Well it's been a long couple of weeks friends.... what I have been doing, well I'm not exactly sure. Most likely a combination of wallowing and working and wasting time on Facebook and Tastespotting (the best website ever!!) and the like. I wish I could say that I was doing something more useful, but researching random events around Boston (that my friends will actually join me on) takes up an awful lot of time...and going to them, well I'm not complaining about that. This weekend I went to the Wine Riot, a wine tasting event which basically guarantees you will be drunk within the first hour of attendance. Pretty awesome.
Anyway, I have to say that I have been in a bit of a funk lately, which has probably contributed to the lack of blog posts as of late. I guess it just feels like no matter what I try, things have not turned around for me. No amount of blogging or yoga-ing or meditating or jewelry-making has made things feel like they are getting better. If anything, I feel like Angry Joy is coming out more often (I would just like to take this time to apologize to the dishwasher, the garbage can, and any other inanimate objects that have been hurt in this process...) As you may have guessed, things with the boy didn't exactly pan out in the way I would have liked, and work...well, lets just say that things could be better in that realm of things too. The worst part is, on top of it all, I feel guilty for bitching about it. I don't want to subject the [two of you] who read this to my idiocy especially when I know that I have friends out there who are going through much worse and seem to be staying on the bright side of things. However, for someone who often falls victim to the vicious downward spiraling of thoughts though, it feels very easy to go from feeling pretty good to feeling like complete shit in a matter of minutes...and always at the strangest times. For instance, today would have been mine and Tony's seven year anniversary, and I am actually feeling okay about it, but I drop my freshly baked broccoli and cheese calzone on the floor and I am freaking irate. It's totally insane, really.
So, I guess analyzing the crap out of my funk has been taking up some time as well. That, and attempting a little Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on myself. Well, I wish I could say it was enough to catapult me out of this deep, dark hole that I have found myself in. Unfortunately, it's not so I'll continue plugging away, wishing for summer to come a little faster, trying to find more random things to do around the city (boxing anyone??? yoga is NOT working. Maybe beating the crap out of something will help me to feel better.) And somewhere in there, I'll start to stop hoping that New Hampshire #2 will change his mind...
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15 years ago
Dearest Joy,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your blog. You have the ability to put into words that which I am also feeling. For exmaple, your "Funky Town" post. Being two years post long-term relationship, and about one year post another, I am also still "stuck". Your comment "I guess it just feels like no matter what I try, things have not turned around for me. No amount of blogging or yoga-ing or meditating or jewelry-making has made things feel like they are getting better" really nails it for me. Another line from the "Marathon Monday" post I can relate to. In fact, I was thinking the same thing last night: "I am so far from that now, and I'm not really sure how I lost my way". I feel like the days where I am feeling good and life seems to be on track are really just masking the unhappiness I still harbor. I don't know how to get over this unhappiness, nor do I have the patience to just let "time heal all wounds". If we are feeling the same about similar situations perhaps, then, this is "normal". Maybe I can find solace in this.
I hope you will not stop blogging, at least for awhile. I admire your clarity in expressing your thoughts and feelings. I often find myself blocked trying to do this for myself. Indeed, it took me some time to compose this alone.
Rachel
Rachel,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I am so glad that I can help to normalize this experience for you. I often wonder if I should bother continuing to blog because sometimes it feels like no one out there is reading this at all, but getting a comment like that makes it all worth it...
I'm sorry you are continuing to have a hard time. I am the most impatient person ever so I also know how it feels to just want to feel better. I think that is why I do all this stuff, that there is a small part of me that hopes if I just do yoga that everything will magically go back to normal, but I think it's true that time helps, even if it sucks in the meantime...
Anyway, take care of yourself and don't let all those stupid boys out there get you down, they are not worth it!!