A Little Lonely...

The one thing I had really been nervous about prior to leaving for this trip was being by myself. Because being by myself would ultimately fuel a sense of loneliness, a feeling that I have never particularly been comfortable with. Thankfully though, since being in Thailand, there have been very few moments where loneliness has hit, but it is happening right now, as I am riding on the overnight bus to Chiang Mai, writing only by the light of my cell phone. After a couple of pretty spectacular days in Bangkok with friends, new and old (although I suppose in this case, "old" is somewhat relative) the feeling of being by myself is overwhelming and a little sad. I have a hard time not imagining them having experiences that I will not be a part of. I know that as I continue on my travels, I will also continue to meet new people and new friends. To me, these connections are what makes traveling such a transformative experience. In a way, it makes the world feel like a smaller place, and causes you to wonder how and why certain people come into your life. Take my friend Jon for example. During this trip, I've thought to myself on a number of occasions, that had I never met him in the first place, I may never have come on this trip. So did he come into my life for that reason? To help me feel compelled enough to leave my job and go to Thailand? Perhaps. Even if not, I am grateful for his presence, for helping me to not feel so alone on this trip and introducing me to his friends, who I think have done a great job of including me despite their prior close connections. And so we come full circle, back to this sense of loneliness that has subsided a bit in writing this post. Because I know that even as I sit here on the bus, in the dark, that not only are there are people out there who know me and love me, but also so many people I have yet to meet...

New Friends!



And Some Old...

The Most Perfect Day

Alex, Jon and I rented motorbikes this morning so that we could get to Erawan Falls, a national park about an hour outside of Kanchanaburi. Riding on the back of Jon's bike, we passed jagged hills covered in green as we followed the River Kwai. We arrived at Erawan Falls and hiked up a series of 7 different falls, all of which you could swim in. The "fierce monkeys" swung above our heads and the tiny fish nipped our feet in the clear water below, but as we swam through the cave, all I could think of was how I could possibly put this amazing experience into words. We continued our hike to the top and all we could hear were thousands of beetles sounding like a collective group of deafening chainsaws and the ominous sound of thunder in the distance. Throughout it all though beauty surrounded us-- huge twisting vines coiled up on the ground and swinging from the massive trees, hidden waterfalls around every corner and butterflies in bright yellows and oranges fluttering silently throughout the jungle.

Heading back down our stomachs growled, but the threat of rain hung in the air so we quickened our pace and made out way back to the motorbikes.

On our ride back to Kanchanaburi, the rain hit. We had been planning on checking out the Bridge at the River Kwai at sunset but given the weather, it looked that that was not going to happen. Like millions of tiny pin pricks pelting every inch of exposed skin, I clutched on to Jon's waist in the hopes that we would not skid out and get a "Thai tattoo." Somehow though, despite the misery of being wet and freezing, flying through the Thai countryside in the rain was amazing. Sure, I could barely see through my sunglasses that were covered in water and most likely a dead bug or two, but the air smelled like a mix of grilled meat, fruit trees and firewood, and I felt alive... It wasn't until Alex rode up next to us though and shouted "Fuck the Bridge!" that I realized how tense I had been since the rain had started. She was stating the obvious and sitting at the stoplight, we laughed, almost deliriously, at the insanity of the last 45 minutes. We eventually made it back and rewarded ourselves with the spiciest bowl of noodle soup and a few more laughs at our own expense.

Quitting my job and going to Thailand= The BEST decision I've ever made.

So Far...

I write this as I am laying in a hammock listening to the birds sing overhead. After a bumpy three hour trek to Kanchanaburi, laying here and feeling the warm air tangling my hair feels worth it. So much of this trip has been spent on cramped minibuses, only to be rewarded by amazing food and relaxation. It's such a welcome change to how I was feeling a little more than a week ago. Part of me doesn't even know what to do with myself though. I recognize the importance of being in the moment and appreciating this time I have, but the other part of me can't help but feel the familiar feeling of panic. Panic that I won't get to the beaches in the South or be able to experience Chiang Mai the way that I want to. I continue to tell myself that I know that's not true, but I can't help but wonder why I continuously live in this state of being. I mean, would it kill me to just lay here and take in the fact that I am Thailand?? I mean I'm in Thailand for God's sake. I am not working, I'm eating some of the most incredible food I've ever had (super spicy noodles at 2am?! Yes!), I'm drinking coconut water out of their shells on the beach while the waves are lapping at my feet and all I can think of is how I may not get to everything that I want to see. I haven't even gotten to see Bangkok yet. But you know what, I am going to try my best not to worry about it. Overall, I hope that what I can learn from this trip is how to relax and enjoy living in the moment. We'll see how I do but I'm off to go try. Dinner at the Night Market? Yum.

