Bros before Hos

I hate being alone. It's a fact. I am not one of those people who relishes in the few moments of quiet time during the day. Nope, I am one of those people who needs constant entertainment (I know, I sound totally annoying right now, don't I?) Perhaps I missed the only child lesson on being able to create your own fun, but I would rather spend time with just about anyone than have to spend a whole weekend without any plans. Not having anything to do on a Friday AND Saturday night= My personal nightmare. Okay, maybe it's not that bad, but I will say I get awfully cranky.... Unfortunately for me, this loneliness induced crankiness has been setting in a little more frequently as of late. Sure, I have a new guy in my life who has been taking up some of my time, but I am totally a "bros before hos" kind of girl if you know what I mean. Lately though it seems that my "bros" have been disappearing slowly, one by one. No, I haven't been driving them away. Rather, they have been driving themselves away. Literally. To another state.... or two, or three. Yup, in the past few months four(!) of my closest friends have moved away-- and another one is planning on leaving in the next six months. Now, I know it has nothing to do with me, but man does it suck. In my continued efforts to be positive, I will say that now I have lots of fun places to visit, but that doesn't really take away from the fact that I am running out of people to hang out with here in Boston. Mostly though, everyone moving away has just made me think about whether or not I should do the same thing. Where I would go, I have no idea. New York perhaps? I don't know. I guess I just feel like I've done my time in Boston and maybe I need a change. Anyway, it's just a thought for now....

What a Wild Wonderful Summer It's Been

The majority of last summer was spent eating ice cream and laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. This was randomly interspersed with bouts of the sobbing, heaving, i-can't-breathe kind of crying around Tony and near panic attacks around the fact that I was potentially going to have no place to live come September. Good times....

A year later though, I am happy to say that I am in an infinitely better place. I have wonderful friends who have helped me immensely throughout the year, a pretty decent job that has allowed me to have the best summer ever and a fantastic new apartment in downtown Boston. Even as our wedding date passed me by last Saturday, I managed to remain fairly calm throughout the weekend and kept busy despite my incredibly strong desire to revert back to last summer's go-to method of coping: wallowing.

Laying on the beach all summer certainly didn't hurt my efforts to be in a better place though. In fact, this summer has been unlike any other I can remember. This summer was spent traveling, having amazing adventures, meeting new people and of course pushing my toes through the sand on a regular basis. This summer was indeed the most perfect summer I could imagine for the "Year of Joy." Sure, I didn't complete all of the things on my list of things to before I was 30, but I made a good dent. And believe it or not, I am totally okay with that.

Here is a snapshot of the reasons why I was waaaaay too busy to blog:

July!
Phil's 30th Birthday Booze Cruise


I'm on a Boat aka Cape Weekend!!



Lake Winnipesauke


August!
Good Bye Allston, Hello Bay Village!


Best 30th Birthday Party Ever with Greatest Friends Ever!!


More Booze Cruisin'


Maine with my BFFs





Thanks to everyone who is still checking in! Consistent blogging resumes...now.

Wedded Bliss

I am headed to Seattle! The land of great coffee, the space needle and rainy days is also the place where my friend Scott went to grad school and is subsequently getting married this weekend (let's cross our fingers for good weather!!!)

Scott and I have been friends since seventh grade and somewhere during that time we "dated" as well (and by dated I mean, were boyfriend and girlfriend for about five months-- the extent of which being that we talked on the phone one time.) Regardless, we have somehow managed to stick together through the years. Him watching me go from one boyfriend to the next and me watching him move from one coast to the other while listening to him bitch about wanting a girlfriend and then not wanting a girlfriend and then wanting one, etc., etc. Needless to say, it's been a long and interesting decade or two.

Now that he is getting married, I'm not exactly sure what our friendship is going to look like. I am hoping things don't change that much (well, except for the girlfriend stuff of course :)) but I suppose that may just come with the territory. Either way, I just want to say, Scott, although I know my tolerance of you can sometimes be low, the light in my life would be a little less bright if you weren't in it.

Congratulations Scott and Flora!!! I am so happy for you guys!!

Scott's First Asian Girlfriend (circa 1993):



And more importantly, his last :)

Item #7: Connections

So this topic is one that I haven't really wanted to write about. Believe it or not, it's bordering on a bit too personal for me to share. I know, you're amazed right? After I've been spilling my guts about relationships past, now I put the kibosh on personal information? Well this post is about item #7 on my list of 13. I actually had a post written long ago, but I decided not to post it for fear that it sounded too callous or unintentionally angry. This is attempt at post number two.

If you haven't already taken the time to look back to my original list, item #7 is "Get in Touch with my Half Sisters." This is something I've been wanting to do for a very long time, but haven't for reasons of various nature. I tell myself that the reason why I haven't tried harder to get in touch with them is due to the fact that my father keeps telling me that "now is not a good time." I have been asking him to start the process for me because although I can reach them easily on Facebook, I don't want to totally blindside them if they don't know that I exist. Can you imagine that? "Hey, guess what, I'm your half sister! What up!" Unfortunately, given that he has been telling me that it's "not the right time" for about five years, I'm guessing that it's never going to be the right time.

So in an attempt to limit this post a bit, I am choosing to not share everything I'm feeling about this fairly shitty situation. However, what I will say is this: I have emailed my father one last time, basically giving him the heads up that I am going to contact one of my half sisters. Now to actually email her... let's just hope complete rejection is not in my future right now.

Eeek.

Item #3: The Wedding Dress Blues

The decision to sell my wedding dress was not an easy one. I mean I love it. I really, really love it, but with so much baggage and so many memories attached it, I didn't think it was fair to me (or to the next guy who comes along) to keep it. Plus it was on my list of 13 before 30. Despite the fact that I have been acting like a 22 yr old lately, there are times when I do try to be a grown up. This is one of those times. And so, today, with a very heavy heart, I posted my dress on Preownedweddingdress.com (you can see it there at listing number 19928.) I have to admit the picture I took doesn't do it much justice, but I wonder if a part of me did that in hopes that it wouldn't actually be sold. While I realize the ridiculousness of that, there is still a part of me that is holding on...just a little bit. To what, I'm not quite sure, after all, it couldn't be more over and it's not like I couldn't use the money. Anyway, that's all I have to say about all of this, but if you know of anyone who is in the market for a beautiful wedding dress, go check it out. Thanks.

13 before 30.

