Insomnia

It's 4:30am and I haven't been able to sleep all night. Half awake, I'm aware that I'm grinding my teeth and flipping on my back and my side and my stomach. It's not that my bed is not comfortable. In fact, my sheets are soft and I can feel a little puppy head leaning against my foot. Biggie isn't supposed to be on my bed, but I generally make exceptions since I'm sleeping and can't feel him jump up anyway (or at least that's what I tell myself- the reality is, I'm too lazy to tell him to jump off, plus I kinda like it.)

Today marks exactly a week from which I am leaving. In fact, next Monday, I will probably be in the car on the way to the airport as of right this very moment. I haven't had a whole lot of time to think about my trip though. People keep asking if I am excited and whether or not I'm ready and the fact of the matter is that I am not. Things keep piling up on this side of the week-unnecessary meetings, and exciting interviews and goodbye dinners... While some of the things are good, and some are bad, every extra thing that I have to do feels like a thousand times the amount of the responsibility. I've learned a few things in the past few months though, as I've been packing in the hours trying to make money for this trip while trying to gain experience for this job that I'm interviewing for-- that as long as I have an end goal I can't pretty much make it through anything. There have definitely been a few moments, some time mid 12 hour day when I worked 12 hours the day before and was working on about 4 hours of sleep because I got called in during the overnight shift that I genuinely thought that I was going to totally lose it. I was going to just start crying and not be able to stop. But somehow, I have made it through. I have one week left. One week that is filled with paperwork, and packing, and prepping for this interview (no easy feat) and baking cookies and quiches (for Katie's bridal shower) and doing laundry, and driving home five hours Upstate only to drive back to Boston to leave the next day for New Jersey, trying to remember all the little things i have to do before I leave... I know it sounds like I am bitching. I know that I did this all to myself. I know that it will all be worth it when I am laying on a beach in Thailand. But there is a part of me that is scared; I am scared that I won't make it through this week and of this crazy trip that I am taking, and the fact that I won't have a job when I get back, and maybe I won't meet people or make any friends and my stuff will get lost, or I will have forgotten to bring something, or something will happen to me. Most of all, I'm scared that I'll be alone for six weeks and that I'll be missing events here in Boston--bbqs on Memorial day, concerts at the Hatch shell, walking through the public garden which is so very beautiful this time of year, drinking beers on a patio (my very favorite thing to do come summer time.) I guess it's just hard to see what's ahead of me right now, even though that is what has been pushing me through these last eight weeks of hell.

I am going to try to go back to bed now and get at least one hour of sleep, I have a long week ahead. Only a few more days left...