12 Months to Joy

A Moment in the Sun.

2011-06-15T23:22:00.000-07:00

Like the spiders that hang from the ceiling of my guest house, I swing back and forth in the air, trying to relax as I hang from the rope that is keeping me from falling 60 feet to the rocks below. I manuever myself to avoid banging into the tree that grows from the side of the mountain. It is my first attempt at rock climbing and I am going to get to the top if it kills me. This is what I am thinking at that very moment. Because after attempt number four to swing my leg to the next notch available, I am starting to get frustrated. My new friends below have already shimmied up a couple of different rock faces and here I am, swinging in the air, having fallen. Again. The sun is hot and the rocks feel like they are melting my fingertips. Only ten more feet and I'll hit the ring that signifies my success. Sweaty sunscreen trickles down my face, stinging my eyes. I am going to do this if it fucking kills me. The thoughts of anger and frustration run through my mind. Tapes that had started to feel unfamiliar come back more easily than I would like them to, creating cobwebs in my brain. I am tangled, trying to fight through to the positivity that seems to be winning over these days. With another curse under my breath, I gather up every ounce of strength and grip on to the small slippery ledge I have available to me. I heave my leg up and it catches. Oh my God! I did it! I am up to the top in a few short motions. I bounce off the side of the mountain as I work my way down. I think to myself, with a bit of self- satisfaction, It's about time I left the web weaving to the experts...

The North

2011-06-07T06:07:00.000-07:00

Since my last entry, I've explored Chiang Mai where I went to a cooking class, learned how to make curry paste, pad thai, tum yum goong, and most importantly mango with sticky rice (get excited friends!)

I went to a jazz club with a friend of a friend the next night, listened to some incredible music and was surrounded by people who filled the room with the most contagious positive energy. I smiled so much my face hurt by the end of the night.
I then moved on to Pai for a couple of days-- definitely NOT enough time in case you were wondering-- and met a couple of people with whom I shared some great conversation(a rarity in travel companions.) We spent our days riding through Northern Thailand on motorbikes, watching the countryside pass by as we rode our way up to the Coffin Caves in Supong. Up until that point, I had never seen scenery so beautiful... Hugging the curves of mountain after mountain, we prayed for large rickety trucks filled with people to avoid hitting us as they flew past. I went solo to the waterfalls, trying to beat the setting of the sun. I watched it sink behind the huge fluffy clouds that looked almost cartoonish while people on the side of the road called out offering opium. You know, just in case I was interested... (for the record, I was not.) When I finally reached the waterfalls though, the fear of being stuck on a motorbike I wasn't super familiar with riding, particularly on a dirt road in the dark, dissapated. I jumped in the waterfall and swam around, the water cold, but envigorating.

I was sad to leave Pai, but Chiang Mai beckoned with the prospects of meeting my friend and finally staying in a hotel that didn't have blood stains and gecko poo on the bed. Who knew that my standards had dropped so significantly?? Toilet paper AND soap?? SIGN ME UP! We spent our time wandering around the city, exploring temples,

pushing our way through crowds and trying out random but delicious street foods. Taking chances with some interesting chip flavors (teriakyi chicken and sweet basil anyone?) and Archa, the PBR of Thai beers, we escaped the frequent downpours and watched some questionable (at best) Thai TV.

Saying our goodbyes at the end of the weekend as I moved on to Ko Phi Phi and he to Laos felt bittersweet as it often does with many of the people I have met along the way, but I suppose that is a post for another time. This has already gotten pretty long and my Internet time is running up. Until next time...

A Little Lonely...

2011-05-29T18:41:00.000-07:00

The one thing I had really been nervous about prior to leaving for this trip was being by myself. Because being by myself would ultimately fuel a sense of loneliness, a feeling that I have never particularly been comfortable with. Thankfully though, since being in Thailand, there have been very few moments where loneliness has hit, but it is happening right now, as I am riding on the overnight bus to Chiang Mai, writing only by the light of my cell phone. After a couple of pretty spectacular days in Bangkok with friends, new and old (although I suppose in this case, "old" is somewhat relative) the feeling of being by myself is overwhelming and a little sad. I have a hard time not imagining them having experiences that I will not be a part of. I know that as I continue on my travels, I will also continue to meet new people and new friends. To me, these connections are what makes traveling such a transformative experience. In a way, it makes the world feel like a smaller place, and causes you to wonder how and why certain people come into your life. Take my friend Jon for example. During this trip, I've thought to myself on a number of occasions, that had I never met him in the first place, I may never have come on this trip. So did he come into my life for that reason? To help me feel compelled enough to leave my job and go to Thailand? Perhaps. Even if not, I am grateful for his presence, for helping me to not feel so alone on this trip and introducing me to his friends, who I think have done a great job of including me despite their prior close connections. And so we come full circle, back to this sense of loneliness that has subsided a bit in writing this post. Because I know that even as I sit here on the bus, in the dark, that not only are there are people out there who know me and love me, but also so many people I have yet to meet...

New Friends!

And Some Old...

The Most Perfect Day

2011-05-25T23:56:00.000-07:00

Alex, Jon and I rented motorbikes this morning so that we could get to Erawan Falls, a national park about an hour outside of Kanchanaburi. Riding on the back of Jon's bike, we passed jagged hills covered in green as we followed the River Kwai. We arrived at Erawan Falls and hiked up a series of 7 different falls, all of which you could swim in. The "fierce monkeys" swung above our heads and the tiny fish nipped our feet in the clear water below, but as we swam through the cave, all I could think of was how I could possibly put this amazing experience into words. We continued our hike to the top and all we could hear were thousands of beetles sounding like a collective group of deafening chainsaws and the ominous sound of thunder in the distance. Throughout it all though beauty surrounded us-- huge twisting vines coiled up on the ground and swinging from the massive trees, hidden waterfalls around every corner and butterflies in bright yellows and oranges fluttering silently throughout the jungle.

Heading back down our stomachs growled, but the threat of rain hung in the air so we quickened our pace and made out way back to the motorbikes.

On our ride back to Kanchanaburi, the rain hit. We had been planning on checking out the Bridge at the River Kwai at sunset but given the weather, it looked that that was not going to happen. Like millions of tiny pin pricks pelting every inch of exposed skin, I clutched on to Jon's waist in the hopes that we would not skid out and get a "Thai tattoo." Somehow though, despite the misery of being wet and freezing, flying through the Thai countryside in the rain was amazing. Sure, I could barely see through my sunglasses that were covered in water and most likely a dead bug or two, but the air smelled like a mix of grilled meat, fruit trees and firewood, and I felt alive... It wasn't until Alex rode up next to us though and shouted "Fuck the Bridge!" that I realized how tense I had been since the rain had started. She was stating the obvious and sitting at the stoplight, we laughed, almost deliriously, at the insanity of the last 45 minutes. We eventually made it back and rewarded ourselves with the spiciest bowl of noodle soup and a few more laughs at our own expense.

Quitting my job and going to Thailand= The BEST decision I've ever made.

So Far...

2011-05-23T05:42:00.000-07:00

I write this as I am laying in a hammock listening to the birds sing overhead. After a bumpy three hour trek to Kanchanaburi, laying here and feeling the warm air tangling my hair feels worth it. So much of this trip has been spent on cramped minibuses, only to be rewarded by amazing food and relaxation. It's such a welcome change to how I was feeling a little more than a week ago. Part of me doesn't even know what to do with myself though. I recognize the importance of being in the moment and appreciating this time I have, but the other part of me can't help but feel the familiar feeling of panic. Panic that I won't get to the beaches in the South or be able to experience Chiang Mai the way that I want to. I continue to tell myself that I know that's not true, but I can't help but wonder why I continuously live in this state of being. I mean, would it kill me to just lay here and take in the fact that I am Thailand?? I mean I'm in Thailand for God's sake. I am not working, I'm eating some of the most incredible food I've ever had (super spicy noodles at 2am?! Yes!), I'm drinking coconut water out of their shells on the beach while the waves are lapping at my feet and all I can think of is how I may not get to everything that I want to see. I haven't even gotten to see Bangkok yet. But you know what, I am going to try my best not to worry about it. Overall, I hope that what I can learn from this trip is how to relax and enjoy living in the moment. We'll see how I do but I'm off to go try. Dinner at the Night Market? Yum.

