#5: What Does it Take to Live Intentionally?

I have been thinking an awful lot about turning 30 recently. It is only three months away and I'm not exactly how it came up so quickly. As a result, I think I have been regressing slowly into the 22 year old version of myself. What this means is that I have been going out multiple nights a week and living the basic reckless lifestyle of, well, me, eight years ago...only with worse hangovers, more responsibilities, and consequently, more guilt. Fun. I'm guessing that part of this is about self-medicating and the other part feels like this is my last chance to get drunk and act like an idiot on a regular basis. Why that is, I don't know. I know plenty of people out there who are over 30 and act like total idiots.

I suppose I am still struggling to deal with where I once imagined my life would be at 30. I don't know that I ever had a very clear picture, but I can say with confidence that my life didn't include having a roommate, being a single mom to two dogs, and working at a mediocre job that pays next to nothing. Sure, we've established that it's not all bad; I'm just saying that it's not what I expected. This leads me to Law #5: The Law of Intention and Desire.

According to Law #5, I am supposed to write down a list of my desires and let the universe handle the details for me. Maybe this is where the problem lies, that I have never written down any desires for myself and kept them in the forefront of my brain. I'll be honest though, despite the fact that I haven't written down any desires, I don't know that the universe is handling things so well. In many ways it seems like my life this past year has been a test--let's see just how far we can push Joy until she totally loses it. Don't get me wrong, I think I have learned a lot from it. I know that I am a lot stronger than I realized and certainly more resilient, but I have also been wondering when is this test going to be over?! When are things just going to work out in my favor? Because Universe, my patience is waning and has been for quite a while. Maybe I am missing the entire point. I should just learn from this experience and let it be. Maybe it is going to help me to be more grateful for things once they do come my way. I haven't quite figured out what the message is supposed to be.

Anyway, I will put the Law of Intention and Desire into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:
1. I will make a list of all of my desires. I will carry this list with me wherever I go. I will look at this list before I go into my silence and meditation (providing I do it that day.) I will look at before I go to sleep at night. I will look at it when I wake up in the morning.

2. I will release this list of desires and surrender it to the womb of creation (huh??) trusting that when things don't go my way, there is a reason (there better be a pretty freaking good reason for the last year, Universe!) and that the cosmic plan has designs for me much grander than those I have conceived.... Okay, so maybe the reason why none of this stuff is working is because I don't know that I believe it. I know that I have alluded to that before, but the cosmic plan...really?

3. I will remind myself to practice present moment awareness in all my actions. I will refuse to allow obstacles to consume and dissipate the quality of my attention in the present moment. i will accept the present as it is and manifest the future through my deepest, most cherished intentions and desires.

Okay, I'm off to make my list. Hope this works! Should probably get started on meditating again. I've been slacking big time people.

Time Heals All Wounds?

You know I do a lot of griping about how I feel like things haven't gotten better in the last year. This happens out of my inherent negativity, but in fact it is not entirely true. Now hold up, it's not like I have been lying all this time. I have been feeling less fun and more funky lately. However, with that being said, in an effort to be positive, there have been some improvements:
-I'm not running out of the room every time I hear a little "Don't Stop Believin'" (this statement does not apply when I am drunk, then all bets are off, although I usually end up more belligerent, less sad.)
-I don't tear up every time I have moment to myself (in the car, at home, walking down the street...)
-Aside from the occasional bitter comment, I don't talk about Tony that much (okay, this is in comparison people...)
-I don't cry every time I talk to Tony (although I don't talk to him that much anymore, so that could be why. Ha)
-Oh! I don't get all upset every time anyone talks about getting married/engaged....See, lots of improvements!!
-Most of all, even though things didn't work out with NH#2, I've realized that I am ready to be in another relationship, like for realz, which seriously feels so huge to me. Sure, I'm still pretty skittish and there are definitely times that I feel like shutting down and never dealing with guys again, but for the most part, I'm willing to give it a shot....

Don't you boys all come banging down my door all at once...

#4: The Law of Least Effort

This fourth law comes at a good time. So you know by now that things ended with NH #2 because we decided...well, he decided that would not be able to handle residency and a relationship at the same time. I decided that it wasn't worth it to get more invested in something that was not going to go anywhere anyway. Whether or not that was a good decision is still up for debate, but at this point, I'm leaning towards no. Why would I not just make the most of the time we have left? I don't know, but now I'm feeling like maybe it's too late to change my mind.... Anyway, I promise this is relevant.