The best part of being in Aruba was not the drunk party bus or the incredible fishies I saw during snorkeling. It wasn't even the gorgeous beaches or the amazing sunsets, it was taking a vacation...from my brain. In fact, I don't know that I have ever had a vacation like this before. Sure, hiking and eating lobster in Maine was pretty great, being with my college friends and going just about anywhere is usually pretty awesome too, but none of it compares to just not thinking about anything for a whole week...not work, not boys, not the pups... what I did spend some time thinking about was my list of 13. I got an awful lot of feedback on it and some of the suggestions were pretty interesting: swimming with dolphins, shooting an AK-47, renting a car, but the one I heard the most people say was skydiving. Although I am not completely disinterested in skydiving, it is also not something that I am dying to do either, so I'm not adding it to my official list, which is comprised of the following items:
1. Do a keg stand DONE
2. Play spin the bottle
3. Sell my wedding dress WORK IN PROGRESS
4. Do 10 pushups WORK IN PROGRESS
5. Learn how to salsa
6. Go surfing
7. Get in touch with my half sisters WORK IN PROGRESS
8. Sit at a bar, by myself for at least an hour. Meet some peeps. DONE
9. Learn how to better invest my money
10. Come up with a list of 10 questions to ask someone new that I've met
11. Read the manual for my digital camera and learn to take better pics
12. Walk the Freedom Trail
13. Throw myself an awesome 30th birthday party!
Wish me luck! 52 more days to go!!

Aruba!

Here are some of my favorite pics from my trip:

Time, It is A Tickin'

As of tomorrow, it will be exactly two months until my birthday. The big 3-0. Despite the fact that the thought of "being old" seems to be chilling out in the back of my head, I think I'm doing okay with it so far. Panic has not set in yet. Although to be quite honest, I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be afraid of-- I already can't remember for shit and can't hear half the time, how much worse could it possibly get?!? (Please...don't answer that.)

Anyway, due to this impending age change I've been not only thinking a lot about what I have accomplished over the years, but also what I thought I would have accomplished by now. That was just making me feel sort of bummed out though so I decided that I was going to do some research (no, I didn't look to see what others accomplished by the time they were 30-- what, do you want me to go into a downward spiral of negativity?? We are trying to stay away from that people!) And apparently there are an awful lot of people out there with some strong opinions about what you should do by the time you're thirty. There was even an article about it on bankrate.com. Strange, right? It didn't even have to do with money! Anyway, here is a completely random selection:

Drive a wickedly cool car
Shoot something
Post bail for a friend
Buy a samurai sword
Drive at more than 140mph.
Get drunk on Absinthe
Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Held a tarantula
Hugged a tree
Bungee jumped
Touched an iceberg
Held a lamb
Hit a home run
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in lovee
Performed on stage
Raised children
Lost over 100 pounds
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Helped an animal give birth

With all of my boy craziness as of late, I have decided that I am actually 30 going on 13. So, in the months of June and July I will be comprising a list of 13 things I will accomplish before I turn 30. I haven't actually thought of them yet, but I promise that I will be thinking of these 13 items long and hard as I am lounging on the beaches in...... ARUBA!!!! That's right suckas! I am going to Aruba tomorrow. See ya'll in a week!



One last thing: I like that when I looked up "things to do before you are 30" I also saw an awful lot of "things to do before you die" postings... as in being 30 is synonymous with being dead. Awesome.

A Sign of Things to Come

I've been struggling to think of what to do for the month of June. Since I abandoned my project last month, I've felt like I've needed to come back this month with something particularly challenging/interesting, but I haven't really been able to think of anything. There are only a few short days left before June is upon us so if anyone has any fantastic ideas, I would love to hear them.

In the meantime, I've been pretty busy devoting my time to thinking about the decorating the apartment we still haven't signed a lease for yet (nor have we found someone to take our apartment, mind you.) But despite my excitement being a little bit premature, I thought I would give you a little preview on some ideas for our currently not-so-cute kitchen.

Untitled by joyly80 on Polyvore.com

A Work in Progress.

The interesting thing about blogs is that you never know who is reading them. For me, starting this blog was initially a way of documenting the different challenges I was planning to take on over the course of this year. However as I kept writing, the blog seemed to develop a mind of it's own, weaving itself more into tales of self-discovery than of documentation. I suppose in a way that was what I was hoping to accomplish (you know finding myself and all,) but never once did I think I would ever be so revealing.

It's funny because I think for those who actually know me, they know that I have a really hard time talking about my feelings, so to write about some of the issues that have arisen for me in the last year is in fact quite out of character. Believe it or not, prior to starting this blog, I was not really one to be blabbing to the world about all of my crap. Apparently, this is no longer the case. Regardless, it seems that there was a bit of naivete in play here, because while I know there are people out there reading this, it really doesn't feel like there are. It feels like I am just posting out into nothingness...a nothingness that can be quite easily found with just the click of a few buttons.

Truth be told, I guess I hadn't actually thought too much about who could potentially be looking into my life or how much of it could be accessed on-line for that matter. I mean in many ways my blog is pretty self-indulgent at times...a little heavy on the "Jagged Little Pill" if you will. So although I assumed some of my friends to be reading, I don't know that I expected anyone else to be doing so...

My sudden concern around this issue arises mostly because I don't want to be giving the false impression that the topics (and by topics I mean Tony) I cover in this blog completely encompass who I am. Yes, breaking up with him was a very big deal for me and it shaped my life in many ways (see: baggage,) but this incident has not taken over, it does not define me. It is merely a part of my life that I am choosing to process publicly, in hopes that as the year goes on, I will continue filling my life with things that make up [just] me.

After all, everyone is a work in progress...and I am working on progressing.

I'm In Love!

No it's not what you think... have you guys not been reading all of my lovely posts about how all the good ones move to New Hampshire? No, this is about my love for boxing. Yes, boxing. My friend and I went to a class the other day and the first half totally kicked my ass with a combination of weights, push ups (umm...I couldn't get past five and the dude counted to like 40 or something, I just about died) and some cardio stuff. However, the second half was all about punching. Man, do I love punching stuff. Who knew?? Perhaps it just adds fuel to my angry little fire, but it seems like mostly it's a good way for me to get some aggression out...no, I wasn't picturing anyone in particular, well at least not the whole time. Plus! It is now two days later and I still feel like I can't move. Seriously. I hurt. A lot. So I think I'm going back Saturday! There were these girls in the ring and they were just beating the shit out of each other. It was kind of inspiring and scary at the same time. So we'll see how far I get--maybe it's just the initial novelty of it, but I am pretty sure I sort of love it. Yay!


I tried to superimpose my face on this chick but I couldn't figure out how to do it :(
That would have been funny....are those outfits really what they wear when they box? Those are kind of funny too.

Sometimes You Just Have to Accept the Facts.

This past weekend I realized that I am officially old. For those of you who are thinking, "don't be dramatic, you're not old, 30s are the new 20s!" or something of the sort, trust me, you're wrong. Let me tell you why.