Just a Note

2011-05-19T20:24:00.001-07:00

For those of you who are following my travels-- thanks!! I just wanted to let you know that pics will hopefully be coming soon, although I'm not entirely sure how I am going to upload them quite yet, as I didn't bring a computer... I'll figure that out in time though. Keep checking back for updates!

A 13 Hour Flight Isn't So Bad...

2011-05-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

unless you happen to be seated next to a Christian Baptist minister who wants to convert you...then a 13 hour trip is actually quite long. Especially if he gives you a pamphlet telling you that you should believe in Jesus Christ. After all, don't you want to go to heaven?! Good thing he laid off after about 10 minutes, cause it would have sucked if I happened to drink a lot of water and had to pee every hour on the hour...but I suppose that wouldn't have been very Christian of me...

Anyway, the following are thoughts from the plane:
The flight map, which is conveniently all in Japanese, shows me that we have almost reached Alaska, which means that we are about halfway through the flight. It is 4am in Bangkok, so I feel like I should probably be sleeping, but given the accommodations and the fact that I am pretty much curled up in the fetal position, I've been doing okay with actually being able to sleep. I'm glad I didn't opt for the aisle though, sleeping against a window is so much comfier...
Anyway, over the last six hours I've done the following:
--watched the movie "No Strings Attached" with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman, which was surprisingly funny and pretty good.
--eaten a bagel (note to self, do not take malaria meds on an empty stomach--Feeling like you are going to vomit pre 13 hour flight,NOT cool) a granola bar, and soggy french toast that was not easily salvaged by a vat of maple syrup.
--contorted my body into odd shapes in an attempt to get in a "comfortable" position.
--watched an episode of 30 Rock that I've already seen.
--listened to "pop" music courtesy of American Airlines that made my ears bleed just a little... perhaps that's why I was doing the NY Times crossword and after staring at it for 10 minutes, I could only get one!! (where are you when I need you Sam?!) Seriously though, it was so hard...
Well, I am off to play a rousing game of Tetris. Hope this gets me through the next seven hours...

Okay, I'm back. Tetris did not get me through seven hours-- Christian dude is playing Tetris next to me, and man does he suck. I almost feel bad for him, he's on level zero and he's gotten a high score of 664. I mean it's sad, really. Anyway, moving on to more important things--we got a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch, not too shabby--not picking the Japanese meal though? Bad idea. They got a choice of udon noodles or teriakyi chicken with rice. Also, I imagine I will see a lot of interesting things on my trip, but there is a dude sitting on the laps of the two guys in front of me. I am not mentioning this because it is guys on guys, more so because I can't imagine anyone sitting on top of me when there is about a foot and a half of space between me and the seat in front of me. I am getting uncomfortable just looking at them...

So the second half of my trip to Bangkok was far better--I slept for a good chunk of it, and I met a new friend! I think we are even going to meet up in Chiang Mai-- he is a documentary film maker and is doing volunteer work there for a few months. So cool...

Well, I'm off! I'll update more once I eat some delicious food :)

Changes?

2011-05-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

It’s been a crazy week, but somehow I managed to make it through. The interview is over and I think I did okay. However, the job is in Ithaca... New York... Oh, did I not mention that yet? Yup. And the position is at Cornell, the college my mom used to drag me to every time she thought I needed a little motivation to do a little better in school or needed a place to show to her friends--"look everyone, we live near an Ivy League school, isn't it just so exciting?! I just hope that Joy goes there someday... oh no, I'm not picky, I'll take Princeton too." Okay, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but that's pretty much how I interpreted what she was saying. Anyway, now that I'm a little older though, I suppose I can at least give her the fact that Ithaca is also a very pretty town. It's a town though, and a small one at that, so needless to day, I’m not quite sure how I feel about it yet.

As I was walking through the sprawling campus with its redbud trees blooming with thousands of tiny purple flowers (no, I have no idea why the tree is called redbud either-- I think it's a conundrum that Cornell likes to pose to all of us silly common folk. I'm guessing the buds of the tree are red??) and looking out into the scenery, I seriously contemplated whether or not I could live there. It was beautiful right now, with a smattering of delicate purple petals floating through the air, but what about when those petals turn to snow and it's piercing your face like a million little icicles. Would I still like Ithaca then? When I am sitting alone in my apartment because I have no friends and only my pups and my computer to entertain me, am I going to be cursing the fact that I took this job to begin with? Okay, I know, I know. I am getting waaay ahead of myself. I haven't even gotten the job yet. My interview seat is probably still warm....perhaps it's a little too early to be worrying about all of this. But I'm starting to wonder if I should have even opened this door for myself in the first place, especially if I feel compelled to take it. It would be like my dream job... I get to work with Asians and in Higher Ed? For only 10 months a year? I mean I don't know that I can really think of anything better right now, well except if the job were in Boston or NYC (this is not what I meant when I wanted a job in New York, if you couldn't tell.) Anyway, I guess I can't sit around and worry about this, especially since I haven't even started packing yet, and I'm leaving in two days. So until I get that offer letter in the mail I guess all I can do is focus on Thailand, focus on Thailand, focus on Thailand....

Ithaca is Gorges...

Insomnia

2011-05-09T01:44:00.001-07:00

It's 4:30am and I haven't been able to sleep all night. Half awake, I'm aware that I'm grinding my teeth and flipping on my back and my side and my stomach. It's not that my bed is not comfortable. In fact, my sheets are soft and I can feel a little puppy head leaning against my foot. Biggie isn't supposed to be on my bed, but I generally make exceptions since I'm sleeping and can't feel him jump up anyway (or at least that's what I tell myself- the reality is, I'm too lazy to tell him to jump off, plus I kinda like it.)

Today marks exactly a week from which I am leaving. In fact, next Monday, I will probably be in the car on the way to the airport as of right this very moment. I haven't had a whole lot of time to think about my trip though. People keep asking if I am excited and whether or not I'm ready and the fact of the matter is that I am not. Things keep piling up on this side of the week-unnecessary meetings, and exciting interviews and goodbye dinners... While some of the things are good, and some are bad, every extra thing that I have to do feels like a thousand times the amount of the responsibility. I've learned a few things in the past few months though, as I've been packing in the hours trying to make money for this trip while trying to gain experience for this job that I'm interviewing for-- that as long as I have an end goal I can't pretty much make it through anything. There have definitely been a few moments, some time mid 12 hour day when I worked 12 hours the day before and was working on about 4 hours of sleep because I got called in during the overnight shift that I genuinely thought that I was going to totally lose it. I was going to just start crying and not be able to stop. But somehow, I have made it through. I have one week left. One week that is filled with paperwork, and packing, and prepping for this interview (no easy feat) and baking cookies and quiches (for Katie's bridal shower) and doing laundry, and driving home five hours Upstate only to drive back to Boston to leave the next day for New Jersey, trying to remember all the little things i have to do before I leave... I know it sounds like I am bitching. I know that I did this all to myself. I know that it will all be worth it when I am laying on a beach in Thailand. But there is a part of me that is scared; I am scared that I won't make it through this week and of this crazy trip that I am taking, and the fact that I won't have a job when I get back, and maybe I won't meet people or make any friends and my stuff will get lost, or I will have forgotten to bring something, or something will happen to me. Most of all, I'm scared that I'll be alone for six weeks and that I'll be missing events here in Boston--bbqs on Memorial day, concerts at the Hatch shell, walking through the public garden which is so very beautiful this time of year, drinking beers on a patio (my very favorite thing to do come summer time.) I guess it's just hard to see what's ahead of me right now, even though that is what has been pushing me through these last eight weeks of hell.