"The Law of Least Effort" is based on the fact that nature's intelligence functions with effortless ease and abandoned carefreeness. This is the principle of least action, of no resistance...Least effort is expended when your actions are motivated by love...When you seek power and control over others you waste energy.

According to Chopra, there are three components to "The Law of Least Effort." The first component is acceptance. Acceptance means that you make a commitment: "Today I will accept people, situations, circumstance and events as they occur." This means I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. When you struggle against this moment, you're actually struggling against the whole universe. When you choose not to struggle, this means that your acceptance of this moment is total and complete.

Okay, so here's where my initial blurb is relevant, and also where I am a bit confused. According to Chopra, if I had accepted the situation as it was-- the fact that NH#2 was going to New Hampshire and just kept going with it, then would things be better right now? By ending things was I struggling against the whole universe, in an effort to protect myself? And now, if I go back and attempt to fix things... well is that struggling against how things are now? Chopra goes on to say, "You accept things as they are, not as you wish they were in this moment...you can wish for things to be different in the future but in this moment you have to accept things as they are." So does that mean I just have to accept that I made this choice? What if I had never made the choice in the first place...so if everyone just accepts things as they are in the moment, then does anything change? Should everyone just wait for other people to do things then?

Chopra also says that when you feel frustrated or upset by a person, remember you are not reacting to that person or situation, but to your feelings about that person or situation. When you recognize and understand this completely, you are ready to take responsibility for how you feel and to change it. Responsibility is also the second component of "The Law of Least Effort." Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself. Having accepted this circumstance, responsibility means the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now. All problems have seeds of opportunity and this awareness allows you to take this moment and transform it into a better situation or thing.

Okay I understand this second concept, learn and create opportunities from every situation, but I have to say, I think it will be very difficult not to blame myself for stuff, since, well, that's sort of my M.O. It does feel like it could be helpful to separate myself from my feelings though, and not be one in the same. I do have sort of a hard time buying into the idea that "this moment is as it should be" and whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones that you need in your life at this moment. I mean what about people who are in really negative or abusive relationships? I understand that maybe they could learn from these relationships, just as any other relationship, but who needs an a person in their lives who makes them miserable? Is Chopra saying that you are choosing to react to someone beating the crap out of you in a negative way? Is there a positive way to look at something like that? Maybe I am missing the point, I do know that I am going on a bit of a tangent that is somewhat irrelevant to the rest of the post, but I guess I just feel like there may be certain situations where this doesn't apply???

The third component of the Law of Least Effort is the defenselessness, which means that your awareness is established in defenselessness and you have relinquished the need to convince or persuade others of your point of view. When you become defensive, blame others and do not accept and surrender to the moment you life meets resistance.

I've got nothing to say to this, as I feel like this is not a problem for me. In fact I feel like I need to be doing a better job of convincing others of my points of view...

And so it comes to this: I will put the "Law of Least Effort into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:

1. I will practice acceptance. Today I will accept people, situations, circumstance, and events as they occur. I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. i will not struggle against the whole universe by struggling against this moment. my acceptance is total and complete. I accept things as they are this moment, not as I wish they were.

2. Having accepted things as they are, I will take responsibility for my situation and for all those events i see as problems. I know that taking responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for my situation (and this includes myself!) I also know that every problem is an opportunity in disguise, and this alertness to opportunities allows me to take this moment and transform it into a greater benefit.

3. Today my awareness will remain established in defensivelessness. I will relinquish the need to defend my point of view. i will feel no need to convince or persuade others to accept my point of view. I will remain open to all points of view and not be rigidly attached to any one of them.

Marathon Monday!!

With all of the craziness of the Boston Marathon swirling around the city this weekend, I thought this would be a good time to discuss my attempt to start running again. I started a few weeks ago. I hadn't really wanted to tell anyone for fear that I could fail in some way (although I don't even really know what that would look like...getting hurt again I guess) But it's true. I'm getting back out there, pounding the pavement if you will, and trying not to injure myself in the process. It sounds sort of silly but I think a lot of my anxiety around running was totally mental (KNOCK ON WOOD!!) Every time I would even think about running my physical therapist's face would pop into my head and my knee would start hurting. Completely psychosomatic. But the look he had when he pushed down on my quad and my knee popped right out with virtually no effort at all, well that was enough to keep me away from running forever.