So I am down in Jersey visiting some family and while I am there, we make a trip out to Costco. Being that I don't have a Costco card, I was pretty excited. I mean where else can you buy a pound of goat cheese and a bag of mixed berries larger than my head?! Nowhere, I tell you, nowhere. Anyway, so while we are there, my cousin and I are talking and we come up with the fantastic idea to split a Costco membership (and let me first say we are waaay more excited than is probably necessary.) We go up to membership desk and ask to sign up. The woman at the desk tells me that we need to have the same address to share a card. Well being that my cousin lives in Brooklyn and I live in Boston, clearly that is not going to happen, but I sign up anyway, all the while scheming away with my cousin in Chinese about how we are going to get around this (seriously, it is so convenient to speak a different language sometimes.) First we decided that I could say that I "lost" my card and she could take it and I would get a new one (what? we're both Asian, the picture is fuzzy... we all look the same anyway, right?) Then we thought, well maybe that won't work; Maybe we should white-out my roommates name on the new lease we are signing and tell them that we are domestic partners and moving in together but she hasn't changed her license yet. That way she can get a card with her own name on it. But maybe that's too complicated... maybe we should...well, you get the point. We spent a good hour thinking of ways around this problem before I realized it. That it was official: we are old. I mean come on, we are basically trying to chalk our Costco card. Ten years ago, I was scheming with my friends about how to chalk my license so I could get into bars and now.... Costco?? Seriously?? I mean if that is not a new low, I have no idea what is.

So it's true everyone, 3 months shy of 30 and I am already there. Hell, the next thing you know my metabolism will come to a screeching halt and my eggs will start drying up...oh, wait...I'm kidding, (sort of.)**



**Okay, so that was being a little dramatic...

Letting Go

As of September I will have lived in my apartment for five years. It's the longest I have ever lived anywhere aside from the house I grew up in.

Out of those five years, four of them were spent building a life with Tony. Right now, he and his wife are in the process of having a baby....and I am in the process of letting go.

Kate and I are waiting patiently for my landlord to get back to us. We are hoping that he will let us get out of our lease early so that we can move into an apartment in a sweet location on the South End/Back Bay line. I have said many times that I would give my first born to live in the South End (Tuffy excluded.) And the opportunity is here, presenting itself before us, just waiting for us to take it. A place that is a decent price AND takes dogs?! These things don't happen every day....so why haven't we grabbed it??

Because the truth is we are not waiting for the landlord to get back to us. He has already called. I haven't told Kate, although I suppose I will before she ever reads this. I legitimately didn't hear the phone ring, but when I saw that he did, I didn't call back....not right away, and not later in the evening. Instead I cried. Pathetic, I know. I never used to be a crier, but apparently I am now.

In that moment panic had set in. The reality that I may be leaving this apartment forever-- this place that I had called my home for so long. It was the last little piece of Tony I had left and in a few short weeks it could be gone. Logically I know it's the right thing to do:
-I have always wanted to live in the South End/ Back Bay.
-It's a reasonable price.
-It takes dogs.
-It's on a quiet street.
-We can walk everywhere.
-Parking would be the same, if not better than Allston.
-We would live with people who most likely would not be puking in front of our door or smoking in the hallway or letting their cat run amok or putting up weird signs about vampires on the door... (yes, this is really the building I live in.)
-Most importantly, it's very much needed fresh start.
Have I convinced you (me!) yet??

I am terrified and incredibly sad. Those things are clear. However, the fact is, that to everything there comes an end...and for me, the end to this chapter comes now (yes, again for like the fiftieth time... I realize that.)

I have yet to feel like I have been presented with any of benefits that supposedly come when you make a difficult (but the right) decision, but maybe, just maybe, something good will come of this. Fingers crossed!!

How happy would the pups be here?? Only a 10 minute walk away!!

How Does Your Man Measure Up?

I was digging through some boxes of old stuff the other day when I came across a few journals that documented the traumatic years of my adolescence. As I flipped through page after page reading about whoever I loved or hated at the given time (most of whom ended up being the same few people... I love Aaron, I hate Aaron etc. etc.) I realized that many of the entries sound disturbingly similar to some of the conversations I've been having with my friends as of late. Apparently I have not evolved in the last 15 years and it turns out that I am a little boy crazy. Shocking, I know. Admittedly, it is not one of my best qualities, but i digress....

All this rifling and reminiscing (not even I could stand to read me yammering on about one guy or another) did lead to one glorious little discovery though: an entry that was written with my friend Katie, and dated April 21, 1997 when I was at the ripe old age of 16. No doubt thinking that we were so wise in the ways of boy, we created a list detailing all of the qualities the perfect guy would have. It was 125 items long. Yes, you read that right, one hundred and twenty five...and they say that women don't have high expectations...ha.

I really wanted to write them all but here is a sample of our ridiculousness, as well as some of my favorites which are highlighted:
HOT-- of course this was number one on the list, we were 16 after all...
could get into any school I want to go to or dream of going to
one earring
dimples
tan
ROMANTIC
Understanding (can listen to our obsessing)
sympathetic ("what did you say honey? I understand... you are mad they didn't have a small in black...)
generous (will offer to pay and push you out of the way so he can pay)
has never failed a grade
has a personality (hopefully good)
BODY...BODY...BODY
poetic (likes the late night love nest)
Hates sluts --we inserted a name here
owns at least one hat--what?! so weird...
Wegmans geeks need not apply --this was for Katie's benefit only
knows what you are thinking without saying anything--I think this may have been the most unrealistic thing on this list
ghetto car (sweet ride)
not a drug dealer-- we had very high priorities
at least one year older
has good hands--huh?? I don't even know why that would matter...
IS A WOMAN BECAUSE THEY ARE PERFECT (and can carry this mentality at all times)
is not psycho
tall
likes gum (and will buy it for you)
not hairy
can grow facial hair-- I love the fact that we wanted someone who isn't hairy and can grow facial hair. ha.
has a job
not fat

And my favoritest of them all:
can drive (after nine)

I'm not quite sure what I would have said to the 16 year old version of me had I known how my life was going to turn out--maybe just not to expect that much because you'll only be disappointed? That's awfully cynical I know, but I'm still waiting for someone to change my mind.

My list of "must haves" is currently at two:
1. will be nice to me.
2. won't move away.

Trust Me, I'm a Therapist

Contrary to what this blog may suggest, I am not bipolar. I realize that sometimes I seem up and sometimes I seem down, but I am usually just trying to write about how I feel at any given moment, and trying to be honest. I recognize that I may seem a little crazy on occasion and that I most often write when I am feeling down, however, this is probably because I find writing to be somewhat cathartic. I promise you all that I am not about to jump off a bridge or anything, just in case you were wondering. I have too many friends out there who are mandated reporters anyway and would probably send me off somewhere before I could even blink.