I am going to try to go back to bed now and get at least one hour of sleep, I have a long week ahead. Only a few more days left...

18 days

2011-04-28T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today marks 18 days until I leave for Thailand and truthfully I am starting to freak out a bit. Not because I feel like I made a bad decision, but mostly because of all the things I have to do before I leave. My ability to empathize with friends who have been in similar scenarios is growing greater by the day. But I won't bore you with all the details of having to do paperwork and tie up loose ends. Instead, I will torture you (and myself for having to wait another month until I am able to indulge in this) with this video of Anthony Bourdain eating Banh Mi in Vietnam. Doesn't this look amazing??

And with the fried egg on top? I mean who doesn't love a good fried egg???

Soon Banh Mi, I will have you...

A Fresh Start?

2011-04-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been debating whether or not I want to keep this blog going during my trip to Southeast Asia or start a new one. On the one hand, anyone who wants to read my blog can read it...obviously, since it's hanging out there on the Internet and what not. On the other hand, do I want to be advertising it? Clearly my concern is mostly around the stuff I wrote last year. I mean sure I have been about as open as I can be about Tony and our breakup but do I want everyone who is reading my blog for the traveling piece of things to know about those feelings? I'm not quite sure. I'm guessing though that with everything else that is going on in my life at this very moment between wrapping things up at work and prepping for my trip, that when it comes right down to it, I will end up keeping this blog going out of sheer laziness. I will say though that at the very least this blog is evidence of how far I've come in the last couple of years (can you believe it's been that long?? It sure doesn't feel like it!!) And while there is something to be said for a fresh start, I know I've definitely come a long way in that time and maybe it's nice to have evidence of that transition....Pretty sure that this time last year I would not even have begun to consider actually going on a trip like this-- it's one of those things you talk about but never actually do, you know? But why not? What's stopping you? For me, it was an insecurity that I could do it, financially, job wise, logistics wise. But things have shifted, I've worked my ass off and as far as I'm concerned now, I totally deserve it. So exactly one month from today, off to Thailand I go!

My Own Personal Cheering Squad

2011-04-05T04:39:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest, when I made the decision to quit my job and go to Southeast Asia for 6 weeks, I anticipated a primarily negative response--something along the lines of how irresponsible that was going to be, how bad the economy is to leave my job at a time like this, and how dangerous it's going to be to go by myself, etc., etc. Perhaps it was my own insecurities playing out or perhaps I just didn't have a lot of faith in my friends and family (sorry guys!) but in my unavoidably negative state of mind, I assumed that most people would think that my decision was just plain ridiculous. However, in the last month, since officially putting in my resignation and announcing my plans to the world, I have gotten nothing but an outpouring of support and excitement on my behalf. The offers of advice around traveling to Thailand and Cambodia and Vietnam have been abundant and people I barely know have been beyond generous with their time and information. I can only hope that the response I have been getting will be representative of my experience to come.

Truthfully though, I feel as if I have never known people to be so kind as they have been in recent weeks. It's as if I have a whole new view of people in general. In reality I know that's not true, as I have had many people be kind to me over the years, but I think I may be in a different place these days--in a place where I feel that I can accept peoples' kindness, and maybe even deserve it. I can't pinpoint what has changed, all I can say is that I know something has. It's as if I have suddenly passed over into a new place in life. I've even gotten feedback that I seem "different..." and not in a bad way! So I'm gonna go with it and I'm gonna bring this new and "different" me to Southeast Asia with me. Anyway, for those of you who have been showing your never-ending support, thank you and stick around for new adventures to come in just a few short weeks! Eek!! (Yay!)

Mexico Continued

2011-03-28T06:44:00.000-07:00

More highlights from Mexico!

We celebrated St. Patty's Day the way we imagine the locals would:

We ate some delicious tacos with a sauce that deceivingly looked liked avocados, only to slather it on and realize that it caused a small firestorm in your mouth:

We went for a bike ride through the Mexican countryside:

We saw some amazing ruins:

In general, we just had an amazing time. The perfect mix of adventure, relaxation, good food and great friends! To sum it all up? This is pretty much how we felt the whole time:

VIVA MEXICO!

The Best _______ Ever

2011-03-24T18:29:00.000-07:00

My roommate Kate always makes fun of me for saying that things are the "best ever!" So I've now been limited to making such narrow statements as,"that was the best turkey and cheddar sandwich with granny smith apples I've ever had!" instead of "that was the best sandwich I've ever had" because in fact that may not have been the best sandwich I've ever had... especially since I probably just stated that I had the best sandwich ever the previous week. Anyway, after that lovely run-on sentence, I'm assuming you get the picture.

So as you know, last week I was in Mexico with my friend Leslie. We found an amazing deal on LivingSocial.com for a resort in the jungle and somewhat spontaneously, off we went to the backwoods of Mexico (you know, if Chetumal was the deep South.) FIve short hours after we landed in Cancun, we arrived with our rental car at the resort and proceeded to have the best Mexican vacation ever at the Explorean Kohunlich!

As I mentioned in a previous post, I had been concerned about the drive down to the resort, but it was totally fine. The only issue was came across were these pesky road bumps. Actually the road bumps were quite big and the sign to indicate them. Well... let's just say they looked less like a bump in the road and more like this:

So we started our trek down the the Explorean with a bang. Literally. Leslie went flying over one of those bumps and I'm pretty sure the front of the car was not happy with us. Thankfully the rental car company was less than precise in checking the car when we returned it. Needless to say, the rest of the trip consisted of me shouting "boobs!!" every time I saw that sign. You know, as an indication to slow down-- not because we are 12 year old boys and cracked up every time it happened.

After we finally got there though, nothing mattered, because we were at a place like this:

The next day we headed out on our first excursion, kayaking and swimming in a lagoon:

And every morning we were greeted by hot coffee, fresh orange juice and a small delicious house-made pastry of some sort. We were also greeted with one little random animal after another all searching for some crumbs:

Most importantly we met some amazing people! You know how I was worried that I wouldn't meet people during my trek through Southeast Asia? Well I am totally not worried about that anymore. We met some of the most awesome people on our trip to Mexico, that I'm pretty sure Thailand is going to be twice as awesome. They absolutely made the trip about ten times better than it would have been otherwise. We even met a couple from Boston and a guy who is going to be in Thailand the same time I am!

Our Family Portrait:

So, yes, it was the best Mexican vacation ever. Maybe not the best vacation I will ever have in my life ever, but for now, it's right up there. I'm guessing my trip to Southeast Asia will trump this trip about a thousand times over, but that is not a vacation, it is a life adventure and remains to be seen. Stay tuned...

Mexico, Here I Come!

2011-03-13T07:46:00.000-07:00

As I may have mentioned in posts past, I have been working a lot lately. And by a lot, I mean like 60 something hrs a week, which pretty much makes me want to lose my mind. I keep telling myself that there is an end to the insanity, and quite a fabulous end at that (um, hello, Thailand!!!) Anyway, to keep my sanity in the meantime, my friend Leslie and I are heading to Mexico next Wednesday. We are staying at a resort in Chetumal which is a five hour drive away from Cancun. We are renting a car and driving down the coast, which I'm hoping is going to be safe. I'll be honest, the thought of getting car jacked or kidnapped is not appealing to me, but I suppose if we just don't stop along the way we'll be fine (note to self: do not drink anything before getting in the car.) Either way, I'm sure the end result will be well worth it:

My New Life Plan, Part One.

