Progress?

If I look back over the last two months and think about what I have accomplished, I could probably say "nothing" more easily than I would like to admit. However, being that 2010 is the year in which I am going to be more positive, lets take a look at the things I have figured out:

1. I will never be a jewelry maker. Why, you ask? Well, that brings us to revelation #2

2. I lack a little thing called "frustration tolerance." Okay, this is not a revelation. I have known this for a long time. It makes me way more angry than necessary, but luckily for the people around me (not so much for the dishwasher or garbage can) it is usually directed at inanimate objects or myself, neither of which is particularly healthy. Sometimes I need to just take some deep breaths and walk away.

3. I love yoga. HATE the gym. Miss running :(

4. I have no discipline when it comes to losing weight. This is not an issue of being hungry, this is about managing my emotions. Getting drunk and eating an entire box of macaroni and cheese and two cupcakes is not going to make me feel better about life.

5. I do have discipline if I have a clear cut goal that I am working towards (i.e 31 in 31.)

6. Facebook is not the problem. The Internet is.

7. There is a part of me that is absolutely terrified to get into another relationship. This is not a good thing.

8. On the other hand, I have discovered that I am one resilient cookie. (Seriously, I feel like if I was able to make it through the last few months without having a complete breakdown, I can pretty much make it through anything)

9. I have not yet kicked the negativity habit since most of these are negative despite my attempt at being positive. Ha.

10.I'm pretty sure most of my issues occur because I am not living in the present. I am constantly dwelling over the past or thinking about ways to sabotage my future (not consciously of course.) I am pretty sure that 70% of my life is spent in a distracted, mindless state.

Which brings me to next month's challenge. My friend Leslie, who is currently in teacher training at Prana was assigned a bunch of books for her class, one of which was The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra. She so generously bought me a copy in an attempt to help me on my quest to make this the "Year of Joy." So I will be following the laws of the book for the month of March while also incorporating yoga back into my life more consistently.... grains were a lost cause. More tomorrow on what this all means. I am feeling like crappy and stuffy and sick. Off to bed!

Writer's Block

If you can't tell, I have been struggling to write on my blog lately. I think this is partially due to the fact that my challenge(s) for February have not been that exciting. The whole not eating grains thing was just a disaster and not going on Facebook...well, what is there to say about that? I haven't even made anything particularly delicious lately (unless you count the chocolate chip cookies I made... crap! I could have written about that!)

If I'm being honest though, there is a small part of me that sort of wonders why I am posting these entries at all. I mean I suppose I am doing it for me-- telling myself that these postings are to help document the challenges that I am doing. But the challenges are not turning out to be super successful and like I said, half the time they are not that exciting anyway. I'm not going on Facebook. Yay. See, not that exciting.

Okay, that was not totally honest, just partially.... warning: I am about to say something kind of dumb and borderline pathetic, so just bear with me for just a second.... *whine* It feels like no one out there is reading this (which I know is not true, I force my roommate to read it every time I post something! Ha.)

If that is the case though, then is it worth it to only write for myself? I mean isn't that a bit self-indulgent? I mean who cares if I don't eat grains or go to yoga every day? On the other hand, if I was really concerned about people reading this, wouldn't I put it on Facebook or make it more public etc. etc.? So part of me also feels like I don't know if I want to people to read it. And the other part says I do, I definitely do. Sometimes it all feels sort of funny too though, especially since I feel like I write about stuff (namely my feelings around Tony) that feels very raw to me and not easy to share otherwise. Anyway, who knows...I think I am just in a funk and feeling sort of angry and blah for no apparent reason. Plus I felt bad I hadn't posted anything all week, so this is what I've got. At least we're heading into the weekend... Blind date tonight, cross your fingers!

Things to Consider

Last night Kate and I went to a show called "A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant & A Prayer: Writings to Stop Violence against Women & Girls." Despite the fact that I'm pretty sure they didn't have the heat on at The Armory and I was so cold I was practically in the fetal position, it was really great. The show was made up of a collection of monologues, songs, and poems written by widely acclaimed authors and playwrights and it discussed the impact of violence against women in the world. It was edited by Eve Ensler of "The Vagina Monologues" and Mollie Doyle who did what, I don't know.

