I've been struggling to think of what to do for the month of June. Since I abandoned my project last month, I've felt like I've needed to come back this month with something particularly challenging/interesting, but I haven't really been able to think of anything. There are only a few short days left before June is upon us so if anyone has any fantastic ideas, I would love to hear them.
In the meantime, I've been pretty busy devoting my time to thinking about the decorating the apartment we still haven't signed a lease for yet (nor have we found someone to take our apartment, mind you.) But despite my excitement being a little bit premature, I thought I would give you a little preview on some ideas for our currently not-so-cute kitchen.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
A Work in Progress.
The interesting thing about blogs is that you never know who is reading them. For me, starting this blog was initially a way of documenting the different challenges I was planning to take on over the course of this year. However as I kept writing, the blog seemed to develop a mind of it's own, weaving itself more into tales of self-discovery than of documentation. I suppose in a way that was what I was hoping to accomplish (you know finding myself and all,) but never once did I think I would ever be so revealing.
It's funny because I think for those who actually know me, they know that I have a really hard time talking about my feelings, so to write about some of the issues that have arisen for me in the last year is in fact quite out of character. Believe it or not, prior to starting this blog, I was not really one to be blabbing to the world about all of my crap. Apparently, this is no longer the case. Regardless, it seems that there was a bit of naivete in play here, because while I know there are people out there reading this, it really doesn't feel like there are. It feels like I am just posting out into nothingness...a nothingness that can be quite easily found with just the click of a few buttons.
Truth be told, I guess I hadn't actually thought too much about who could potentially be looking into my life or how much of it could be accessed on-line for that matter. I mean in many ways my blog is pretty self-indulgent at times...a little heavy on the "Jagged Little Pill" if you will. So although I assumed some of my friends to be reading, I don't know that I expected anyone else to be doing so...
My sudden concern around this issue arises mostly because I don't want to be giving the false impression that the topics (and by topics I mean Tony) I cover in this blog completely encompass who I am. Yes, breaking up with him was a very big deal for me and it shaped my life in many ways (see: baggage,) but this incident has not taken over, it does not define me. It is merely a part of my life that I am choosing to process publicly, in hopes that as the year goes on, I will continue filling my life with things that make up [just] me.
After all, everyone is a work in progress...and I am working on progressing.
It's funny because I think for those who actually know me, they know that I have a really hard time talking about my feelings, so to write about some of the issues that have arisen for me in the last year is in fact quite out of character. Believe it or not, prior to starting this blog, I was not really one to be blabbing to the world about all of my crap. Apparently, this is no longer the case. Regardless, it seems that there was a bit of naivete in play here, because while I know there are people out there reading this, it really doesn't feel like there are. It feels like I am just posting out into nothingness...a nothingness that can be quite easily found with just the click of a few buttons.
Truth be told, I guess I hadn't actually thought too much about who could potentially be looking into my life or how much of it could be accessed on-line for that matter. I mean in many ways my blog is pretty self-indulgent at times...a little heavy on the "Jagged Little Pill" if you will. So although I assumed some of my friends to be reading, I don't know that I expected anyone else to be doing so...
My sudden concern around this issue arises mostly because I don't want to be giving the false impression that the topics (and by topics I mean Tony) I cover in this blog completely encompass who I am. Yes, breaking up with him was a very big deal for me and it shaped my life in many ways (see: baggage,) but this incident has not taken over, it does not define me. It is merely a part of my life that I am choosing to process publicly, in hopes that as the year goes on, I will continue filling my life with things that make up [just] me.
After all, everyone is a work in progress...and I am working on progressing.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I'm In Love!