2011-03-05T16:33:00.000-08:00

I have a new life plan! My new life plan is that I am going to Southeast Asia for 6 weeks in June and then in September I'm moving to NYC. Okay, well maybe I'm moving to New York. It's all still a bit in the air. RIght now, I'm just trying hard to focus on the first part. It's amazing how many details need to be worked out when you decide to take a trip across the world. VIsas and dog sitters, and subletters, and what the hell I'm going to do about my job... Yeah, I haven't quite figured that out yet. However at this point I'm prepared to quit. I'd prefer not to, but sometimes it feels like it's my only option. Anyway, enough about that-- back to the fun stuff!! So Southeast Asia! This means I'm going to start in Thailand, move through Cambodia and leave from Vietnam. And can I be perfectly honest? Aside from all of the amazing and beautiful things I imagine I'm going to see there, the thing I am most excited about right now is the food. Are you surprised? You shouldn't be. Other than eating a lot though, I've got nothing. So far my plan is to purchase a ticket to Bangkok and book a hotel for the first night to sleep off the jet lag. After that, well, I'll be flyin' by the seat of my pants. It's exciting for sure, but also a bit nerve-wracking. The thought of being alone for all that time is not all that appealing to me as I am not really one who likes to be alone with my thoughts. In fact I prefer to avoid them. I recognize the irony in this being a social worker but it's true. I'm sure I will meet people along the way, but being by myself will certainly be interesting... Although I suppose as long as I'm here, I think I'll be okay:

Shift.

2011-02-27T23:36:00.000-08:00

I have been to New York City about a million times in my life. Okay, maybe not a million, but definitely quite a few. When I was little I used to go there with my mom for weekend trips regularly. Needless to say, I got to know Chinatown pretty well. As I got older, I was able to convince her to go to Manhattan on a couple of occasions, but the trips got more infrequent until at some point they just stopped. These days I've reduced my visits to a handful of times a year despite having more than a few friends living there. Pretty much every time I go though, I think to myself, why don't I live here?? And every time, I had a reason: I'm settled in Boston, I'm too scared to start somewhere else, my career and my connections are in Boston. I even thought that having a hairstylist that I liked in Boston was a good enough reason to stay!

However, when I went to New York this weekend with my friend Erika, I had a bit of a transformative experience. Looking back, I'm not entirely sure when it happened, but somewhere between Friday Night Live, the live demonstration of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy at the Albert Ellis Institute and being out in the Village until 5am meeting a bunch of random new people, I had a realization: I am doing okay. Yes, I realize it's not incredibly profound, but it means something. It means that for the first time in many, many, many years, perhaps even my entire lifetime, that I have felt like I am in a good place. Sure I am busting my ass and working a million hours a day, but it feels like I am getting somewhere, like I am working towards a goal and feeling pretty good about it. And yes, the dating process is a complete pain in the ass, but suddenly for some reason, I don't know that I care anymore. I'm not completely in denial. I can recognize that I'd like a relationship at some point, but I think I may have stopped obsessing about boys (for the time being.) What it comes down to though is that I have wonderful friends and a career that I like. I have fun when I'm not working, and I have two amazingly sweet and funny pups that still manage to love me unconditionally even though I don't take them for long enough walks. I live in a great city in an amazing location with a fantastic roommate and I'm in a good place financially. And if there is one thing that I have figured out in the last year and a half, it's that I'm a strong and capable and resilient person who has been through some really shitty stuff, but has managed to make it through somehow. For those of you out there who know me, I'm guessing you think that I have totally lost my mind. And for those of you who don't, I imagine you're thinking I sound awfully obnoxious right now, but believe me, it's taken me a hell of a long time to get here and I'm still not %100 sure about it all.

So basically the long-winded version of what I'm saying is that my reasons for staying in Boston now feel completely invalid but I now know I wasn't ready back then. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was a feeling of being stuck, but whatever it was, I think a shift may be in the process of occurring. Perhaps my time is done in Boston and I'm ready to move on. If I stay or go is yet to be seen (and largely dependent on whether or not I find a job out there) but I'm officially open to whatever comes my way...

Me and Erika at the beginning of the night at the Brooklyneer:

Me and our new friends at the end of the night at a random but delicious falafel stand:
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Swanking It Up

2011-02-21T04:25:00.000-08:00

I have recently lost the inability to sleep. I'm not exactly sure why but I think the fact that I have been totally overloading myself with work has definitely contributed to it. It's not like I am laying there with my mind racing, it's somewhere a little closer to feeling like I can't breathe. Okay, maybe I am confusing that with my cold, but it's what I'm feeling right now, at 7:15 am on a Monday. Being up this early on a Monday is not abnormal for me, it's just that today is supposed to be a holiday, when I'm supposed to be relaxing and not thinking about work.

You know, I've never been like this before. I've never been someone who hasn't been able to leave my work at work, but apparently now, I'm someone who is worrying about how to get everything done in the time that I have to do it. Does that even make sense? I don't know anymore. What I do know is that part of my job is to push "self care" down my clients' throats, mostly because they forget to do it, or have so much going on in their crazy lives that they don't have time.

Unfortunately, I haven't exactly been practicing what I preach.

So in an effort to start, I bought a month long package (off of RueLaLa--awesome!!) at this amazing gym/spa by my apartment. And for the first time in about 6 months, I finally went back to working out. Disgusting, I know. Trust me I've felt pretty gross myself. But I'm turning things around, getting back to me, and I'm doing it here:

Pretty fancy right? I know, I am excited-- just in time for Mexico, 25 days and counting!

Dating Rocks!

2011-02-20T12:59:00.000-08:00

I have been on an awful lot of dates lately, mostly boring, but some crazy. My friend Erika and I also found this fantastic movie making website. Put the two together and what do you have? An awesome movie of one of my crazy dates. Enjoy!

On Being Sick...and Soup.

2011-02-18T18:34:00.000-08:00

So far 2011 can be summed up in a few short words: work, bad dates, work, mediocre dates, work and oh, a little more work. No need to take pity on me though, I have definitely brought it all upon myself-- partially because I like to keep busy for a variety of reasons and partially because I have been feeling the need to "put myself out there." Not exactly sure why, but as the new year rolled around I thought to myself, I need to meet more people. And so I did. I met so many people and went on so many dates that I am now officially burnt out.

I realized it on Valentine's Day when I started to get that tickle in the back of my throat. It was coming and I didn't know how to stop it. You guessed it, a cold, a full on head cold of mammoth proportions, one that started on Valentine's Day and has not let up since. The significance of Valentine's Day is really non-existant, aside from the fact that it is a day that represents love and the one person I have been forgetting to love this year is myself. A bit ironic isn't it? Since last year was the "Year of Joy?" Apparently, this year has started off being the year of everything/everyone but Joy. So I'm starting over. I'm abandoning on-line dating and I'm going to try to get back to myself. Starting with... feeling better. I am making myself this soup tomorrow and it is going to be yummy.

Avgolemono
adapted from a recipe by Cat Cora
1 (3 pound) free range chicken
2 quarts water
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 onion, finely diced
2 bay leaves
1 leek, cleaned and quartered
1 carrot, peeled and quartered
2/3 cup aborio rice
3 large eggs
1/2 cup fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon salt
1 teaspoon ground pepper

Directions
Place the chicken in a large pot with 2 quarts cold water, enough to cover the chicken. Bring to a boil and reduce heat to low, skimming when necessary.

In a separate pan, heat 2 tablespoons of olive oil and add the onions. Sweat the onions until clear. Set aside.

When chicken is cooked through, remove from the broth. Let the chicken cool and pull the meat from the bones. Dice into large cubes. Set aside.

Add the onion, bay leaves, leek, and carrot to the broth and simmer for 1 hour. When finished, remove the carrot and leek from the broth and add the rice. Bring to a boil and then turn heat to medium high to simmer until the rice is cooked to al dente, about 30 minutes. Add the chicken back into the broth. Add more water if needed.