The thing about topics like this is that it seems to me that many people are not aware of what is going on, whether they choose not to be, or they are just oblivious I don't know. More often than I would like to admit, I can include myself in this category. I listen to NPR but usually for the interviews, book reviews or human interest pieces. I read the Boston Globe or The New York Times but usually skip to the to Lifestyle or Food section. I watch the news but it's usually just on in the background when I am doing something else. The point is, that as much as I would like to consider myself to be a fairly intelligent and aware individual, I don't really know that I am. The question is, why? Why are there so many people out there who have no idea what is going on around them? Is it because they feel like they can't do anything, because they don't want to know, because they don't care? Now I wouldn't say that I don't care, but unfortunately I can certainly understand why people feel so overwhelmed or sad or scared that they would rather just ignore it all.

I don't talk about my job very often on this blog, mostly because I feel like I shouldn't air my clients' crap on the Internet. For those of you who don't know, I am a clinical social worker and I do a mix of outpatient and intensive home based therapy with adults, adolescents and families. Anyway, most of the people that I work with are pretty unhealthy, mentally, that is. In a lot of ways it is very sad, but it can also be very frustrating and overwhelming. Oftentimes it feels like I am talking to a wall, or just repeating myself over and over and over again. I think to myself, I got into this field to help others and it feels like I am doing absolutely nothing. Throughout the six months (or so) that I work with my clients, I rarely see any big changes. Coming from someone who so often only sees the negative, it is incredibly difficult not to blame it on myself, not to think that I am the one who sucks and not doing my job correctly. I am sure it is not just me who feels like a broken record though, my supervisors tell me constantly to focus on the small changes-- that many of my clients don't have the capacity to make a complete turn-around, that they have been struggling with these issues for so many years and have had so many therapists in their lives that I can't put all of the pressure on myself. They often use the pickle jar analogy: one person tries to open the pickle jar, but it doesn't work, so you hand it to the next person and the next, each person loosening the jar a little bit each time until it finally opens and hopefully a change has been made.

My long-winded point (which is related to the original topic at hand, I promise) is that despite my frustrations, despite the fact that working with my clients can feel like its going nowhere, it doesn't mean that it is going nowhere. At the end of the show, I have to admit, there was a part of me that thought to myself, what is the point of talking and getting the issue out there when in reality, the only people who are listening are the people who care about this topic to begin with. It's not like the rapists or the abusive spouses or the Dafurian government are out there hearing people talk about these injustices and thinking to themselves, "gee I should probably stop." Now before you chastise me on this, I know that thought is a bit ridiculous, because then why would anyone bother trying to change anything? Why would I bother with my clients? Why wouldn't I just give up on them and say that they are a lost cause. Because all this time, my supervisors were right (shocking, I know) it is about the small changes. For every additional person who thinks or talk about the topic of violence against women (or any other topic of importance for that matter,) that is one more person who may feel inspired to get help for themselves, to protest, to reach out to a friend, to volunteer, to donate or just to start a conversation.

Like I said, I am not always the most informed person out there. Unfortunately I often make the choice not to be because it sometimes feels like too much, like there is so much out there that needs to change, what can one person do? But my point is that one person can lead to two and two people can lead to four and so on... I can't say that I am going to go out there and jump right in and change the world (to be honest, I feel like I am already trying my best to help the people that I can help) but I can certainly work harder to be gather knowledge and to start conversations and to get people thinking. If you want to get informed check out these links:

Getting heard can make a difference

Violence against women fact sheet

Women's Rights

**V-Day is a global movement to end violence against women and girls that raises funds and awareness through benefit productions of playwright/ founder, Eve Ensler's award winning play "The Vagina Monologues" and other artistic works. For more information go to vday.org**

On another related note, Kate and I are participating in the Walk For Change. Join us (and Tuffy & Biggie-- you can bring your dogs!! Yay!) or support us in our efforts to help the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center take a step towards ending sexual violence.

