Undoing

As I continue to try to keep all of these laws in the forefront of my brain, I can't help but think about all the things I have done in the past. I have not always been known for making good decisions, especially when it comes to relationships. I over think things, analyze stuff to death and then somehow end up in the same place I started. Stuck (or drunk and ridiculous, whichever comes first.) I end up hurting myself, hurting others and just feeling generally shitty about things all around. So I guess as I go through one failed "relationship" after another post Tony I can't help but wonder if it is karma coming back to bite me in the ass.

I have been thinking about this ever since I went to a Shaman last year who said something about my karma--- he didn't say it was bad, but I think he definitely implied that I needed to fix it up a bit (although this is also the guy who brought up Dave the Lawyer about 50 times and said that could work out... um... wrong on that one Shaman Lloyd!!) Anyway, so how do you undo what you've done in the past? Don't get me wrong, it's not like I've killed anyone or anything, but I definitely don't think that I've always been honest or always thought about the other person first. In fact, if I'm really being truthful, I think I am somewhat of an emotion based person, so that I don't always think about my actions or the consequences that may arise from these decisions beforehand... call me a girl, but that's just what I do. I guess the point is though, that that's not exactly how I would like to be going forward. So, the question remains, how do I get back to having a clean slate?

Maybe it's not possible, maybe I just have to try to make good choices from now on. I would like to think I try to be a nice person. Sure, when I am in a good mood, I tend to be a little more altruistic, but I mean in general as well. I mean I am a social worker for God's sake. It is my job to help people! Shouldn't that give me fantastic karma in itself? Apparently not. Or maybe the relationship karma is different from life karma. Who knows... All I know is that it's either me or karma that's screwing up my love life (or lack thereof.) I should do something about that.

**Now all of that being said, it's not like I am out hunting for a husband or anything....that would just be pathetic (not judging those of you who are...well, maybe a little...) But despite all of my feelings around Tony, what I have realized from what has been going on with New Hampshire Guy #2 is that I am finally ready to be in another relationship. Sure, it's super scary and I have definitely been seriously scarred by Tony, but I guess if you find someone you like enough then it's worth it right? (unless of course he doesn't feel like it's worth it, which seems to be in the process of happening with NH#2, and then it sucks and you are me. ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH) Grrr, Karma....**