No it's not what you think... have you guys not been reading all of my lovely posts about how all the good ones move to New Hampshire? No, this is about my love for boxing. Yes, boxing. My friend and I went to a class the other day and the first half totally kicked my ass with a combination of weights, push ups (umm...I couldn't get past five and the dude counted to like 40 or something, I just about died) and some cardio stuff. However, the second half was all about punching. Man, do I love punching stuff. Who knew?? Perhaps it just adds fuel to my angry little fire, but it seems like mostly it's a good way for me to get some aggression out...no, I wasn't picturing anyone in particular, well at least not the whole time. Plus! It is now two days later and I still feel like I can't move. Seriously. I hurt. A lot. So I think I'm going back Saturday! There were these girls in the ring and they were just beating the shit out of each other. It was kind of inspiring and scary at the same time. So we'll see how far I get--maybe it's just the initial novelty of it, but I am pretty sure I sort of love it. Yay!
I tried to superimpose my face on this chick but I couldn't figure out how to do it :(
That would have been funny....are those outfits really what they wear when they box? Those are kind of funny too.
I tried to superimpose my face on this chick but I couldn't figure out how to do it :(
That would have been funny....are those outfits really what they wear when they box? Those are kind of funny too.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Sometimes You Just Have to Accept the Facts.
This past weekend I realized that I am officially old. For those of you who are thinking, "don't be dramatic, you're not old, 30s are the new 20s!" or something of the sort, trust me, you're wrong. Let me tell you why.
So I am down in Jersey visiting some family and while I am there, we make a trip out to Costco. Being that I don't have a Costco card, I was pretty excited. I mean where else can you buy a pound of goat cheese and a bag of mixed berries larger than my head?! Nowhere, I tell you, nowhere. Anyway, so while we are there, my cousin and I are talking and we come up with the fantastic idea to split a Costco membership (and let me first say we are waaay more excited than is probably necessary.) We go up to membership desk and ask to sign up. The woman at the desk tells me that we need to have the same address to share a card. Well being that my cousin lives in Brooklyn and I live in Boston, clearly that is not going to happen, but I sign up anyway, all the while scheming away with my cousin in Chinese about how we are going to get around this (seriously, it is so convenient to speak a different language sometimes.) First we decided that I could say that I "lost" my card and she could take it and I would get a new one (what? we're both Asian, the picture is fuzzy... we all look the same anyway, right?) Then we thought, well maybe that won't work; Maybe we should white-out my roommates name on the new lease we are signing and tell them that we are domestic partners and moving in together but she hasn't changed her license yet. That way she can get a card with her own name on it. But maybe that's too complicated... maybe we should...well, you get the point. We spent a good hour thinking of ways around this problem before I realized it. That it was official: we are old. I mean come on, we are basically trying to chalk our Costco card. Ten years ago, I was scheming with my friends about how to chalk my license so I could get into bars and now.... Costco?? Seriously?? I mean if that is not a new low, I have no idea what is.
So it's true everyone, 3 months shy of 30 and I am already there. Hell, the next thing you know my metabolism will come to a screeching halt and my eggs will start drying up...oh, wait...I'm kidding, (sort of.)**
**Okay, so that was being a little dramatic...
So I am down in Jersey visiting some family and while I am there, we make a trip out to Costco. Being that I don't have a Costco card, I was pretty excited. I mean where else can you buy a pound of goat cheese and a bag of mixed berries larger than my head?! Nowhere, I tell you, nowhere. Anyway, so while we are there, my cousin and I are talking and we come up with the fantastic idea to split a Costco membership (and let me first say we are waaay more excited than is probably necessary.) We go up to membership desk and ask to sign up. The woman at the desk tells me that we need to have the same address to share a card. Well being that my cousin lives in Brooklyn and I live in Boston, clearly that is not going to happen, but I sign up anyway, all the while scheming away with my cousin in Chinese about how we are going to get around this (seriously, it is so convenient to speak a different language sometimes.) First we decided that I could say that I "lost" my card and she could take it and I would get a new one (what? we're both Asian, the picture is fuzzy... we all look the same anyway, right?) Then we thought, well maybe that won't work; Maybe we should white-out my roommates name on the new lease we are signing and tell them that we are domestic partners and moving in together but she hasn't changed her license yet. That way she can get a card with her own name on it. But maybe that's too complicated... maybe we should...well, you get the point. We spent a good hour thinking of ways around this problem before I realized it. That it was official: we are old. I mean come on, we are basically trying to chalk our Costco card. Ten years ago, I was scheming with my friends about how to chalk my license so I could get into bars and now.... Costco?? Seriously?? I mean if that is not a new low, I have no idea what is.