Just wanted to put that out there.

The Month of May

When I started this project I had the intention of trying something new every month in order to figure out who I was without Tony. But I think my hidden intention was not that at all, it was more about figuring out how to be happy.

It's not working.

In fact I think that with all of my failed challenges I am setting my own trap for myself. I walked into this thinking, if I come up with a year of different challenges and blog about completing them, then I will enter 2011 feeling happy and accomplished, like I took control of my 2009 shitty life and tried to make it better. But in fact the exact opposite has happened. Aside from January, I have not completed any challenges. I have not lived intentionally or meditated or started eating better. My running has not been consistent and neither has my dog walking or flossing or even blogging. All of my behavior charts go unchecked acting as a reminder of how I have wasted my time doing what? I don't even know...facebook? tv? I mean we don't even have cable any more! What could I possibly be watching?! Where is my time going??? I honestly have no idea. Not only that, but I'm pretty sure I write about the same stuff every day: my weight, how I'm not happy or not completing anything or boys or Tony.... This stuff does not make up a whole year of blogging, or at least it shouldn't.

So for the month of May I don't know what I am doing. I have no official challenges... I am just here, trying not bore everyone by yammering on about random crap, trying to keep my head above water.

#5: What Does it Take to Live Intentionally?

I have been thinking an awful lot about turning 30 recently. It is only three months away and I'm not exactly how it came up so quickly. As a result, I think I have been regressing slowly into the 22 year old version of myself. What this means is that I have been going out multiple nights a week and living the basic reckless lifestyle of, well, me, eight years ago...only with worse hangovers, more responsibilities, and consequently, more guilt. Fun. I'm guessing that part of this is about self-medicating and the other part feels like this is my last chance to get drunk and act like an idiot on a regular basis. Why that is, I don't know. I know plenty of people out there who are over 30 and act like total idiots.

I suppose I am still struggling to deal with where I once imagined my life would be at 30. I don't know that I ever had a very clear picture, but I can say with confidence that my life didn't include having a roommate, being a single mom to two dogs, and working at a mediocre job that pays next to nothing. Sure, we've established that it's not all bad; I'm just saying that it's not what I expected. This leads me to Law #5: The Law of Intention and Desire.

According to Law #5, I am supposed to write down a list of my desires and let the universe handle the details for me. Maybe this is where the problem lies, that I have never written down any desires for myself and kept them in the forefront of my brain. I'll be honest though, despite the fact that I haven't written down any desires, I don't know that the universe is handling things so well. In many ways it seems like my life this past year has been a test--let's see just how far we can push Joy until she totally loses it. Don't get me wrong, I think I have learned a lot from it. I know that I am a lot stronger than I realized and certainly more resilient, but I have also been wondering when is this test going to be over?! When are things just going to work out in my favor? Because Universe, my patience is waning and has been for quite a while. Maybe I am missing the entire point. I should just learn from this experience and let it be. Maybe it is going to help me to be more grateful for things once they do come my way. I haven't quite figured out what the message is supposed to be.

Anyway, I will put the Law of Intention and Desire into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:
1. I will make a list of all of my desires. I will carry this list with me wherever I go. I will look at this list before I go into my silence and meditation (providing I do it that day.) I will look at before I go to sleep at night. I will look at it when I wake up in the morning.

2. I will release this list of desires and surrender it to the womb of creation (huh??) trusting that when things don't go my way, there is a reason (there better be a pretty freaking good reason for the last year, Universe!) and that the cosmic plan has designs for me much grander than those I have conceived.... Okay, so maybe the reason why none of this stuff is working is because I don't know that I believe it. I know that I have alluded to that before, but the cosmic plan...really?

3. I will remind myself to practice present moment awareness in all my actions. I will refuse to allow obstacles to consume and dissipate the quality of my attention in the present moment. i will accept the present as it is and manifest the future through my deepest, most cherished intentions and desires.

Okay, I'm off to make my list. Hope this works! Should probably get started on meditating again. I've been slacking big time people.

Time Heals All Wounds?

You know I do a lot of griping about how I feel like things haven't gotten better in the last year. This happens out of my inherent negativity, but in fact it is not entirely true. Now hold up, it's not like I have been lying all this time. I have been feeling less fun and more funky lately. However, with that being said, in an effort to be positive, there have been some improvements:
-I'm not running out of the room every time I hear a little "Don't Stop Believin'" (this statement does not apply when I am drunk, then all bets are off, although I usually end up more belligerent, less sad.)
-I don't tear up every time I have moment to myself (in the car, at home, walking down the street...)
-Aside from the occasional bitter comment, I don't talk about Tony that much (okay, this is in comparison people...)
-I don't cry every time I talk to Tony (although I don't talk to him that much anymore, so that could be why. Ha)
-Oh! I don't get all upset every time anyone talks about getting married/engaged....See, lots of improvements!!
-Most of all, even though things didn't work out with NH#2, I've realized that I am ready to be in another relationship, like for realz, which seriously feels so huge to me. Sure, I'm still pretty skittish and there are definitely times that I feel like shutting down and never dealing with guys again, but for the most part, I'm willing to give it a shot....

Don't you boys all come banging down my door all at once...

#4: The Law of Least Effort

This fourth law comes at a good time. So you know by now that things ended with NH #2 because we decided...well, he decided that would not be able to handle residency and a relationship at the same time. I decided that it wasn't worth it to get more invested in something that was not going to go anywhere anyway. Whether or not that was a good decision is still up for debate, but at this point, I'm leaning towards no. Why would I not just make the most of the time we have left? I don't know, but now I'm feeling like maybe it's too late to change my mind.... Anyway, I promise this is relevant.

"The Law of Least Effort" is based on the fact that nature's intelligence functions with effortless ease and abandoned carefreeness. This is the principle of least action, of no resistance...Least effort is expended when your actions are motivated by love...When you seek power and control over others you waste energy.

According to Chopra, there are three components to "The Law of Least Effort." The first component is acceptance. Acceptance means that you make a commitment: "Today I will accept people, situations, circumstance and events as they occur." This means I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. When you struggle against this moment, you're actually struggling against the whole universe. When you choose not to struggle, this means that your acceptance of this moment is total and complete.

Okay, so here's where my initial blurb is relevant, and also where I am a bit confused. According to Chopra, if I had accepted the situation as it was-- the fact that NH#2 was going to New Hampshire and just kept going with it, then would things be better right now? By ending things was I struggling against the whole universe, in an effort to protect myself? And now, if I go back and attempt to fix things... well is that struggling against how things are now? Chopra goes on to say, "You accept things as they are, not as you wish they were in this moment...you can wish for things to be different in the future but in this moment you have to accept things as they are." So does that mean I just have to accept that I made this choice? What if I had never made the choice in the first place...so if everyone just accepts things as they are in the moment, then does anything change? Should everyone just wait for other people to do things then?