So Far I'm Good.

With Facebook that is. Only one more week left. So far the only time I went on it was to write a friend back about plans because I didn't have her phone number. On that one occasion did I nothing else. I didn't even waste my time reading my news feed! However, I don't know that I have done anything else productive with my time, which was the whole point of me giving up Facebook in the first place. I did a crossword puzzle today, does that count? I haven't felt like I have really needed to check it though and after getting over the hump of my first day struggle, I haven't been feeling like I am missing out on anything. So I'm happy about that. I guess I just need to be more proactive about doing stuff other than being on the computer in the first place-- that it is less about Facebook, more about the Internet in general, but obviously I can't cut that out of my life. Anyway, my chronic dry eye is kicking in and I can't freaking see anything but blurs on the page, so I'm going to bed. Good night all!

As a side note, I think I have met my soulmate in negativity. Maybe two negatives can somehow make a positive? Here's hoping!

Checking Things Off the List... and Rants

I did it! I did the crow! I mean I have done it before, but I have never felt like I was in control of it. I have always felt like at any minute I was going to go crashing into the floor, which as we all know has happened multiple times before. Today though I was able to maintain my balance and stay up. I think it's going to take me a while to stay up for as long as most people are in the pose for, (which I think probably ends up being about 30 seconds--this seems short, but trust me it's not) but it's a start! Anyway I was so excited, I seriously almost jumped up in class. I managed to keep myself under control though. So that is my exciting news for the day. Yay!

Here is the proof in the form of a picture of my lovely ass for all the Internet to see-- in my Tuffy pants no less. I decided to spare you all from the mismatching color selection of my outfit by editing this pic to b&w.

Crow: you have been defeated. Yesssssssssssssssssssssssss! :)

In other news, I have a bit of a gripe to speak of. Last night my friend Liz and I went to Third Thursdays at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum (this is an event where people go, check out the museum and enjoy tasty cocktails and snacks while wandering around listening to the DJ in the courtyard.) As we are sitting there, chatting about boys and work and life, who do I see, but Dave! Now many of you may not know who this is because I dated him (and I use that term very loosely) briefly a few months ago, but for those of you who need a memory jog, he was the lawyer dude who went to Harvard and had been on Jeopardy(!) We had seen each other for about a month and a half, but unfortunately things ended up losing momentum and falling apart. At the time I was definitely disappointed because I did like him, but there was so much other crap going on, that the end of this "relationship" was completely overshadowed by the other stuff. Anyway, so there he is coming down the corridor with this girl. I see him, and I am positive that he sees me, and what does he do? He avoids eye contact!!!! Okay, I am not a completely irrational person. I get that he is with a girl. I am not looking to cramp his style, but first of all, he was walking behind her, if he said hi or made eye contact, she never would have seen. Second of all, I wasn't even really looking for a "hi" I was looking for maybe a head nod or some sort of acknowledgement, but nothing! WTF. I was so annoyed...clearly. I mean it's not like we ended things on a bad note, it was pretty mutual. Believe it or not, am not totally crazy, I would not have tried to rekindle things or start a conversation with him right there, but to not even act like he knew who I was, that I have a problem with. I don't understand, what is so hard about just being a decent person?! I really just thought it was sort of obnoxious, but I suppose boys are sort of dumb in that way. At least that's what I try to tell myself. UGH! Rant ends.

Inspiration

I think I am lacking it this week...this month actually. After the grain challenge fell to the wayside, I've had little motivation to start something else, or I have just put little thought into it. I mean challenging myself on an alternative issue for the remainder of the month has passed into my brain somewhat sporadically, but not enough for me to sit down and come up with the terms of the challenge. Instead, I have settled back into my usual lifestyle which consists of looking up random stuff on-line, wasting time on Facebook doing what, I don't know.... hmm... which gives me an idea. Maybe I'll give up Facebook for the last two weeks of February! Okay, last week and a half -- that would be a pretty big challenge. I wonder if I would feel like I was totally out of touch with the outside world. I wonder how much more I can get done when I'm not f'in around on it. Loads, I'm guessing-- all that time that would be better spent reading or taking the dogs for a walk or writing in my blog (which apologetically I admit I have been slacking on.) I'm acting like this is a big revelation. It's not like I haven't thought about it before, but I guess it would be good to put into action. Maybe then I can talk about all the awesome things I am doing when I am not on Facebook (one can only hope.) Okay, so that's what I'm doing. Starting now. Oh man, I am already starting to freak a bit.... sad.