In a small bowl beat the eggs and lemon juice together. Pour 2 cups of broth slowly into the bowl of egg and lemon, whisking continuously. Once all the broth is incorporated, add the mixture into the pot of chicken soup and stir to blend well throughout. Season with salt and pepper. Serve hot.

This image was stolen from someone else's blog. I chose it because it looks very similar to my soup and I used the same pot (except mine was blue)

The Year of Joy is Over

2011-01-01T06:43:00.000-08:00

The Year of Joy has come to an end. And what a pretty good year it was... So good that I apparently forgot to keep blogging. Sorry about that everyone! At some point though I did feel as if I was writing about the same things over and over again. That despite all the good things that were happening, I managed to remain focused on the negative (so much for that resolution. Ha.) So in an effort to put 2010 in perspective, I stole this questionnaire from my friend Kendra (please keep in mind I can barely remember past December, so I may be missing stuff from the rest of the year-give or take a month):

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
A keg stand!
Bought a song off of Itunes (yes, I have just entered the 21st century)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't believe I kept any of my new year's resolutions which were the following:
-to drink more water (definitely did not do)
-to cut myself a bit more slack (I gave this a valiant effort, although I don't think I ever really believed any of the things I told myself)
-floss more (this is my new year's resolution every year)
-set some goals for myself i.e 5 yr plan (I set goals for myself- see 101 things entry, but not a 5 yr plan)
-walk dogs every day for at least 30 mins (yeah... I am a bad puppy parent. This definitely did not happen)
-come up with a weekly meal plan and follow it (also did not happen)
Okay... so with that, you would think that I would not bother making resolutions again. But that's the one thing that I am consistent about. I make resolutions every year. Sure, they are usually the same every year but what the hell...
My resolutions for 2011 are:
-to drink at least 5 glasses of water a day (seriously, this is good for me. I usually don't drink any. Bad, very bad.)
-Floss at least once every weekday
-Do something active every day (whether thats going for a run, walking the dogs, taking a class...)
-Do at least one social activity a week where I am out meeting and actively engaging in conversation with a new person.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Um, yes. It felt like everyone was freaking pregnant. My lovely friends Sarah and Kendra and Kelly who all have very cute babies, a slew of people on Facebook and oh, yeah, Tony has a baby too.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my grandpa :(

5. What places did you visit?
Aruba, Cape Cod, NH, Maine, Colorado, NYC, The Jerz. I think that’s it...

What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Aside from more money? I would like to feel at peace with myself and where I am and the things/ people I have in my life.

What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 28, 2010: the date I was supposed to get married.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
31 days of yoga in the 31 days of January
Umm... drinking a lot? I don't know that I really achieved much this year aside from having a lot of fun....
I got a few part-time jobs that I was super happy with and think will help me on my path towards a better career (let's hope!!)

9. What was your biggest failure?
Oh God... I consider everything a failure, but in an effort to be realistic, to be honest, I don't know. I must be awesome at everything!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
no, thankfully

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My computer.
Oh! and my favorite cardigan ever-- pretty much every time I wear it, I wish I bought one in every color.
Oooh and my bed. I love my bed.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Biggie's!! He is no longer living in his crate and he has reduced his barking significantly. So proud :)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Definitely Tony's, 100%, and sometimes my own.

14. Where did most of your money go?
My wonderful student loans, rent, and restaurants. I went out to eat, a lot.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Talking about Cape weekend
My birthday party
Going to Colorado to see my Bestie Erin
All the exciting news my friends' had to share-engagements and weddings and babies, oh my!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Hmmm... not sure. Will have to think on that. Maybe Dog Days by Florence and the Machine-- yes, that one.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? happier
b) thinner or fatter? fatter
c) richer or poorer? richer
Two outta three ain't bad...

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I wish I had worked a harder to be a little more positive and aware of my actions

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I had eaten less... actually let me rephrase: I wish I had engaged in a little less emotional eating.

20. How will you spend Christmas?
I spent it with my family in New Jersey

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
If I was 22 I probably easily could have, but I’m 30 and trying to be a little more judicious with my emotions these days, not to mention a little more realistic with the long term potential of relationships. That may be another achievement actually.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Glee! Gossip Girl.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I don't think so...

24. What was the best book you read?
Ugh I wish I read more books... I read The Help though which I really liked

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Parenthood Soundtrack

26. What did you want and get?
College counseling experience

27. What did you want and not get?
Okay, I don't want to say a boy, but I'm going to say it: a boy. Ugh, is it terrible that I am a little disgusted that I just admitted that?

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Oh, I loved Easy A. So hilarious.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was the big 3-0. I had a party at a bar and acted like a 22 year old. Good times :)

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Had I accomplished more than 31 in 31

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
generally classic with lots of scarves and/or bikinis depending on the weather.

32. What kept you sane?
Oh without a doubt- my friends!!

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Did I "fancy" the most? Um... I'm not sure.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
I will not say that I don't care about politics, because I do, but not enough to remember anything that stirred me in particular this year.

35. Whom did you miss?
All of my dear friends who moved away :(

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Well technically I met Erika in 2009 but we didn't really become friends until this year. Definitely the best, if not the most fun person that I've met.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
That I need to fill my life with more fun, less sadness, and hopefully I'll manage to figure out the stuff in between.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright."

Quite a step up from 2009, which was "I wanna be sedated"

Bros before Hos

2010-09-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

I hate being alone. It's a fact. I am not one of those people who relishes in the few moments of quiet time during the day. Nope, I am one of those people who needs constant entertainment (I know, I sound totally annoying right now, don't I?) Perhaps I missed the only child lesson on being able to create your own fun, but I would rather spend time with just about anyone than have to spend a whole weekend without any plans. Not having anything to do on a Friday AND Saturday night= My personal nightmare. Okay, maybe it's not that bad, but I will say I get awfully cranky.... Unfortunately for me, this loneliness induced crankiness has been setting in a little more frequently as of late. Sure, I have a new guy in my life who has been taking up some of my time, but I am totally a "bros before hos" kind of girl if you know what I mean. Lately though it seems that my "bros" have been disappearing slowly, one by one. No, I haven't been driving them away. Rather, they have been driving themselves away. Literally. To another state.... or two, or three. Yup, in the past few months four(!) of my closest friends have moved away-- and another one is planning on leaving in the next six months. Now, I know it has nothing to do with me, but man does it suck. In my continued efforts to be positive, I will say that now I have lots of fun places to visit, but that doesn't really take away from the fact that I am running out of people to hang out with here in Boston. Mostly though, everyone moving away has just made me think about whether or not I should do the same thing. Where I would go, I have no idea. New York perhaps? I don't know. I guess I just feel like I've done my time in Boston and maybe I need a change. Anyway, it's just a thought for now....

What a Wild Wonderful Summer It's Been

2010-09-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

The majority of last summer was spent eating ice cream and laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. This was randomly interspersed with bouts of the sobbing, heaving, i-can't-breathe kind of crying around Tony and near panic attacks around the fact that I was potentially going to have no place to live come September. Good times....

A year later though, I am happy to say that I am in an infinitely better place. I have wonderful friends who have helped me immensely throughout the year, a pretty decent job that has allowed me to have the best summer ever and a fantastic new apartment in downtown Boston. Even as our wedding date passed me by last Saturday, I managed to remain fairly calm throughout the weekend and kept busy despite my incredibly strong desire to revert back to last summer's go-to method of coping: wallowing.

Laying on the beach all summer certainly didn't hurt my efforts to be in a better place though. In fact, this summer has been unlike any other I can remember. This summer was spent traveling, having amazing adventures, meeting new people and of course pushing my toes through the sand on a regular basis. This summer was indeed the most perfect summer I could imagine for the "Year of Joy." Sure, I didn't complete all of the things on my list of things to before I was 30, but I made a good dent. And believe it or not, I am totally okay with that.