So it's true everyone, 3 months shy of 30 and I am already there. Hell, the next thing you know my metabolism will come to a screeching halt and my eggs will start drying up...oh, wait...I'm kidding, (sort of.)**
**Okay, so that was being a little dramatic...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Letting Go
As of September I will have lived in my apartment for five years. It's the longest I have ever lived anywhere aside from the house I grew up in.
Out of those five years, four of them were spent building a life with Tony. Right now, he and his wife are in the process of having a baby....and I am in the process of letting go.
Kate and I are waiting patiently for my landlord to get back to us. We are hoping that he will let us get out of our lease early so that we can move into an apartment in a sweet location on the South End/Back Bay line. I have said many times that I would give my first born to live in the South End (Tuffy excluded.) And the opportunity is here, presenting itself before us, just waiting for us to take it. A place that is a decent price AND takes dogs?! These things don't happen every day....so why haven't we grabbed it??
Because the truth is we are not waiting for the landlord to get back to us. He has already called. I haven't told Kate, although I suppose I will before she ever reads this. I legitimately didn't hear the phone ring, but when I saw that he did, I didn't call back....not right away, and not later in the evening. Instead I cried. Pathetic, I know. I never used to be a crier, but apparently I am now.
In that moment panic had set in. The reality that I may be leaving this apartment forever-- this place that I had called my home for so long. It was the last little piece of Tony I had left and in a few short weeks it could be gone. Logically I know it's the right thing to do:
-I have always wanted to live in the South End/ Back Bay.
-It's a reasonable price.
-It takes dogs.
-It's on a quiet street.
-We can walk everywhere.
-Parking would be the same, if not better than Allston.
-We would live with people who most likely would not be puking in front of our door or smoking in the hallway or letting their cat run amok or putting up weird signs about vampires on the door... (yes, this is really the building I live in.)
-Most importantly, it's very much needed fresh start.
Have I convinced you (me!) yet??
I am terrified and incredibly sad. Those things are clear. However, the fact is, that to everything there comes an end...and for me, the end to this chapter comes now (yes, again for like the fiftieth time... I realize that.)
I have yet to feel like I have been presented with any of benefits that supposedly come when you make a difficult (but the right) decision, but maybe, just maybe, something good will come of this. Fingers crossed!!
How happy would the pups be here?? Only a 10 minute walk away!!
Out of those five years, four of them were spent building a life with Tony. Right now, he and his wife are in the process of having a baby....and I am in the process of letting go.
Kate and I are waiting patiently for my landlord to get back to us. We are hoping that he will let us get out of our lease early so that we can move into an apartment in a sweet location on the South End/Back Bay line. I have said many times that I would give my first born to live in the South End (Tuffy excluded.) And the opportunity is here, presenting itself before us, just waiting for us to take it. A place that is a decent price AND takes dogs?! These things don't happen every day....so why haven't we grabbed it??
Because the truth is we are not waiting for the landlord to get back to us. He has already called. I haven't told Kate, although I suppose I will before she ever reads this. I legitimately didn't hear the phone ring, but when I saw that he did, I didn't call back....not right away, and not later in the evening. Instead I cried. Pathetic, I know. I never used to be a crier, but apparently I am now.
In that moment panic had set in. The reality that I may be leaving this apartment forever-- this place that I had called my home for so long. It was the last little piece of Tony I had left and in a few short weeks it could be gone. Logically I know it's the right thing to do:
-I have always wanted to live in the South End/ Back Bay.
-It's a reasonable price.
-It takes dogs.
-It's on a quiet street.
-We can walk everywhere.
-Parking would be the same, if not better than Allston.