Puppy Love is Always Enough

Valentine's Day is a day for celebrating love and there is nothing I love more than my pups.

Not only are they always excited to see me, but I get to wake up to this every morning:


They keep my feet warm too!


So today I decided to return the favor and make them home made treats--try them out for your own pups!

Peanut Butter Biscuits
2 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup wheat germ
1 cup peanut butter
1 egg
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup water
1/2 teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Combine flour wheat germ and salt in large bowl then mix in peanut butter, egg oil and water.
Roll dough out onto a lightly floured surface till about 1/2 inch thick, then cut out the biscuits using a cookie cutter -- (or make squares).
Put the biscuits onto an ungreased baking sheet. Bake 15 mins for the smaller sized cookies and up to 35 mins for larger ones
Place on baking rack to cool
Enjoy!

Also, Happy Chinese New Year everyone!!

Remember Love

Tony came over to pick up the rest of his stuff yesterday. It was terrible, miserable at best. I haven't seen him since August, which was way before he dropped the bomb of a lifetime on me. Throughout the morning I told myself I wasn't going to cry... but unfortunately, that was just a ridiculous expectation. As a not so shocking result, I ended up feeling shitty for the rest of the day. Even when I went to see the movie Valentine's Day with my friend Molly (note to self: romantic comedies are not a great pick when feeling like a complete disaster) I couldn't seem to shake it. However, by then I had already committed to spending the rest of the evening at home feeling sorry for myself, so I did and continued with my current read, "The Happiness Project."

In this book, the author, like me, divided her resolutions into months and tried to tackle them over the course of a year (just for the record, I did not hear about this book until after I started "The Year of Joy" so my project is not an attempt to copy hers.) I was on the month of February where her resolution was to "remember love" and to try to improve things in her marriage. Great. Regardless, I decided to push on through the pages to see what she had to say. While I was reading the chapter though, I couldn't help but to underline the pieces of information that I felt were important to remember. It was as if I was working towards something that Tony and I could fix together. For a moment, I thought to myself, 'oh maybe that's what I should do, I should be nicer, I should show more affection, I should let some things go!' But then I came back to reality and remembered that he is married with a kid on the way. It's as if I still can't believe it. As if I am still thinking to myself, well if I only tried this then it would work, things would be different. But there is no one left to experiment on, no one left to work with, just myself.

Perhaps that was part of the problem the whole time...I know that it is pointless to try to change other people, that the only person you can really change is yourself. However, I think I was working to change myself in the wrong way. I was too self-absorbed, too focused on what was wrong with me as the individual, not me as part of the relationship. Theoretically, I suppose they should be one in the same, but I was so terrified of losing myself as an independent person, that maybe I didn't end up giving him enough of me. Regardless of whether or not Tony and I made the right choices, we will never know. However, for the rest of you out there, I hope that this posting has helped you to remember that even though sometimes it can be hard to put up with your significant other, it is important not to take them for granted and it's never a bad time to "remember love."

***On a positive note, I hear the unfamiliar sound of birds outside my window-- does that mean spring is coming soon??? I hope so!***

It's Official!

I've stopped falling off the wagon and just taken myself off of it. I am eating carbs again. I know, it didn't last that long, but to me 10 days was a freaking eternity. Eh, who am I kidding, if I was really following my "grain-free" diet then I lasted 3 days. Pathetic. I still haven't eaten a piece of bread though, or pasta or any cereal, which I guess is good. Oh wait... again, not true, I went on a date last night and had a Proscuitto, Mozzerella & Fig sandwich. Yum!