Here is a snapshot of the reasons why I was waaaaay too busy to blog:

July!
Phil's 30th Birthday Booze Cruise

I'm on a Boat aka Cape Weekend!!

Lake Winnipesauke

August!
Good Bye Allston, Hello Bay Village!

Best 30th Birthday Party Ever with Greatest Friends Ever!!

More Booze Cruisin'

Maine with my BFFs

Thanks to everyone who is still checking in! Consistent blogging resumes...now.

Wedded Bliss

2010-06-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

I am headed to Seattle! The land of great coffee, the space needle and rainy days is also the place where my friend Scott went to grad school and is subsequently getting married this weekend (let's cross our fingers for good weather!!!)

Scott and I have been friends since seventh grade and somewhere during that time we "dated" as well (and by dated I mean, were boyfriend and girlfriend for about five months-- the extent of which being that we talked on the phone one time.) Regardless, we have somehow managed to stick together through the years. Him watching me go from one boyfriend to the next and me watching him move from one coast to the other while listening to him bitch about wanting a girlfriend and then not wanting a girlfriend and then wanting one, etc., etc. Needless to say, it's been a long and interesting decade or two.

Now that he is getting married, I'm not exactly sure what our friendship is going to look like. I am hoping things don't change that much (well, except for the girlfriend stuff of course :)) but I suppose that may just come with the territory. Either way, I just want to say, Scott, although I know my tolerance of you can sometimes be low, the light in my life would be a little less bright if you weren't in it.

Congratulations Scott and Flora!!! I am so happy for you guys!!

Scott's First Asian Girlfriend (circa 1993):

And more importantly, his last :)

Item #7: Connections

2010-06-22T07:49:00.000-07:00

So this topic is one that I haven't really wanted to write about. Believe it or not, it's bordering on a bit too personal for me to share. I know, you're amazed right? After I've been spilling my guts about relationships past, now I put the kibosh on personal information? Well this post is about item #7 on my list of 13. I actually had a post written long ago, but I decided not to post it for fear that it sounded too callous or unintentionally angry. This is attempt at post number two.

If you haven't already taken the time to look back to my original list, item #7 is "Get in Touch with my Half Sisters." This is something I've been wanting to do for a very long time, but haven't for reasons of various nature. I tell myself that the reason why I haven't tried harder to get in touch with them is due to the fact that my father keeps telling me that "now is not a good time." I have been asking him to start the process for me because although I can reach them easily on Facebook, I don't want to totally blindside them if they don't know that I exist. Can you imagine that? "Hey, guess what, I'm your half sister! What up!" Unfortunately, given that he has been telling me that it's "not the right time" for about five years, I'm guessing that it's never going to be the right time.

So in an attempt to limit this post a bit, I am choosing to not share everything I'm feeling about this fairly shitty situation. However, what I will say is this: I have emailed my father one last time, basically giving him the heads up that I am going to contact one of my half sisters. Now to actually email her... let's just hope complete rejection is not in my future right now.

Eeek.

Item #3: The Wedding Dress Blues

2010-06-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

The decision to sell my wedding dress was not an easy one. I mean I love it. I really, really love it, but with so much baggage and so many memories attached it, I didn't think it was fair to me (or to the next guy who comes along) to keep it. Plus it was on my list of 13 before 30. Despite the fact that I have been acting like a 22 yr old lately, there are times when I do try to be a grown up. This is one of those times. And so, today, with a very heavy heart, I posted my dress on Preownedweddingdress.com (you can see it there at listing number 19928.) I have to admit the picture I took doesn't do it much justice, but I wonder if a part of me did that in hopes that it wouldn't actually be sold. While I realize the ridiculousness of that, there is still a part of me that is holding on...just a little bit. To what, I'm not quite sure, after all, it couldn't be more over and it's not like I couldn't use the money. Anyway, that's all I have to say about all of this, but if you know of anyone who is in the market for a beautiful wedding dress, go check it out. Thanks.

13 before 30.

2010-06-12T05:12:00.000-07:00

The best part of being in Aruba was not the drunk party bus or the incredible fishies I saw during snorkeling. It wasn't even the gorgeous beaches or the amazing sunsets, it was taking a vacation...from my brain. In fact, I don't know that I have ever had a vacation like this before. Sure, hiking and eating lobster in Maine was pretty great, being with my college friends and going just about anywhere is usually pretty awesome too, but none of it compares to just not thinking about anything for a whole week...not work, not boys, not the pups... what I did spend some time thinking about was my list of 13. I got an awful lot of feedback on it and some of the suggestions were pretty interesting: swimming with dolphins, shooting an AK-47, renting a car, but the one I heard the most people say was skydiving. Although I am not completely disinterested in skydiving, it is also not something that I am dying to do either, so I'm not adding it to my official list, which is comprised of the following items:
1. Do a keg stand DONE
2. Play spin the bottle
3. Sell my wedding dress WORK IN PROGRESS
4. Do 10 pushups WORK IN PROGRESS
5. Learn how to salsa
6. Go surfing
7. Get in touch with my half sisters WORK IN PROGRESS
8. Sit at a bar, by myself for at least an hour. Meet some peeps. DONE
9. Learn how to better invest my money
10. Come up with a list of 10 questions to ask someone new that I've met
11. Read the manual for my digital camera and learn to take better pics
12. Walk the Freedom Trail
13. Throw myself an awesome 30th birthday party!
Wish me luck! 52 more days to go!!

Aruba!

2010-06-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

Here are some of my favorite pics from my trip:

Time, It is A Tickin'

2010-06-03T07:10:00.000-07:00

As of tomorrow, it will be exactly two months until my birthday. The big 3-0. Despite the fact that the thought of "being old" seems to be chilling out in the back of my head, I think I'm doing okay with it so far. Panic has not set in yet. Although to be quite honest, I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be afraid of-- I already can't remember for shit and can't hear half the time, how much worse could it possibly get?!? (Please...don't answer that.)

Anyway, due to this impending age change I've been not only thinking a lot about what I have accomplished over the years, but also what I thought I would have accomplished by now. That was just making me feel sort of bummed out though so I decided that I was going to do some research (no, I didn't look to see what others accomplished by the time they were 30-- what, do you want me to go into a downward spiral of negativity?? We are trying to stay away from that people!) And apparently there are an awful lot of people out there with some strong opinions about what you should do by the time you're thirty. There was even an article about it on bankrate.com. Strange, right? It didn't even have to do with money! Anyway, here is a completely random selection:

Drive a wickedly cool car
Shoot something
Post bail for a friend
Buy a samurai sword
Drive at more than 140mph.
Get drunk on Absinthe
Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Held a tarantula
Hugged a tree
Bungee jumped
Touched an iceberg
Held a lamb
Hit a home run
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in lovee
Performed on stage
Raised children
Lost over 100 pounds
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Helped an animal give birth

With all of my boy craziness as of late, I have decided that I am actually 30 going on 13. So, in the months of June and July I will be comprising a list of 13 things I will accomplish before I turn 30. I haven't actually thought of them yet, but I promise that I will be thinking of these 13 items long and hard as I am lounging on the beaches in...... ARUBA!!!! That's right suckas! I am going to Aruba tomorrow. See ya'll in a week!

One last thing: I like that when I looked up "things to do before you are 30" I also saw an awful lot of "things to do before you die" postings... as in being 30 is synonymous with being dead. Awesome.

A Sign of Things to Come

2010-05-28T11:07:00.001-07:00

I've been struggling to think of what to do for the month of June. Since I abandoned my project last month, I've felt like I've needed to come back this month with something particularly challenging/interesting, but I haven't really been able to think of anything. There are only a few short days left before June is upon us so if anyone has any fantastic ideas, I would love to hear them.