Chopra also says that when you feel frustrated or upset by a person, remember you are not reacting to that person or situation, but to your feelings about that person or situation. When you recognize and understand this completely, you are ready to take responsibility for how you feel and to change it. Responsibility is also the second component of "The Law of Least Effort." Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself. Having accepted this circumstance, responsibility means the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now. All problems have seeds of opportunity and this awareness allows you to take this moment and transform it into a better situation or thing.

Okay I understand this second concept, learn and create opportunities from every situation, but I have to say, I think it will be very difficult not to blame myself for stuff, since, well, that's sort of my M.O. It does feel like it could be helpful to separate myself from my feelings though, and not be one in the same. I do have sort of a hard time buying into the idea that "this moment is as it should be" and whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones that you need in your life at this moment. I mean what about people who are in really negative or abusive relationships? I understand that maybe they could learn from these relationships, just as any other relationship, but who needs an a person in their lives who makes them miserable? Is Chopra saying that you are choosing to react to someone beating the crap out of you in a negative way? Is there a positive way to look at something like that? Maybe I am missing the point, I do know that I am going on a bit of a tangent that is somewhat irrelevant to the rest of the post, but I guess I just feel like there may be certain situations where this doesn't apply???

The third component of the Law of Least Effort is the defenselessness, which means that your awareness is established in defenselessness and you have relinquished the need to convince or persuade others of your point of view. When you become defensive, blame others and do not accept and surrender to the moment you life meets resistance.

I've got nothing to say to this, as I feel like this is not a problem for me. In fact I feel like I need to be doing a better job of convincing others of my points of view...

And so it comes to this: I will put the "Law of Least Effort into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:

1. I will practice acceptance. Today I will accept people, situations, circumstance, and events as they occur. I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. i will not struggle against the whole universe by struggling against this moment. my acceptance is total and complete. I accept things as they are this moment, not as I wish they were.

2. Having accepted things as they are, I will take responsibility for my situation and for all those events i see as problems. I know that taking responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for my situation (and this includes myself!) I also know that every problem is an opportunity in disguise, and this alertness to opportunities allows me to take this moment and transform it into a greater benefit.

3. Today my awareness will remain established in defensivelessness. I will relinquish the need to defend my point of view. i will feel no need to convince or persuade others to accept my point of view. I will remain open to all points of view and not be rigidly attached to any one of them.

Marathon Monday!!

With all of the craziness of the Boston Marathon swirling around the city this weekend, I thought this would be a good time to discuss my attempt to start running again. I started a few weeks ago. I hadn't really wanted to tell anyone for fear that I could fail in some way (although I don't even really know what that would look like...getting hurt again I guess) But it's true. I'm getting back out there, pounding the pavement if you will, and trying not to injure myself in the process. It sounds sort of silly but I think a lot of my anxiety around running was totally mental (KNOCK ON WOOD!!) Every time I would even think about running my physical therapist's face would pop into my head and my knee would start hurting. Completely psychosomatic. But the look he had when he pushed down on my quad and my knee popped right out with virtually no effort at all, well that was enough to keep me away from running forever.

It wasn't enough to keep me from thinking about running though. 2007 was probably one of the best years I've ever had: I completed my Masters in Social Work, I got my first job out of school that I loved, I got my LCSW, things were going well with Tony, and I had trained and completed a half marathon while raising over $2100 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I felt accomplished and I was happy. Sure, the half marathon was only part of it, but getting up at 5:45 almost every morning to train with my friend Leslie for four months, well that was a pretty large chunk of my year. I felt like one of those "good" people. You know, those people who remember to bring their reusable bags to the grocery store, and raise money for charities and run with their dogs...okay, well I don't know that I will ever consistently remember to bring my reusable bags, but the point is, I felt like I was becoming the person I wanted to be.

I am so far from that now, and I'm not really sure how I lost my way.

So maybe running through the pain and anxiety of getting hurt will get me back to where I want to be (hmmm... this seems to be sounding like a metaphor for relationships somehow...) Yes, sometimes my knee feels like it's just floating around in my leg, as though it is not attached to anything at all. And yes, sometimes it hurts, a lot. And yes, a lot of the time, I think to myself, "I hate running, why am I doing this??" But the truth is, I don't hate running, I actually sort of like it when the music is so loud that it drowns out everything else in my head and I'm moving forward at a snails pace (I am painfully slow. No, seriously.) When I run a race, even though I am often one of the very last people on the course, I feel accomplished, like I am doing something worthwhile with my time, with my life. I once had someone tell me that "pain is not an indication that something is wrong." I thought he was crazy at the time, but maybe it's true, maybe it's just another thing to run through.

Funky Town

Well it's been a long couple of weeks friends.... what I have been doing, well I'm not exactly sure. Most likely a combination of wallowing and working and wasting time on Facebook and Tastespotting (the best website ever!!) and the like. I wish I could say that I was doing something more useful, but researching random events around Boston (that my friends will actually join me on) takes up an awful lot of time...and going to them, well I'm not complaining about that. This weekend I went to the Wine Riot, a wine tasting event which basically guarantees you will be drunk within the first hour of attendance. Pretty awesome.

Anyway, I have to say that I have been in a bit of a funk lately, which has probably contributed to the lack of blog posts as of late. I guess it just feels like no matter what I try, things have not turned around for me. No amount of blogging or yoga-ing or meditating or jewelry-making has made things feel like they are getting better. If anything, I feel like Angry Joy is coming out more often (I would just like to take this time to apologize to the dishwasher, the garbage can, and any other inanimate objects that have been hurt in this process...) As you may have guessed, things with the boy didn't exactly pan out in the way I would have liked, and work...well, lets just say that things could be better in that realm of things too. The worst part is, on top of it all, I feel guilty for bitching about it. I don't want to subject the [two of you] who read this to my idiocy especially when I know that I have friends out there who are going through much worse and seem to be staying on the bright side of things. However, for someone who often falls victim to the vicious downward spiraling of thoughts though, it feels very easy to go from feeling pretty good to feeling like complete shit in a matter of minutes...and always at the strangest times. For instance, today would have been mine and Tony's seven year anniversary, and I am actually feeling okay about it, but I drop my freshly baked broccoli and cheese calzone on the floor and I am freaking irate. It's totally insane, really.