Anyway, my point is that I know why I failed: I was not clear enough about my goals. I mean they seemed very clear when I wrote them down in my blog entry, but in my head, I hadn't committed to them in full. I was thinking that my challenge would be to stop eating bread and pasta and cereal etc., not that I would stop drinking beer or look to see if things had cornflour in it. So, therein lies the problem. After all, it's essentially a fact-- "people are more likely to make progress on goals that are broken into concrete measurable actions, with some sort of structured accountability and positive reinforcement." I of all people should know that. I mean I pretty much do it for a living. Apparently though, it is much easier to preach than to practice because clearly I did none of these things. Well, I tried to keep myself accountable by blogging about it but if you look back, I wasn't even doing that. I was only blogging about when I was failing at my challenge, not trying to motivate myself to push forward. I was able to succeed so easily with the yoga because I knew that was my goal: to complete 31 classes in the 31 days of January. This month I was so vague that I, in turn, managed to set myself up to fail. Not only that, I never really allowed myself any slack. Even when I did yoga there was a way in which I felt like I would be able to make up for it if I missed a day.

So, going forward with this year, I am going to set clearer goals to follow, I am going to allow some room for missteps and I am going to reward myself with every goal that I am able to accomplish. FInally, I am going to try to compound my goals from month to month. I mean if you think about it, that's sort of the point-- to create a new, happier, healthier me, whether that be through better eating, or exercise or some soul searching, or all of the above.

In the meantime though, as of tomorrow, the wonderful day of the Valentine (which I think is the first Valentine's Day that I have been single in like 16 years or something) marks half the month over. So what should I work towards for the rest of the month? Here are the ideas I have heard so far: no sugar, no alcohol, no meat... If you have one I should try, let me know! In the meantime I'm going to eat some cereal :)

Snowy Day

We waited all day for the snow and it never came... Now I feel silly that I canceled my appointments, but happy that I got to spend the day cuddling with my pups and getting a ton of paperwork done! I also made some potato soup, which was yummy, but not very pretty so instead, here is a pic of Tuffy hanging out in the December snow:

I Feel Sick

I should have never eaten a boatload of Indian food..... and ice cream. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Sigh... when will I learn...

On a positive note, self-imposed snow day tomorrow!! WhooHoooooooo!

The Joys of Dating...

No Pun Intended.

Since 2010 has begun I have been on a number of dates. Clearly none of them have been very successful since there have been no posts about how overjoyed and desperately in love I am (although, if any of you have learned anything about me in the last month and a half, you would know that not only have I managed to become completely jaded, but I would never purposely subject anyone to that sort of mushiness...) However they usually do have the occasional redeeming quality: they make for some pretty good stories.

Now my method of choice for finding dates as of late has been the Internet. Honestly, I don't know how else people meet these days! I mean fear of rejection aside, how do you start a conversation without sounding totally lame? I certainly haven't figured it out yet. I am completely incompetent when it comes to these things, which is why my conversations with cute boys usually end after I say something totally awkward like "hi, nice weather we're having today." It's sad, really. The bar is also often less than successful for me. I mean I feel like I am a relatively nice, friendly, fairly normal looking person, but for some reason dudes treat me like a leper. Seriously, I think I repel men. I could be sitting there all by lonesome and not a single person will come up to me. I like to think it's cause I am super intimidating with all of my awesomeness, but... I'm pretty sure it's not that. Finally, and this is the proverbial nail in the coffin, I am a social worker. This means that my entire field is virtually devoid of men and aside from an exception or two, there is pretty much no chance in hell that I will meet a viable, interesting, decent looking, straight man. So, the Internet it is. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I am on the hunt right now, but if I happen to meet someone cool via bar or email, I'm not turning them down. The problem with the internet is that you have to do some big-time, heavy weeding out of men. I really can't even begin to discuss some of the emails I have gotten. Let me put it this way... people are not shy about asking for sexual favors (NOT an effective way of getting a response guys!!!) For the few that have had redeeming qualities, they either end up being terribly awkward, super sensitive, completely self-absorbed or just your average stalker. Occasionally, when you get lucky, it is a combination of two or more of these lovely attributes.