It wasn't enough to keep me from thinking about running though. 2007 was probably one of the best years I've ever had: I completed my Masters in Social Work, I got my first job out of school that I loved, I got my LCSW, things were going well with Tony, and I had trained and completed a half marathon while raising over $2100 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I felt accomplished and I was happy. Sure, the half marathon was only part of it, but getting up at 5:45 almost every morning to train with my friend Leslie for four months, well that was a pretty large chunk of my year. I felt like one of those "good" people. You know, those people who remember to bring their reusable bags to the grocery store, and raise money for charities and run with their dogs...okay, well I don't know that I will ever consistently remember to bring my reusable bags, but the point is, I felt like I was becoming the person I wanted to be.

I am so far from that now, and I'm not really sure how I lost my way.

So maybe running through the pain and anxiety of getting hurt will get me back to where I want to be (hmmm... this seems to be sounding like a metaphor for relationships somehow...) Yes, sometimes my knee feels like it's just floating around in my leg, as though it is not attached to anything at all. And yes, sometimes it hurts, a lot. And yes, a lot of the time, I think to myself, "I hate running, why am I doing this??" But the truth is, I don't hate running, I actually sort of like it when the music is so loud that it drowns out everything else in my head and I'm moving forward at a snails pace (I am painfully slow. No, seriously.) When I run a race, even though I am often one of the very last people on the course, I feel accomplished, like I am doing something worthwhile with my time, with my life. I once had someone tell me that "pain is not an indication that something is wrong." I thought he was crazy at the time, but maybe it's true, maybe it's just another thing to run through.

Funky Town

Well it's been a long couple of weeks friends.... what I have been doing, well I'm not exactly sure. Most likely a combination of wallowing and working and wasting time on Facebook and Tastespotting (the best website ever!!) and the like. I wish I could say that I was doing something more useful, but researching random events around Boston (that my friends will actually join me on) takes up an awful lot of time...and going to them, well I'm not complaining about that. This weekend I went to the Wine Riot, a wine tasting event which basically guarantees you will be drunk within the first hour of attendance. Pretty awesome.

Anyway, I have to say that I have been in a bit of a funk lately, which has probably contributed to the lack of blog posts as of late. I guess it just feels like no matter what I try, things have not turned around for me. No amount of blogging or yoga-ing or meditating or jewelry-making has made things feel like they are getting better. If anything, I feel like Angry Joy is coming out more often (I would just like to take this time to apologize to the dishwasher, the garbage can, and any other inanimate objects that have been hurt in this process...) As you may have guessed, things with the boy didn't exactly pan out in the way I would have liked, and work...well, lets just say that things could be better in that realm of things too. The worst part is, on top of it all, I feel guilty for bitching about it. I don't want to subject the [two of you] who read this to my idiocy especially when I know that I have friends out there who are going through much worse and seem to be staying on the bright side of things. However, for someone who often falls victim to the vicious downward spiraling of thoughts though, it feels very easy to go from feeling pretty good to feeling like complete shit in a matter of minutes...and always at the strangest times. For instance, today would have been mine and Tony's seven year anniversary, and I am actually feeling okay about it, but I drop my freshly baked broccoli and cheese calzone on the floor and I am freaking irate. It's totally insane, really.

So, I guess analyzing the crap out of my funk has been taking up some time as well. That, and attempting a little Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on myself. Well, I wish I could say it was enough to catapult me out of this deep, dark hole that I have found myself in. Unfortunately, it's not so I'll continue plugging away, wishing for summer to come a little faster, trying to find more random things to do around the city (boxing anyone??? yoga is NOT working. Maybe beating the crap out of something will help me to feel better.) And somewhere in there, I'll start to stop hoping that New Hampshire #2 will change his mind...

Happy Easter!

I never celebrated Easter growing up. To me, Easter was always about going over to my friend Lianne's and raiding her

dining room table which was usually piled full of peanut butter eggs and chocolate bunnies and jelly beans, none of which was ever seen in my house. This year though I am having dinner with my friend Leslie and her husband Chuck. They are contributing ham. I am contributing leeks.