So, I guess analyzing the crap out of my funk has been taking up some time as well. That, and attempting a little Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on myself. Well, I wish I could say it was enough to catapult me out of this deep, dark hole that I have found myself in. Unfortunately, it's not so I'll continue plugging away, wishing for summer to come a little faster, trying to find more random things to do around the city (boxing anyone??? yoga is NOT working. Maybe beating the crap out of something will help me to feel better.) And somewhere in there, I'll start to stop hoping that New Hampshire #2 will change his mind...

Happy Easter!

I never celebrated Easter growing up. To me, Easter was always about going over to my friend Lianne's and raiding her

dining room table which was usually piled full of peanut butter eggs and chocolate bunnies and jelly beans, none of which was ever seen in my house. This year though I am having dinner with my friend Leslie and her husband Chuck. They are contributing ham. I am contributing leeks.

A few weeks ago I went to Haymarket here in Boston. It was an interesting experience that I had never been subject to before. People yelling, pushing and bargaining, the air somehow managing to smell both fishy and fresh at the same time. Between that and the fact that everything was dirt cheap...well it was all a little overwhelming. However, in my excitement at the fact that a carton of blackberries was only a dollar (I basically live off of yogurt, berries and granola) I managed to buy an extravagant amount of fruits and vegetables. How do you turn down a bunch of asparagus for a buck?!? Well, I can tell you right now, you don't. So there I was unloading three plastic bags and a backpack full of stuff I didn't even know I bought and I came across two bunches of leeks, my all time favorite aromatic (I would say vegetable, but then I wouldn't be able to include all the other stuff I love...and also found upon coming home.) I looooooooooove leeks. They are so very delicious and sweet and oniony--especially when you put them in a bread pudding. Did I mention, I also love bread pudding? So the combination, well I can't really think of anything better right now...

I have to admit, I have never made this recipe before, but I found it on Epicurious and it was originally from Ad Hoc at Home by Thomas Keller, a fantastic book, so I figured I couldn't go wrong. Anyway, here it is:

Leek Bread Pudding

Ingredients:

2 cups 1/2 inch thick slices leeks (white and light green parts only)

Kosher Salt

4 tablespoons unsalted butter

Freshly ground pepper

12 cups 1-inch cubed crustless Brioche

1 tablespoon finely chopped chives

1 teaspoon thyme leaves

3 large eggs

3 cups whole milk

3 cups heavy cream

Freshly grated nutmeg

1 cup shredded Comte or Emmentaler

Preparation:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F

Put the leek rounds in a large bowl of tepid water and swish around, let the dirt fall to the bottom of the bowl.

Set a medium saute pan over medium high heat, lift the leeks from the water, drain and add them to the pan. Season with salt and cook, stirring often for about 5 minutes. As the leeks begin to soften, lower the heat to medium-low. The leeks will release liquid. Stir in the butter to emulsify, and season with pepper and taste. Cover the pan with a parchment lid and cook stirring every 10 minutes, until the leeks are very soft 30 to 35 minutes. If at any point the butter breaks or looks oily, stir in about a tablespoon of water to re-emulsify the sauce. Remove and discard parchment lid.

Meanwhile, spread the bread cubes on a baking sheet and toast in the over for about 20 mins, rotating the pan about halfway through until dry and pale gold. Transfer to a large bowl. Leave the oven on.

Add the leeks to the bread and toss well, then add the chives and the thyme. Lightly whisk the eggs in another large bowl. Whisk the milk, cream, a generous pinch of salt, pepper to taste and a pinch of nutmeg.

Sprinkle 1/4 cup of cheese in the bottom of a 9x13 inch baking pan. Spread half the leeks and the croutons in the pan and sprinkle with another 1/4 cup of cheese. Scatter the remaining leeks and croutons over and top with another 1/4 cup of cheese. Pour in enough of the custard mixture to cover the bread and press gently on the bread so that it soaks in the milk. Let soak for about 15 minutes. Add the remaining custard, allowing some of the soaked cubes of bread to protrude. Sprinkle the remaining 1/4 cup cheese on top and sprinkle with salt.

Bake for 1 1/2 hours or until the pudding feels set and the top is brown and bubbling. Yum!

Dangerous Territory

"You're walking through a landmine and you're about to have your leg blown off."

This what Kate said to me the other day.

It was a valiant attempt to steer me away from making the not so healthy decision to go away Friday night (to New Hampshire, where else?!) with the NH#2 who has been around for the last couple of months and is most likely going to being a whole lotta nothing (and inevitably put me in a pretty sucky place in a few months when I already have some sucky things to look forward to i.e Tony's love child...oh wait, it's not a love child if you decide to have a quickie wedding in a matter of three weeks, right?) I have no doubt that she is frustrated with me and my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad (and somewhat irresponsible) decision making as of late (this is most likely due to the fact that I have not taken an ounce of her advice along the way, despite the fact that she is going to end up being the one who listens to me whine and cry when it's over.) However, in my stupid desire to make something into more than what it is, I decided to go.

Now I realize this is a very bad path to be tumbling down, mostly because he has already seemed to make it pretty clear that it's going to be over at some point prior to him leaving for residency (when, I don't know, so don't ask!) Unfortunately, it is also a very difficult path to crawl back up, especially when you don't want to. To make matters worse, it was a fantastic 28 hrs--relaxing and fun and pretty much just all around great. Crap. Trust me, I wish it was disasterous. It would make life so much easier, especially since I know I should really end things (I can't even say break up cause I'm pretty sure we're not really together) now in an effort to protect myself.

Anyway, so here I am, (completely toppled over by the feeling of deja vu--only with the shoe on the other foot--and convinced that it's karma) just trying my best not to get my leg blown off.

Undoing

As I continue to try to keep all of these laws in the forefront of my brain, I can't help but think about all the things I have done in the past. I have not always been known for making good decisions, especially when it comes to relationships. I over think things, analyze stuff to death and then somehow end up in the same place I started. Stuck (or drunk and ridiculous, whichever comes first.) I end up hurting myself, hurting others and just feeling generally shitty about things all around. So I guess as I go through one failed "relationship" after another post Tony I can't help but wonder if it is karma coming back to bite me in the ass.

I have been thinking about this ever since I went to a Shaman last year who said something about my karma--- he didn't say it was bad, but I think he definitely implied that I needed to fix it up a bit (although this is also the guy who brought up Dave the Lawyer about 50 times and said that could work out... um... wrong on that one Shaman Lloyd!!) Anyway, so how do you undo what you've done in the past? Don't get me wrong, it's not like I've killed anyone or anything, but I definitely don't think that I've always been honest or always thought about the other person first. In fact, if I'm really being truthful, I think I am somewhat of an emotion based person, so that I don't always think about my actions or the consequences that may arise from these decisions beforehand... call me a girl, but that's just what I do. I guess the point is though, that that's not exactly how I would like to be going forward. So, the question remains, how do I get back to having a clean slate?