Just a Note

For those of you who are following my travels-- thanks!! I just wanted to let you know that pics will hopefully be coming soon, although I'm not entirely sure how I am going to upload them quite yet, as I didn't bring a computer... I'll figure that out in time though. Keep checking back for updates!

A 13 Hour Flight Isn't So Bad...

unless you happen to be seated next to a Christian Baptist minister who wants to convert you...then a 13 hour trip is actually quite long. Especially if he gives you a pamphlet telling you that you should believe in Jesus Christ. After all, don't you want to go to heaven?! Good thing he laid off after about 10 minutes, cause it would have sucked if I happened to drink a lot of water and had to pee every hour on the hour...but I suppose that wouldn't have been very Christian of me...

Anyway, the following are thoughts from the plane:
The flight map, which is conveniently all in Japanese, shows me that we have almost reached Alaska, which means that we are about halfway through the flight. It is 4am in Bangkok, so I feel like I should probably be sleeping, but given the accommodations and the fact that I am pretty much curled up in the fetal position, I've been doing okay with actually being able to sleep. I'm glad I didn't opt for the aisle though, sleeping against a window is so much comfier...
Anyway, over the last six hours I've done the following:
--watched the movie "No Strings Attached" with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman, which was surprisingly funny and pretty good.
--eaten a bagel (note to self, do not take malaria meds on an empty stomach--Feeling like you are going to vomit pre 13 hour flight,NOT cool) a granola bar, and soggy french toast that was not easily salvaged by a vat of maple syrup.
--contorted my body into odd shapes in an attempt to get in a "comfortable" position.
--watched an episode of 30 Rock that I've already seen.
--listened to "pop" music courtesy of American Airlines that made my ears bleed just a little... perhaps that's why I was doing the NY Times crossword and after staring at it for 10 minutes, I could only get one!! (where are you when I need you Sam?!) Seriously though, it was so hard...
Well, I am off to play a rousing game of Tetris. Hope this gets me through the next seven hours...

Okay, I'm back. Tetris did not get me through seven hours-- Christian dude is playing Tetris next to me, and man does he suck. I almost feel bad for him, he's on level zero and he's gotten a high score of 664. I mean it's sad, really. Anyway, moving on to more important things--we got a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch, not too shabby--not picking the Japanese meal though? Bad idea. They got a choice of udon noodles or teriakyi chicken with rice. Also, I imagine I will see a lot of interesting things on my trip, but there is a dude sitting on the laps of the two guys in front of me. I am not mentioning this because it is guys on guys, more so because I can't imagine anyone sitting on top of me when there is about a foot and a half of space between me and the seat in front of me. I am getting uncomfortable just looking at them...

So the second half of my trip to Bangkok was far better--I slept for a good chunk of it, and I met a new friend! I think we are even going to meet up in Chiang Mai-- he is a documentary film maker and is doing volunteer work there for a few months. So cool...

Well, I'm off! I'll update more once I eat some delicious food :)

Changes?

It’s been a crazy week, but somehow I managed to make it through. The interview is over and I think I did okay. However, the job is in Ithaca... New York... Oh, did I not mention that yet? Yup. And the position is at Cornell, the college my mom used to drag me to every time she thought I needed a little motivation to do a little better in school or needed a place to show to her friends--"look everyone, we live near an Ivy League school, isn't it just so exciting?! I just hope that Joy goes there someday... oh no, I'm not picky, I'll take Princeton too." Okay, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but that's pretty much how I interpreted what she was saying. Anyway, now that I'm a little older though, I suppose I can at least give her the fact that Ithaca is also a very pretty town. It's a town though, and a small one at that, so needless to day, I’m not quite sure how I feel about it yet.