A few weeks ago I went to Haymarket here in Boston. It was an interesting experience that I had never been subject to before. People yelling, pushing and bargaining, the air somehow managing to smell both fishy and fresh at the same time. Between that and the fact that everything was dirt cheap...well it was all a little overwhelming. However, in my excitement at the fact that a carton of blackberries was only a dollar (I basically live off of yogurt, berries and granola) I managed to buy an extravagant amount of fruits and vegetables. How do you turn down a bunch of asparagus for a buck?!? Well, I can tell you right now, you don't. So there I was unloading three plastic bags and a backpack full of stuff I didn't even know I bought and I came across two bunches of leeks, my all time favorite aromatic (I would say vegetable, but then I wouldn't be able to include all the other stuff I love...and also found upon coming home.) I looooooooooove leeks. They are so very delicious and sweet and oniony--especially when you put them in a bread pudding. Did I mention, I also love bread pudding? So the combination, well I can't really think of anything better right now...

I have to admit, I have never made this recipe before, but I found it on Epicurious and it was originally from Ad Hoc at Home by Thomas Keller, a fantastic book, so I figured I couldn't go wrong. Anyway, here it is:

Leek Bread Pudding

Ingredients:

2 cups 1/2 inch thick slices leeks (white and light green parts only)

Kosher Salt

4 tablespoons unsalted butter

Freshly ground pepper

12 cups 1-inch cubed crustless Brioche

1 tablespoon finely chopped chives

1 teaspoon thyme leaves

3 large eggs

3 cups whole milk

3 cups heavy cream

Freshly grated nutmeg

1 cup shredded Comte or Emmentaler

Preparation:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F

Put the leek rounds in a large bowl of tepid water and swish around, let the dirt fall to the bottom of the bowl.

Set a medium saute pan over medium high heat, lift the leeks from the water, drain and add them to the pan. Season with salt and cook, stirring often for about 5 minutes. As the leeks begin to soften, lower the heat to medium-low. The leeks will release liquid. Stir in the butter to emulsify, and season with pepper and taste. Cover the pan with a parchment lid and cook stirring every 10 minutes, until the leeks are very soft 30 to 35 minutes. If at any point the butter breaks or looks oily, stir in about a tablespoon of water to re-emulsify the sauce. Remove and discard parchment lid.

Meanwhile, spread the bread cubes on a baking sheet and toast in the over for about 20 mins, rotating the pan about halfway through until dry and pale gold. Transfer to a large bowl. Leave the oven on.

Add the leeks to the bread and toss well, then add the chives and the thyme. Lightly whisk the eggs in another large bowl. Whisk the milk, cream, a generous pinch of salt, pepper to taste and a pinch of nutmeg.

Sprinkle 1/4 cup of cheese in the bottom of a 9x13 inch baking pan. Spread half the leeks and the croutons in the pan and sprinkle with another 1/4 cup of cheese. Scatter the remaining leeks and croutons over and top with another 1/4 cup of cheese. Pour in enough of the custard mixture to cover the bread and press gently on the bread so that it soaks in the milk. Let soak for about 15 minutes. Add the remaining custard, allowing some of the soaked cubes of bread to protrude. Sprinkle the remaining 1/4 cup cheese on top and sprinkle with salt.

Bake for 1 1/2 hours or until the pudding feels set and the top is brown and bubbling. Yum!

Dangerous Territory

"You're walking through a landmine and you're about to have your leg blown off."

This what Kate said to me the other day.

It was a valiant attempt to steer me away from making the not so healthy decision to go away Friday night (to New Hampshire, where else?!) with the NH#2 who has been around for the last couple of months and is most likely going to being a whole lotta nothing (and inevitably put me in a pretty sucky place in a few months when I already have some sucky things to look forward to i.e Tony's love child...oh wait, it's not a love child if you decide to have a quickie wedding in a matter of three weeks, right?) I have no doubt that she is frustrated with me and my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad (and somewhat irresponsible) decision making as of late (this is most likely due to the fact that I have not taken an ounce of her advice along the way, despite the fact that she is going to end up being the one who listens to me whine and cry when it's over.) However, in my stupid desire to make something into more than what it is, I decided to go.

Now I realize this is a very bad path to be tumbling down, mostly because he has already seemed to make it pretty clear that it's going to be over at some point prior to him leaving for residency (when, I don't know, so don't ask!) Unfortunately, it is also a very difficult path to crawl back up, especially when you don't want to. To make matters worse, it was a fantastic 28 hrs--relaxing and fun and pretty much just all around great. Crap. Trust me, I wish it was disasterous. It would make life so much easier, especially since I know I should really end things (I can't even say break up cause I'm pretty sure we're not really together) now in an effort to protect myself.

Anyway, so here I am, (completely toppled over by the feeling of deja vu--only with the shoe on the other foot--and convinced that it's karma) just trying my best not to get my leg blown off.