-We would live with people who most likely would not be puking in front of our door or smoking in the hallway or letting their cat run amok or putting up weird signs about vampires on the door... (yes, this is really the building I live in.)
-Most importantly, it's very much needed fresh start.
Have I convinced you (me!) yet??
I am terrified and incredibly sad. Those things are clear. However, the fact is, that to everything there comes an end...and for me, the end to this chapter comes now (yes, again for like the fiftieth time... I realize that.)
I have yet to feel like I have been presented with any of benefits that supposedly come when you make a difficult (but the right) decision, but maybe, just maybe, something good will come of this. Fingers crossed!!
How happy would the pups be here?? Only a 10 minute walk away!!
Monday, May 10, 2010
How Does Your Man Measure Up?
I was digging through some boxes of old stuff the other day when I came across a few journals that documented the traumatic years of my adolescence. As I flipped through page after page reading about whoever I loved or hated at the given time (most of whom ended up being the same few people... I love Aaron, I hate Aaron etc. etc.) I realized that many of the entries sound disturbingly similar to some of the conversations I've been having with my friends as of late. Apparently I have not evolved in the last 15 years and it turns out that I am a little boy crazy. Shocking, I know. Admittedly, it is not one of my best qualities, but i digress....
All this rifling and reminiscing (not even I could stand to read me yammering on about one guy or another) did lead to one glorious little discovery though: an entry that was written with my friend Katie, and dated April 21, 1997 when I was at the ripe old age of 16. No doubt thinking that we were so wise in the ways of boy, we created a list detailing all of the qualities the perfect guy would have. It was 125 items long. Yes, you read that right, one hundred and twenty five...and they say that women don't have high expectations...ha.
I really wanted to write them all but here is a sample of our ridiculousness, as well as some of my favorites which are highlighted:
HOT-- of course this was number one on the list, we were 16 after all...
could get into any school I want to go to or dream of going to
one earring
dimples
tan
ROMANTIC
Understanding (can listen to our obsessing)
sympathetic ("what did you say honey? I understand... you are mad they didn't have a small in black...)
generous (will offer to pay and push you out of the way so he can pay)
has never failed a grade
has a personality (hopefully good)
BODY...BODY...BODY
poetic (likes the late night love nest)
Hates sluts --we inserted a name here
owns at least one hat--what?! so weird...
Wegmans geeks need not apply --this was for Katie's benefit only
knows what you are thinking without saying anything--I think this may have been the most unrealistic thing on this list
ghetto car (sweet ride)
not a drug dealer-- we had very high priorities
at least one year older
has good hands--huh?? I don't even know why that would matter...
IS A WOMAN BECAUSE THEY ARE PERFECT (and can carry this mentality at all times)
is not psycho
tall
likes gum (and will buy it for you)
not hairy
can grow facial hair-- I love the fact that we wanted someone who isn't hairy and can grow facial hair. ha.
has a job
not fat
And my favoritest of them all:
can drive (after nine)
I'm not quite sure what I would have said to the 16 year old version of me had I known how my life was going to turn out--maybe just not to expect that much because you'll only be disappointed? That's awfully cynical I know, but I'm still waiting for someone to change my mind.
My list of "must haves" is currently at two:
1. will be nice to me.
2. won't move away.
All this rifling and reminiscing (not even I could stand to read me yammering on about one guy or another) did lead to one glorious little discovery though: an entry that was written with my friend Katie, and dated April 21, 1997 when I was at the ripe old age of 16. No doubt thinking that we were so wise in the ways of boy, we created a list detailing all of the qualities the perfect guy would have. It was 125 items long. Yes, you read that right, one hundred and twenty five...and they say that women don't have high expectations...ha.
I really wanted to write them all but here is a sample of our ridiculousness, as well as some of my favorites which are highlighted:
HOT-- of course this was number one on the list, we were 16 after all...
could get into any school I want to go to or dream of going to
one earring
dimples
tan
ROMANTIC
Understanding (can listen to our obsessing)
sympathetic ("what did you say honey? I understand... you are mad they didn't have a small in black...)
generous (will offer to pay and push you out of the way so he can pay)
has never failed a grade
has a personality (hopefully good)
BODY...BODY...BODY
poetic (likes the late night love nest)
Hates sluts --we inserted a name here
owns at least one hat--what?! so weird...