Maybe it's not possible, maybe I just have to try to make good choices from now on. I would like to think I try to be a nice person. Sure, when I am in a good mood, I tend to be a little more altruistic, but I mean in general as well. I mean I am a social worker for God's sake. It is my job to help people! Shouldn't that give me fantastic karma in itself? Apparently not. Or maybe the relationship karma is different from life karma. Who knows... All I know is that it's either me or karma that's screwing up my love life (or lack thereof.) I should do something about that.

**Now all of that being said, it's not like I am out hunting for a husband or anything....that would just be pathetic (not judging those of you who are...well, maybe a little...) But despite all of my feelings around Tony, what I have realized from what has been going on with New Hampshire Guy #2 is that I am finally ready to be in another relationship. Sure, it's super scary and I have definitely been seriously scarred by Tony, but I guess if you find someone you like enough then it's worth it right? (unless of course he doesn't feel like it's worth it, which seems to be in the process of happening with NH#2, and then it sucks and you are me. ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH) Grrr, Karma....**

The Third Law

The Third Law of Success is "The Law of Karma." Most of us know what Karma means... I think about a lot as I am driving actually-- sometimes when I am raging about idiots on the road and the fact that someone won't let me in, even though I just let someone into my lane a few minutes ago. WTF? (Although I am guilty of it myself from time to time...ah, Karma...) I also think about relationship Karma...like what did I do to deserve the fact that everyone I like moves to New Hampshire??? But I digress....

"The Law of Karma" as Chopra sees it is in the action of conscious choice making. “The best way to understand and maximize the use of karmic law is to become consciously aware of the choices we are making in every moment.” In my opinion, this is more easily said than done. Coming from someone who barely tastes the second bowl of cereal being shoved in my mouth... well, lets just say mindfulness is obviously not my forte. This is not about food though, this is about everything. Literally. Chopra makes a good point; Think about this: “If I were to insult you, you would most likely make the choice of being offended. If I were to pay you a compliment, you would most likely make the choice of being pleased or flattered. But it’s still a choice.” It’s an interesting way to look at it, because in reality he’s right. We don’t have to get mad about an insult, it’s our choice to let it affect us.

It feels like an extremely blurry line to me though. I am a person who has a lot of difficulty identifying my emotions/shift in mood and attributing it to a trigger. I have gotten better about it (who knew that seeing a frozen waffle could make me think of Tony and get depressed?! Ridiculous.) Sure, it’s a choice I am making to be upset by the Costco size bag of Kashi cardboard-like waffles that have been sitting in my freezer for a year and a half, but it’s not like I want to be sad about it. So I guess that is my question. Can you make a choice to not experience a feeling anymore, and is that what Chopra is saying? I mean I can tell myself to snap out of it and go do something to distract me, but it’s not like I can just stop myself from feeling that way... right?

Anyway, I will attempt to put "The Law of Karma" into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:

1. Today I will witness the choices I make in each moment. And in the mere witnessing of these choices I will bring them to my conscious awareness. I will know the best way to prepare for any moment is to be fully conscious in the present. (This will be hard for me since I think I deal with things by not thinking about them...NOT effective BTW)

2. Whenever I make a choice I will ask myself two questions: "What are the consequences of this choice that I am making?" and "Will it bring fulfillment and happiness to me and also to those who are affected by this choice?"

3. I will ask my heart for guidance and be guided by it's message of comfort or discomfort. If the choice feels comfortable, then I will plunge ahead with abandon. If the choice feels uncomfortable, I will pause and see the consequences of my action with my inner vision. This guidance will enable me to make spontaneously correct choices for myself and all those around me.

Random Thought

It's interesting, I go through my days focusing on the bad stuff that happens, but when I actually take the time to think about the happiest parts of my day, well they are there, so why don't I ascribe more worth to them? In many ways they balance out the parts of my day that suck. Hmmm... something to think about.

Happiest part of my day: knowing that I have friends who think about me and care about me despite all of my insanities. That and getting a pedicure!

Mantras

I have been continuing to struggle through the meditation. I don't know that it is doing much for me yet, but it's hard to stay consistent with it, which I am sure is contributing to the lack of effect. My friend Leslie gave me some advice though and said that I should come up with a mantra by taking something I don't believe about myself, making it positive, and saying it while I meditate. She suggested that I start with the basic mantra, "I love and approve of myself" and adding on to it. So my mantra is "I love and approve of myself, I am smart and I am confident." It feels silly saying it to yourself, and to be honest, kind of lame. But I am doing it in hopes that the more I say it the more I will believe it. What is your mantra?

Did You Know...

That there are multiple months known as Friendship Month? Apparently International Friendship Month is in February. But if you are not in the business of being worldly, then you can wait until November and celebrate National Friendship Month instead. If you choose to be strictly ethnocentric and you are German American, you could even celebrate German American Friendship Month in October...but you also have to be from Michigan. Wow, that is very specific. National Women's Friendship Month is in September. If you don't have enough time to devote an entire month to celebrating your friends, then you could just say "you're awesome!" on August 1st (3 days before my birthday and just a fabulous month in general) which is National Friendship Day.

Unfortunately for me, It is not February (guess I missed the boat on that one...) Clearly it is not November or September (Yay Spring!!!!!!!!) And happily, I don't live in Michigan so that's out too. So today I have decided is "Joy's Friendship Day." With all of these 'official this' and 'national thats,' it doesn't seem hard to make a day into a special one, so "Joy's Friendship Day" it is! (Side Note: Can you tell I have no idea what the difference is between " and this ' is yet? If anyone would like to enlighten me, please do so. Oh super-smart-English-person-extraordinaire Kendra, I know you're reading this!)

Inspired by my continuous reading of the Seven Spiritual Laws of Success (you totally thought I had abandoned this month and forgotten about that book didn't you??) I realized that I am not nearly as grateful for the things in my life as I should be. However, there is one thing that I am always eternally grateful for and those are my friends. Many of them (especially my college friends :( ) I don't talk to nearly enough as I should but I always know there are there and I can just pick up where we left off at any given moment. Some, who live close by, I don't see nearly enough. And as for everyone else...well, I apologize for my incessant over-analyzation and paranoia of everything relationships and boy(s). Seriously, I am like a 15 year old girl. It's pathetic. Anyway, each of you have your own wonderful qualities and I am sure I don't tell you all enough how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate all of your support--especially throughout this last year. So here it is: Thank you. I am so very grateful for all of your late-night talks, impromptu drinks, reassuring words, much needed distractions, general hilarities and of course, all attempts to keep me from having a meltdown at any given moment. I do hope that I am able to show you how much you all mean to me from time to time (you know, by baking a pie or forcing you to come over for brunch or something,) but if not, thanks again, I love you all!