I mean I am not saying that I am always a walk in the park. Clearly I have some issues going on for me (nobody gets out of a six year relationship without one, or two... or three-- I'm trying to resist the urge to say "even you Tony," but... I can't. See, issues! ) Overall though, I'd like to think that I try to keep my stuff in check during the first few months, you know at least until they get to know me :) My question is, what does it say about the people who can't do that? The people who freak out when you don't get back to them within a few hours, or who tell you that they think all of their friends in relationships are "whipped" (why may I ask are you even looking then!?!) Or for the people who I haven't even met yet, who email me every other day asking to hang out, or if I'm free, or if I want to do something. What exactly did you not understand from the last 10 emails I didn't respond to? I don't know...

I have to say though, as much as dating has sucked from time to time, I don't know that I would give it up right now. It has given me some great stories, interesting conversations and even the occasional free meal (score!) Don't get me wrong, I have definitely learned that I prefer to be in a relationship (and that's okay, for all of you Judgey McJudgertons out there- myself included.) But as the saying goes "you have to kiss a lot of frogs..."





***My last totally random and unrelated comment for the evening: I am eating carbs tonight. On purpose. I just don't care. I'm not saying that I'm done for the rest of the month, just for tonight. The last couple of days at work have been really stressful and I don't want to use carbs as my method of self-care, but at this point, I just want to eat some rice or something. So I'm doing it. Don't try to stop me. It's happening. Right. Now. ***

A Very Slippery Slope

Hello to whoever's out there, sorry it's been so long since I've written last. It's been a long week of resisting carbs and every bit of extra energy was used to exert some self-control against the passing the soft, chewy bagels at work, the warm, slightly sweet brown bread at the Cheesecake Factory and the crusty, buttery toast that came with brunch yesterday. Honestly looking back I'm not quite sure how I did it. So many temptations and yet I managed to somehow fall victim to the Oreo cookie....

Actually, that's not true, it really all started on Wednesday night....*cue swirly screen and bloopity music sound* I came home after what had already been feeling like a long week and I was starving. The endless salads that I had been eating just did not seem to be filling me up. So I decided to make a tofu and vegetable red curry stir-fry. It was delicious (until I decided to eat all four servings of it in one sitting, then it was not so delicious... but mostly because I was cursing myself.) Unfortunately, I made the mistake of looking at the label on the red curry sauce after I finished my meal. Cornflour!!! That is on my list of things I can't eat! Crap.

This is the moment where the justification began.
It went something like this:
"Well, really the issue is that I am trying to avoid breads, pastas, rice etc. It's not like my downfall is cornflour. A little cornflour never hurt anyone and it's not going to totally set me off and cause me to eat an entire box of cereal. Plus it's in the sauce so it's not even like I am eating a carb...."

Except that then Thursday came around and I had a date at the The Field in Central Square which is totally dive bar-esque. I mean it would have felt really weird to drink a glass of wine there when it is so clearly a beer place...

Friday I was good. Yay me!

And then it was Saturday... sigh... Saturday was not a good day. I went to brunch in the morning and managed to pawn the toast off on my lovely dining companion :). But then I had dinner plans with Michelle my former roomie and super yogi. We went to Ole for Mexican. Not a good plan for my anti grain eating diet. As soon as I sat down I knew that I would not be able to avoid the tableside guacamole. This wouldn't have been a problem in terms of the grains except that aside from eating it with a spoon or shoving my face in the bowl, my only vessel for consumption was the still warm (!) salty corn tortilla chip. And since I had a million tortilla chips, shouldn't I just have the fish tacos? I mean it seemed only logical... When I came home, I was still feeling okay about it all-- not too guilty at least. I even said to Kate, "It was one slip up, I'm not letting it ruin the rest of my night." Famous Last Words.