In the meantime, I've been pretty busy devoting my time to thinking about the decorating the apartment we still haven't signed a lease for yet (nor have we found someone to take our apartment, mind you.) But despite my excitement being a little bit premature, I thought I would give you a little preview on some ideas for our currently not-so-cute kitchen.

Untitled by joyly80 on Polyvore.com

A Work in Progress.

2010-05-23T04:30:00.000-07:00

The interesting thing about blogs is that you never know who is reading them. For me, starting this blog was initially a way of documenting the different challenges I was planning to take on over the course of this year. However as I kept writing, the blog seemed to develop a mind of it's own, weaving itself more into tales of self-discovery than of documentation. I suppose in a way that was what I was hoping to accomplish (you know finding myself and all,) but never once did I think I would ever be so revealing.

It's funny because I think for those who actually know me, they know that I have a really hard time talking about my feelings, so to write about some of the issues that have arisen for me in the last year is in fact quite out of character. Believe it or not, prior to starting this blog, I was not really one to be blabbing to the world about all of my crap. Apparently, this is no longer the case. Regardless, it seems that there was a bit of naivete in play here, because while I know there are people out there reading this, it really doesn't feel like there are. It feels like I am just posting out into nothingness...a nothingness that can be quite easily found with just the click of a few buttons.

Truth be told, I guess I hadn't actually thought too much about who could potentially be looking into my life or how much of it could be accessed on-line for that matter. I mean in many ways my blog is pretty self-indulgent at times...a little heavy on the "Jagged Little Pill" if you will. So although I assumed some of my friends to be reading, I don't know that I expected anyone else to be doing so...

My sudden concern around this issue arises mostly because I don't want to be giving the false impression that the topics (and by topics I mean Tony) I cover in this blog completely encompass who I am. Yes, breaking up with him was a very big deal for me and it shaped my life in many ways (see: baggage,) but this incident has not taken over, it does not define me. It is merely a part of my life that I am choosing to process publicly, in hopes that as the year goes on, I will continue filling my life with things that make up [just] me.

After all, everyone is a work in progress...and I am working on progressing.

I'm In Love!

2010-05-19T06:57:00.001-07:00

No it's not what you think... have you guys not been reading all of my lovely posts about how all the good ones move to New Hampshire? No, this is about my love for boxing. Yes, boxing. My friend and I went to a class the other day and the first half totally kicked my ass with a combination of weights, push ups (umm...I couldn't get past five and the dude counted to like 40 or something, I just about died) and some cardio stuff. However, the second half was all about punching. Man, do I love punching stuff. Who knew?? Perhaps it just adds fuel to my angry little fire, but it seems like mostly it's a good way for me to get some aggression out...no, I wasn't picturing anyone in particular, well at least not the whole time. Plus! It is now two days later and I still feel like I can't move. Seriously. I hurt. A lot. So I think I'm going back Saturday! There were these girls in the ring and they were just beating the shit out of each other. It was kind of inspiring and scary at the same time. So we'll see how far I get--maybe it's just the initial novelty of it, but I am pretty sure I sort of love it. Yay!

I tried to superimpose my face on this chick but I couldn't figure out how to do it :(
That would have been funny....are those outfits really what they wear when they box? Those are kind of funny too.

Sometimes You Just Have to Accept the Facts.

2010-05-17T15:06:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I realized that I am officially old. For those of you who are thinking, "don't be dramatic, you're not old, 30s are the new 20s!" or something of the sort, trust me, you're wrong. Let me tell you why.

So I am down in Jersey visiting some family and while I am there, we make a trip out to Costco. Being that I don't have a Costco card, I was pretty excited. I mean where else can you buy a pound of goat cheese and a bag of mixed berries larger than my head?! Nowhere, I tell you, nowhere. Anyway, so while we are there, my cousin and I are talking and we come up with the fantastic idea to split a Costco membership (and let me first say we are waaay more excited than is probably necessary.) We go up to membership desk and ask to sign up. The woman at the desk tells me that we need to have the same address to share a card. Well being that my cousin lives in Brooklyn and I live in Boston, clearly that is not going to happen, but I sign up anyway, all the while scheming away with my cousin in Chinese about how we are going to get around this (seriously, it is so convenient to speak a different language sometimes.) First we decided that I could say that I "lost" my card and she could take it and I would get a new one (what? we're both Asian, the picture is fuzzy... we all look the same anyway, right?) Then we thought, well maybe that won't work; Maybe we should white-out my roommates name on the new lease we are signing and tell them that we are domestic partners and moving in together but she hasn't changed her license yet. That way she can get a card with her own name on it. But maybe that's too complicated... maybe we should...well, you get the point. We spent a good hour thinking of ways around this problem before I realized it. That it was official: we are old. I mean come on, we are basically trying to chalk our Costco card. Ten years ago, I was scheming with my friends about how to chalk my license so I could get into bars and now.... Costco?? Seriously?? I mean if that is not a new low, I have no idea what is.

So it's true everyone, 3 months shy of 30 and I am already there. Hell, the next thing you know my metabolism will come to a screeching halt and my eggs will start drying up...oh, wait...I'm kidding, (sort of.)**

**Okay, so that was being a little dramatic...

Letting Go

2010-05-12T18:11:00.000-07:00

As of September I will have lived in my apartment for five years. It's the longest I have ever lived anywhere aside from the house I grew up in.

Out of those five years, four of them were spent building a life with Tony. Right now, he and his wife are in the process of having a baby....and I am in the process of letting go.

Kate and I are waiting patiently for my landlord to get back to us. We are hoping that he will let us get out of our lease early so that we can move into an apartment in a sweet location on the South End/Back Bay line. I have said many times that I would give my first born to live in the South End (Tuffy excluded.) And the opportunity is here, presenting itself before us, just waiting for us to take it. A place that is a decent price AND takes dogs?! These things don't happen every day....so why haven't we grabbed it??

Because the truth is we are not waiting for the landlord to get back to us. He has already called. I haven't told Kate, although I suppose I will before she ever reads this. I legitimately didn't hear the phone ring, but when I saw that he did, I didn't call back....not right away, and not later in the evening. Instead I cried. Pathetic, I know. I never used to be a crier, but apparently I am now.

In that moment panic had set in. The reality that I may be leaving this apartment forever-- this place that I had called my home for so long. It was the last little piece of Tony I had left and in a few short weeks it could be gone. Logically I know it's the right thing to do:
-I have always wanted to live in the South End/ Back Bay.
-It's a reasonable price.
-It takes dogs.
-It's on a quiet street.
-We can walk everywhere.
-Parking would be the same, if not better than Allston.
-We would live with people who most likely would not be puking in front of our door or smoking in the hallway or letting their cat run amok or putting up weird signs about vampires on the door... (yes, this is really the building I live in.)
-Most importantly, it's very much needed fresh start.
Have I convinced you (me!) yet??

I am terrified and incredibly sad. Those things are clear. However, the fact is, that to everything there comes an end...and for me, the end to this chapter comes now (yes, again for like the fiftieth time... I realize that.)

I have yet to feel like I have been presented with any of benefits that supposedly come when you make a difficult (but the right) decision, but maybe, just maybe, something good will come of this. Fingers crossed!!

How happy would the pups be here?? Only a 10 minute walk away!!

How Does Your Man Measure Up?

2010-05-10T06:37:00.000-07:00

I was digging through some boxes of old stuff the other day when I came across a few journals that documented the traumatic years of my adolescence. As I flipped through page after page reading about whoever I loved or hated at the given time (most of whom ended up being the same few people... I love Aaron, I hate Aaron etc. etc.) I realized that many of the entries sound disturbingly similar to some of the conversations I've been having with my friends as of late. Apparently I have not evolved in the last 15 years and it turns out that I am a little boy crazy. Shocking, I know. Admittedly, it is not one of my best qualities, but i digress....