New Hampshire and I are NOT Friends...and Other Stuff.

I haven't written all week. I am aware of this and I apologize. It has not been a good one....my week that is. I am trying very hard to look at the positive and there do seem to be a few bright spots which I will start with before I go into my diatribe about New Hampshire.

--This past weekend my mom came to visit. My mom visiting was not so much the bright spot. The sushi we ate was. Yum.

--Monday: I completed a pair of earrings in my jewelry making class that I actually really like and think I will wear.

--Tuesday: The sun made me happy even though I didn't get to enjoy it. Leslie came over to drink some much needed wine, that was a good way to end my otherwise crappy day.

--Wednesday: I had a great date/dinner (lobster mac & cheese!!) and lots of (even more needed) drinks.

--Thursday: bbbbbbbblllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. New Hampshire sucks. Running/ walking with Kate and Biggie, getting my first blackberry, sugar/carbo-loading (see: emotional eating,) and bookclub made my otherwise grey day slightly better.

See, I can be positive. And I'll try to keep the negativity to a minimum. The short version is that basically all the boys in my life eventually get sucked into the black hole known as New Hampshire and never come back, (well, at least not for three to five years.) And it's not, oh, 45 mins away Nashua or something, no, it's like 2 hours, 3 hours away New Hampshire. I mean what did I do to New Hampshire? Is there some sort of karmic something or other at work here? WTF. I just don't get it. This BLOWS. A lot.

Work has also been hard and is sucking the life out of me this week. I don't want to talk about it. It has sucked almost as much as the New Hampshire thing and that was terrible news. Plus I have fallen off the meditation wagon, although I am working (not that hard) to get back on it. Maybe this weekend.... okay I'm off to try to get myself out of this funk I'm in.

Hahaha can you believe there is actually a mousepad out there like this?!?! Awesome.

We Are All Getting Old

It's my friend Lauren's 30th birthday today. Lauren is my most favorite friend. She is super thoughtful, fun, loyal and throws the best parties ever! I was supposed to go to Vegas to celebrate with her but I didn't end up making it :( I'm guessing it would have been a far superior time to avoiding the rain all weekend. Love you Galletta!!!

Food Glorious Food!

My short ribs turned out to be quite yummy and I think the new (unofficial) boy enjoyed them as well :) I wish I had been organized enough to take pics and show the progression of creating delicious-ness, but unfortunately I was not. If you are interested in creating your own short ribs (for a boy, a girl, or just for yourself) here is the recipe I used.

Also, I really want to make this, anyone want to come over for brunch this weekend????

Totally stole this pic from Smitten Kitchen. Doesn't it look delicious? I promise I'll post my own pics if I find any takers this weekend!

The happiest part of my day remains to be seen, although chatting with my friend Sara at work today was pretty great so that may count (it's only 4pm.) It is nice to know that there are other people out there who are as neurotic and crazy as me. Thanks Sara!!

Realizations

So this morning I was at Whole Foods buying short ribs for the dinner I am super excited about making tonight and all of a sudden I felt strange... this unfamiliar feeling of... happiness. Weird, right? I mean especially with yesterday's feelings o' crap. But it just sort of hit me. For a second I thought to myself 'well this is bizarre, I guess I should take advantage of it while it lasts.' But then I thought, wait, that's an awfully negative way of thinking about it. I can just be happy. Maybe it's the potential new boy, or the meditation, or the weather... who knows but for today that's what happening. Yay!

The happiest part of my day: realizing that today was the first day I've felt genuinely happy in about...well, I have no idea... it's been a looooooooong time.

...

Today is Tony's 30th birthday. I have tried very hard to distract myself. Working for 12 hours helped, but I'll be honest, the driving in between was not fun. Too many hours of ignoring the radio and getting stuck in my own thoughts. Sucked. That's all I've got.

No happy parts to my day today :(

Life Throbbing

I enjoyed the life throb today. Hahahaha. Oh man, I crack myself up. Okay, maybe I should take this a little more seriously... For real now: Today was another beautiful day and I took advantage of it by walking throughout the entirety of Boston. In these shoes:

Believe it or not, I did not want to die. Well, at least not in the first 2 hours... What?! I was on a date and wanted to look cute! I had no idea we were going to walk all over Hell and creation. I am not complaining though. It was amazing out and I love walking, in these shoes or not.

Anyway, happiest part of my day: The weather. I don't think that the winter brings me down, but warm(er) weather surely brings me up!

Tomorrow I am going to an all day training at a super scary hospital. It is so creepy and totally looks like a real old school psych hospital. Eek!

A Very Good Day(s)

The happiest part of my (Fri)day: There were lots of excellent parts to this day-- I went to yoga, I cleaned the apartment, I met up with friends at Peet's(whose coffee far surpasses Starbucks,) got a little bit of paperwork done, My roommate drove me downtown for my date (so I wouldn't have to take the T,) for which the company, not to mention dinner, drinks and the Improv were fantastic. Yay for good days (and dates!)

Saturday is shaping up to look pretty good as well... SO happy it's sunny and wonderful out!!

P.S Happy Birthday Jaclyn! See you tonight!

Law Numero Dos

The second law is the "Law of Giving." This law discusses the importance of giving and receiving and why it is necessary to keep wellness and affluence circulating in life. According to Chopra, it is the intention behind the giving and receiving that is the most important thing.

"The intention should always be to create happiness for the giver and receiver, because happiness is life supporting and life sustaining and generates increase. The return is directly proportional when it is given from the heart...Practicing the Law of Giving is actually very simple: if you want joy, give joy to others; if you want love, learn to give love; if you want attention and appreciation, learn to give attention and appreciation; if you want material affluence, help others to become materially affluent."

So in following the Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, I will put the "Law of Giving" into effect by making the following commitment to take the following steps:

1. Wherever I go, and whoever I encounter I will bring them a gift. This gift may be a compliment, a flower or a prayer. Today I will give something to everyone I come into contact with and so I will begin the process of circulating joy, wealth and affluence in my life and the life of others.

2. Today I will gratefully receive all the gifts that life has to offer me. I will receive the gifts of nature: sunlight and the sound of birds singing (good thing Spring is almost here!) or the Spring showers or the first snow of Winter. I will also be open to receiving from others, whether that be in the form of a material gift, money, a compliment or a prayer.

3. I will make a commitment to keep wealth circulating in my life bye giving a receiving life's most precious gifts: the gifts of caring, affection appreciation and love. Each time I meet someone, I will silently wish them happiness, joy & laughter.