Wegmans geeks need not apply --this was for Katie's benefit only
knows what you are thinking without saying anything--I think this may have been the most unrealistic thing on this list
ghetto car (sweet ride)
not a drug dealer-- we had very high priorities
at least one year older
has good hands--huh?? I don't even know why that would matter...
IS A WOMAN BECAUSE THEY ARE PERFECT (and can carry this mentality at all times)
is not psycho
tall
likes gum (and will buy it for you)
not hairy
can grow facial hair-- I love the fact that we wanted someone who isn't hairy and can grow facial hair. ha.
has a job
not fat
And my favoritest of them all:
can drive (after nine)
I'm not quite sure what I would have said to the 16 year old version of me had I known how my life was going to turn out--maybe just not to expect that much because you'll only be disappointed? That's awfully cynical I know, but I'm still waiting for someone to change my mind.
My list of "must haves" is currently at two:
1. will be nice to me.
2. won't move away.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Trust Me, I'm a Therapist
Contrary to what this blog may suggest, I am not bipolar. I realize that sometimes I seem up and sometimes I seem down, but I am usually just trying to write about how I feel at any given moment, and trying to be honest. I recognize that I may seem a little crazy on occasion and that I most often write when I am feeling down, however, this is probably because I find writing to be somewhat cathartic. I promise you all that I am not about to jump off a bridge or anything, just in case you were wondering. I have too many friends out there who are mandated reporters anyway and would probably send me off somewhere before I could even blink.
Just wanted to put that out there.
Just wanted to put that out there.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The Month of May
When I started this project I had the intention of trying something new every month in order to figure out who I was without Tony. But I think my hidden intention was not that at all, it was more about figuring out how to be happy.
It's not working.
In fact I think that with all of my failed challenges I am setting my own trap for myself. I walked into this thinking, if I come up with a year of different challenges and blog about completing them, then I will enter 2011 feeling happy and accomplished, like I took control of my 2009 shitty life and tried to make it better. But in fact the exact opposite has happened. Aside from January, I have not completed any challenges. I have not lived intentionally or meditated or started eating better. My running has not been consistent and neither has my dog walking or flossing or even blogging. All of my behavior charts go unchecked acting as a reminder of how I have wasted my time doing what? I don't even know...facebook? tv? I mean we don't even have cable any more! What could I possibly be watching?! Where is my time going??? I honestly have no idea. Not only that, but I'm pretty sure I write about the same stuff every day: my weight, how I'm not happy or not completing anything or boys or Tony.... This stuff does not make up a whole year of blogging, or at least it shouldn't.
So for the month of May I don't know what I am doing. I have no official challenges... I am just here, trying not bore everyone by yammering on about random crap, trying to keep my head above water.
It's not working.
In fact I think that with all of my failed challenges I am setting my own trap for myself. I walked into this thinking, if I come up with a year of different challenges and blog about completing them, then I will enter 2011 feeling happy and accomplished, like I took control of my 2009 shitty life and tried to make it better. But in fact the exact opposite has happened. Aside from January, I have not completed any challenges. I have not lived intentionally or meditated or started eating better. My running has not been consistent and neither has my dog walking or flossing or even blogging. All of my behavior charts go unchecked acting as a reminder of how I have wasted my time doing what? I don't even know...facebook? tv? I mean we don't even have cable any more! What could I possibly be watching?! Where is my time going??? I honestly have no idea. Not only that, but I'm pretty sure I write about the same stuff every day: my weight, how I'm not happy or not completing anything or boys or Tony.... This stuff does not make up a whole year of blogging, or at least it shouldn't.
So for the month of May I don't know what I am doing. I have no official challenges... I am just here, trying not bore everyone by yammering on about random crap, trying to keep my head above water.
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