As I was walking through the sprawling campus with its redbud trees blooming with thousands of tiny purple flowers (no, I have no idea why the tree is called redbud either-- I think it's a conundrum that Cornell likes to pose to all of us silly common folk. I'm guessing the buds of the tree are red??) and looking out into the scenery, I seriously contemplated whether or not I could live there. It was beautiful right now, with a smattering of delicate purple petals floating through the air, but what about when those petals turn to snow and it's piercing your face like a million little icicles. Would I still like Ithaca then? When I am sitting alone in my apartment because I have no friends and only my pups and my computer to entertain me, am I going to be cursing the fact that I took this job to begin with? Okay, I know, I know. I am getting waaay ahead of myself. I haven't even gotten the job yet. My interview seat is probably still warm....perhaps it's a little too early to be worrying about all of this. But I'm starting to wonder if I should have even opened this door for myself in the first place, especially if I feel compelled to take it. It would be like my dream job... I get to work with Asians and in Higher Ed? For only 10 months a year? I mean I don't know that I can really think of anything better right now, well except if the job were in Boston or NYC (this is not what I meant when I wanted a job in New York, if you couldn't tell.) Anyway, I guess I can't sit around and worry about this, especially since I haven't even started packing yet, and I'm leaving in two days. So until I get that offer letter in the mail I guess all I can do is focus on Thailand, focus on Thailand, focus on Thailand....

Ithaca is Gorges...

Insomnia

It's 4:30am and I haven't been able to sleep all night. Half awake, I'm aware that I'm grinding my teeth and flipping on my back and my side and my stomach. It's not that my bed is not comfortable. In fact, my sheets are soft and I can feel a little puppy head leaning against my foot. Biggie isn't supposed to be on my bed, but I generally make exceptions since I'm sleeping and can't feel him jump up anyway (or at least that's what I tell myself- the reality is, I'm too lazy to tell him to jump off, plus I kinda like it.)

Today marks exactly a week from which I am leaving. In fact, next Monday, I will probably be in the car on the way to the airport as of right this very moment. I haven't had a whole lot of time to think about my trip though. People keep asking if I am excited and whether or not I'm ready and the fact of the matter is that I am not. Things keep piling up on this side of the week-unnecessary meetings, and exciting interviews and goodbye dinners... While some of the things are good, and some are bad, every extra thing that I have to do feels like a thousand times the amount of the responsibility. I've learned a few things in the past few months though, as I've been packing in the hours trying to make money for this trip while trying to gain experience for this job that I'm interviewing for-- that as long as I have an end goal I can't pretty much make it through anything. There have definitely been a few moments, some time mid 12 hour day when I worked 12 hours the day before and was working on about 4 hours of sleep because I got called in during the overnight shift that I genuinely thought that I was going to totally lose it. I was going to just start crying and not be able to stop. But somehow, I have made it through. I have one week left. One week that is filled with paperwork, and packing, and prepping for this interview (no easy feat) and baking cookies and quiches (for Katie's bridal shower) and doing laundry, and driving home five hours Upstate only to drive back to Boston to leave the next day for New Jersey, trying to remember all the little things i have to do before I leave... I know it sounds like I am bitching. I know that I did this all to myself. I know that it will all be worth it when I am laying on a beach in Thailand. But there is a part of me that is scared; I am scared that I won't make it through this week and of this crazy trip that I am taking, and the fact that I won't have a job when I get back, and maybe I won't meet people or make any friends and my stuff will get lost, or I will have forgotten to bring something, or something will happen to me. Most of all, I'm scared that I'll be alone for six weeks and that I'll be missing events here in Boston--bbqs on Memorial day, concerts at the Hatch shell, walking through the public garden which is so very beautiful this time of year, drinking beers on a patio (my very favorite thing to do come summer time.) I guess it's just hard to see what's ahead of me right now, even though that is what has been pushing me through these last eight weeks of hell.

I am going to try to go back to bed now and get at least one hour of sleep, I have a long week ahead. Only a few more days left...