When I started this project I had the intention of trying something new every month in order to figure out who I was without Tony. But I think my hidden intention was not that at all, it was more about figuring out how to be happy.
It's not working.
In fact I think that with all of my failed challenges I am setting my own trap for myself. I walked into this thinking, if I come up with a year of different challenges and blog about completing them, then I will enter 2011 feeling happy and accomplished, like I took control of my 2009 shitty life and tried to make it better. But in fact the exact opposite has happened. Aside from January, I have not completed any challenges. I have not lived intentionally or meditated or started eating better. My running has not been consistent and neither has my dog walking or flossing or even blogging. All of my behavior charts go unchecked acting as a reminder of how I have wasted my time doing what? I don't even know...facebook? tv? I mean we don't even have cable any more! What could I possibly be watching?! Where is my time going??? I honestly have no idea. Not only that, but I'm pretty sure I write about the same stuff every day: my weight, how I'm not happy or not completing anything or boys or Tony.... This stuff does not make up a whole year of blogging, or at least it shouldn't.
So for the month of May I don't know what I am doing. I have no official challenges... I am just here, trying not bore everyone by yammering on about random crap, trying to keep my head above water.
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15 years ago
Ah, Joy.
ReplyDeleteIf I may speculate: Based on your entry it looks like you gave yourself maybe too many goals. That's a lot to take on when you are trying to sort out feelings and deal with loss. I can't imagine you'd ask your clients to take on so much, why would you? Maybe you were trying to distract or cover or mask? I don't know, but one thing I do get the sense is that you are trying to force happiness. Unfortunately, we can't force this (or anything, really). I encourage you to try a cognitive shift - try not to use the word "fail" (it's an ugly and loaded word), but instead "tried". I.e: "I tried a new challenge every month" vs. "I failed a new challenge every month".
Because that's what you are, in fact, doing. By trying new things you'll find the ones that work and weed out the ones that don't. Perhaps, then, this will help you achieve finding out who you are and what makes you happy (and if that means hanging out on Facebook or writing about boys, that's OK!).