I have been thinking an awful lot about turning 30 recently. It is only three months away and I'm not exactly how it came up so quickly. As a result, I think I have been regressing slowly into the 22 year old version of myself. What this means is that I have been going out multiple nights a week and living the basic reckless lifestyle of, well, me, eight years ago...only with worse hangovers, more responsibilities, and consequently, more guilt. Fun. I'm guessing that part of this is about self-medicating and the other part feels like this is my last chance to get drunk and act like an idiot on a regular basis. Why that is, I don't know. I know plenty of people out there who are over 30 and act like total idiots.
I suppose I am still struggling to deal with where I once imagined my life would be at 30. I don't know that I ever had a very clear picture, but I can say with confidence that my life didn't include having a roommate, being a single mom to two dogs, and working at a mediocre job that pays next to nothing. Sure, we've established that it's not all bad; I'm just saying that it's not what I expected. This leads me to Law #5: The Law of Intention and Desire.
According to Law #5, I am supposed to write down a list of my desires and let the universe handle the details for me. Maybe this is where the problem lies, that I have never written down any desires for myself and kept them in the forefront of my brain. I'll be honest though, despite the fact that I haven't written down any desires, I don't know that the universe is handling things so well. In many ways it seems like my life this past year has been a test--let's see just how far we can push Joy until she totally loses it. Don't get me wrong, I think I have learned a lot from it. I know that I am a lot stronger than I realized and certainly more resilient, but I have also been wondering when is this test going to be over?! When are things just going to work out in my favor? Because Universe, my patience is waning and has been for quite a while. Maybe I am missing the entire point. I should just learn from this experience and let it be. Maybe it is going to help me to be more grateful for things once they do come my way. I haven't quite figured out what the message is supposed to be.
Anyway, I will put the Law of Intention and Desire into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:
1. I will make a list of all of my desires. I will carry this list with me wherever I go. I will look at this list before I go into my silence and meditation (providing I do it that day.) I will look at before I go to sleep at night. I will look at it when I wake up in the morning.
2. I will release this list of desires and surrender it to the womb of creation (huh??) trusting that when things don't go my way, there is a reason (there better be a pretty freaking good reason for the last year, Universe!) and that the cosmic plan has designs for me much grander than those I have conceived.... Okay, so maybe the reason why none of this stuff is working is because I don't know that I believe it. I know that I have alluded to that before, but the cosmic plan...really?
3. I will remind myself to practice present moment awareness in all my actions. I will refuse to allow obstacles to consume and dissipate the quality of my attention in the present moment. i will accept the present as it is and manifest the future through my deepest, most cherished intentions and desires.
Okay, I'm off to make my list. Hope this works! Should probably get started on meditating again. I've been slacking big time people.
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15 years ago
I like the honesty in this post. I don't think any of us are where we thought we'd be as we stand at the edge of the cliff of our twenties and plunge into the next decade of life. And I think many of us feel absolutely battered by what all went down in our twenties. But we're still here, right?
ReplyDeleteThe only trouble I have with cosmic plans and lists of desire (again, this is only *my* trouble and not a critique) is that I feel like it excuses us for just sort of buoying out at sea, waiting to see whether a wave crashes over us or a speedboat cuts through and spins us in another direction. Oh, that wasn't your desire for that cruise ship to dump toxic waste all over you? Well, maybe it's just part of the Universe's plan.
I think we owe it to ourselves to not place ourselves in harm's way and to consider whether our desires are going to improve the world and subsequently improve ourselves (because doing good feels good, yes?). I took an inventory recently of my "bucket list" wishes and I realized that the ones that would really bring me joy with a capital J are the ones where I would know someone else would be made happier. I don't think I understood this when I was 22 and just wanted to drink a lot of martinis and see if I could make it home on the Orange Line....
Sorry to hijack your post and spew crackpot wisdom all over it. I hope your meditations are bringing you much peace and that the Universe still seems full of possibility for you :)
It's funny because I feel like I have been getting very different responses from people. Some people completely subscribe to this Law and feel like it has changed their lives and some people don't, which I suppose is what it is like for most things... I have to say that I agree with you though, I have a very hard time believing that if I just put my desires into the universe then I will get what I want--for so many reasons, not only because I feel like I have been dealt a crappy hand as of late, but mostly because I feel like there are so many people out there who have much bigger issues than I; What did they do to the Universe to have that happen to them? Regardless, at this point I sort of feel like I am willing to try anything in the hopes that something, anything will work to change things.
ReplyDeleteHi Joy!
ReplyDeleteI've talked with many people before and after their 30'th birthday and one theme I see is this: no one is where they expected to be at 30. Seriously, take a poll of your friends. Perhaps this is another American myth we grow up having ingrained into our brains. Anyone who is exactly where they expected at age 30 must have been very luck with lots of resources (and money) at their fingertips (I believe).
As for your post, I was having a similar conversation a while back. My question was: Is this me giving up, or am I accepting and letting go? It certainly seems like a fine line. Regardless, in my "giving up/accepting/letting go" I have found it liberating and it has given me the space to just "be". So just "be", it's ok to just "be" (that's something *I've* learned in all this mess). When you live the way you want, then you are at your most genuine to yourself and others - and that feels really good.
Rachel