Later that evening I went to a Valentine's Day Charity Auction (which was totally weird and hilarious and should really be a posting in itself.) We walked in and the first thing I saw (aside from the 10 slightly awkward girls having even more awkward conversations) was a chocolate fondue fountain, surrounded by strawberries, pretzels, lady fingers and.... the Oreo cookie. Now I can't even tell you how long it has been since I have eaten an Oreo, but I would be lying if I said I hadn't been thinking about it since I saw a commercial for it the other day (ah the joys of marketing...) Anyway, I was doing a great job resisting it at first, but three sangrias later there I was twisting open my Oreo and enjoying it's deliciousness. That and these little pieces of calzone, and a pretzel and mini cheesy spinach tarts....

Today is a new day though, and aside from the superbowl, which I sadly have no plans for, I don't think there is really anything to tempt me.

Stay tuned...



Oreo, I curse you and your deliciously chocolately crispy cookie ways!!

All I Can Smell is Pizza...

It's day two and I can already tell this challenge is going to kick my ass. I made it through day one without any issues. I wasn't even cranky! However tonight, I bought dinner for one of my clients and brought it over for our family meeting. Usually we have pizza and breadsticks from Papa Gino's (which is actually not that bad in comparison to some of the other crappy chains my families love,) and it was delicious.... Just kidding!! I got a chicken caesar salad. Let me tell you, sitting in the car, letting the deliciously carby smell of the warm, cheesy pizza penetrate my nostrils-- NOT easy. Really, I was doing everything I could to keep from slipping one hand into the breadstick box as I drove with the other. When I got to the house though I managed to maintain my quickly dwindling will power and made it through the hour nibbling on lettuce.

On a positive note my completely f'd up scale told me I lost 8 pounds... in a day. I'm pretty positive that is more than totally inaccurate, but it's amazing what a number can do for your self-esteem.

Sigh... I'm hungry. And sleepy. Good night all.

Challenge #2: Cold Turkey

February is upon us and you know what that means! It's finally time to find out what the challenge is for month two! I know, you guys are so excited that you can't even contain yourselves....

I am going grain-free and cutting red meat out!

Now I am not looking at this as a "diet," nor am I going "low carb" or Atkins; This is more like a challenge, something difficult that I feel like I would otherwise have a virtually impossible time doing (I have a bit of a competitive streak, so I feel like if I look at it that way, it won't seem as though I am depriving myself.) Anyway, I have gotten some backlash on this from the people I have spoken to about it, so here are my reasons:

1. I am a carb-addict. I think I have spoken a little bit about how much cereal I could eat in one sitting and it is a seriously disturbing amount. This would be a HUGE challenge for me-- I'm guessing potentially the most difficult of the whole year. I also love bagels and pasta and bread and cookies... well, you see where the problem is.

2. I went to the dr. the other day, and as a result of my decision to delve head first into emotional eating over the last few months, I have gained a lot of weight (let's just say double digits.) Obviously this doesn't make me happy as I spent the last month bitching about how the yoga didn't do much for me in that realm of things.

3. Most of my diet currently consists of carbs, and I definitely need to incorporate some more fruits, vegetables and proteins into my life, so what better way than going all or nothing?! I feel like it's really the only way to do it, since I apparently have difficulty moderating things in my life.
4. As for the red meat, I don't eat much of it anyway, so i don't think it would be that much of a challenge for me, but I just feel like there are other benefits to doing that both environmentally and health-wise. It is really more of an afterthought...

So, here are the things I am cutting out for the next 28 days:
- Wheat
- Rye
- Barley
- Bran
- Bulgur
- Couscous
- Farina
- Kamut
- Orzo
- Semolina
- Spelt
- Corn
- Cornflour
- Cornmeal
- Rice
- Oats
- Millet
- Beer (yes, beer!)
- Glucose made from wheat

Luckily starches such as potatoes are not considered a grain (obviously) and neither is Quinoa, so I'm hoping those two things will be my saving grace this month as I embark on this challenge and potentially a whole new world of crankiness.

My apologies to everyone in advance.


My last sad little bagel until March eaten at 11:55pm on January 31st... so delicious... :(
(I felt I needed to carbo-load before my marathon of non-grain eating.) SIgh...