All this rifling and reminiscing (not even I could stand to read me yammering on about one guy or another) did lead to one glorious little discovery though: an entry that was written with my friend Katie, and dated April 21, 1997 when I was at the ripe old age of 16. No doubt thinking that we were so wise in the ways of boy, we created a list detailing all of the qualities the perfect guy would have. It was 125 items long. Yes, you read that right, one hundred and twenty five...and they say that women don't have high expectations...ha.

I really wanted to write them all but here is a sample of our ridiculousness, as well as some of my favorites which are highlighted:
HOT-- of course this was number one on the list, we were 16 after all...
could get into any school I want to go to or dream of going to
one earring
dimples
tan
ROMANTIC
Understanding (can listen to our obsessing)
sympathetic ("what did you say honey? I understand... you are mad they didn't have a small in black...)
generous (will offer to pay and push you out of the way so he can pay)
has never failed a grade
has a personality (hopefully good)
BODY...BODY...BODY
poetic (likes the late night love nest)
Hates sluts --we inserted a name here
owns at least one hat--what?! so weird...
Wegmans geeks need not apply --this was for Katie's benefit only
knows what you are thinking without saying anything--I think this may have been the most unrealistic thing on this list
ghetto car (sweet ride)
not a drug dealer-- we had very high priorities
at least one year older
has good hands--huh?? I don't even know why that would matter...
IS A WOMAN BECAUSE THEY ARE PERFECT (and can carry this mentality at all times)
is not psycho
tall
likes gum (and will buy it for you)
not hairy
can grow facial hair-- I love the fact that we wanted someone who isn't hairy and can grow facial hair. ha.
has a job
not fat

And my favoritest of them all:
can drive (after nine)

I'm not quite sure what I would have said to the 16 year old version of me had I known how my life was going to turn out--maybe just not to expect that much because you'll only be disappointed? That's awfully cynical I know, but I'm still waiting for someone to change my mind.

My list of "must haves" is currently at two:
1. will be nice to me.
2. won't move away.

Trust Me, I'm a Therapist

2010-05-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

Contrary to what this blog may suggest, I am not bipolar. I realize that sometimes I seem up and sometimes I seem down, but I am usually just trying to write about how I feel at any given moment, and trying to be honest. I recognize that I may seem a little crazy on occasion and that I most often write when I am feeling down, however, this is probably because I find writing to be somewhat cathartic. I promise you all that I am not about to jump off a bridge or anything, just in case you were wondering. I have too many friends out there who are mandated reporters anyway and would probably send me off somewhere before I could even blink.

Just wanted to put that out there.

The Month of May

2010-05-05T04:44:00.000-07:00

When I started this project I had the intention of trying something new every month in order to figure out who I was without Tony. But I think my hidden intention was not that at all, it was more about figuring out how to be happy.

It's not working.

In fact I think that with all of my failed challenges I am setting my own trap for myself. I walked into this thinking, if I come up with a year of different challenges and blog about completing them, then I will enter 2011 feeling happy and accomplished, like I took control of my 2009 shitty life and tried to make it better. But in fact the exact opposite has happened. Aside from January, I have not completed any challenges. I have not lived intentionally or meditated or started eating better. My running has not been consistent and neither has my dog walking or flossing or even blogging. All of my behavior charts go unchecked acting as a reminder of how I have wasted my time doing what? I don't even know...facebook? tv? I mean we don't even have cable any more! What could I possibly be watching?! Where is my time going??? I honestly have no idea. Not only that, but I'm pretty sure I write about the same stuff every day: my weight, how I'm not happy or not completing anything or boys or Tony.... This stuff does not make up a whole year of blogging, or at least it shouldn't.

So for the month of May I don't know what I am doing. I have no official challenges... I am just here, trying not bore everyone by yammering on about random crap, trying to keep my head above water.

#5: What Does it Take to Live Intentionally?

2010-04-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking an awful lot about turning 30 recently. It is only three months away and I'm not exactly how it came up so quickly. As a result, I think I have been regressing slowly into the 22 year old version of myself. What this means is that I have been going out multiple nights a week and living the basic reckless lifestyle of, well, me, eight years ago...only with worse hangovers, more responsibilities, and consequently, more guilt. Fun. I'm guessing that part of this is about self-medicating and the other part feels like this is my last chance to get drunk and act like an idiot on a regular basis. Why that is, I don't know. I know plenty of people out there who are over 30 and act like total idiots.

I suppose I am still struggling to deal with where I once imagined my life would be at 30. I don't know that I ever had a very clear picture, but I can say with confidence that my life didn't include having a roommate, being a single mom to two dogs, and working at a mediocre job that pays next to nothing. Sure, we've established that it's not all bad; I'm just saying that it's not what I expected. This leads me to Law #5: The Law of Intention and Desire.

According to Law #5, I am supposed to write down a list of my desires and let the universe handle the details for me. Maybe this is where the problem lies, that I have never written down any desires for myself and kept them in the forefront of my brain. I'll be honest though, despite the fact that I haven't written down any desires, I don't know that the universe is handling things so well. In many ways it seems like my life this past year has been a test--let's see just how far we can push Joy until she totally loses it. Don't get me wrong, I think I have learned a lot from it. I know that I am a lot stronger than I realized and certainly more resilient, but I have also been wondering when is this test going to be over?! When are things just going to work out in my favor? Because Universe, my patience is waning and has been for quite a while. Maybe I am missing the entire point. I should just learn from this experience and let it be. Maybe it is going to help me to be more grateful for things once they do come my way. I haven't quite figured out what the message is supposed to be.

Anyway, I will put the Law of Intention and Desire into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:
1. I will make a list of all of my desires. I will carry this list with me wherever I go. I will look at this list before I go into my silence and meditation (providing I do it that day.) I will look at before I go to sleep at night. I will look at it when I wake up in the morning.

2. I will release this list of desires and surrender it to the womb of creation (huh??) trusting that when things don't go my way, there is a reason (there better be a pretty freaking good reason for the last year, Universe!) and that the cosmic plan has designs for me much grander than those I have conceived.... Okay, so maybe the reason why none of this stuff is working is because I don't know that I believe it. I know that I have alluded to that before, but the cosmic plan...really?

3. I will remind myself to practice present moment awareness in all my actions. I will refuse to allow obstacles to consume and dissipate the quality of my attention in the present moment. i will accept the present as it is and manifest the future through my deepest, most cherished intentions and desires.

Okay, I'm off to make my list. Hope this works! Should probably get started on meditating again. I've been slacking big time people.

Time Heals All Wounds?

2010-04-21T05:59:00.000-07:00

You know I do a lot of griping about how I feel like things haven't gotten better in the last year. This happens out of my inherent negativity, but in fact it is not entirely true. Now hold up, it's not like I have been lying all this time. I have been feeling less fun and more funky lately. However, with that being said, in an effort to be positive, there have been some improvements:
-I'm not running out of the room every time I hear a little "Don't Stop Believin'" (this statement does not apply when I am drunk, then all bets are off, although I usually end up more belligerent, less sad.)
-I don't tear up every time I have moment to myself (in the car, at home, walking down the street...)
-Aside from the occasional bitter comment, I don't talk about Tony that much (okay, this is in comparison people...)
-I don't cry every time I talk to Tony (although I don't talk to him that much anymore, so that could be why. Ha)
-Oh! I don't get all upset every time anyone talks about getting married/engaged....See, lots of improvements!!
-Most of all, even though things didn't work out with NH#2, I've realized that I am ready to be in another relationship, like for realz, which seriously feels so huge to me. Sure, I'm still pretty skittish and there are definitely times that I feel like shutting down and never dealing with guys again, but for the most part, I'm willing to give it a shot....

Don't you boys all come banging down my door all at once...

#4: The Law of Least Effort

2010-04-20T07:28:00.000-07:00

This fourth law comes at a good time. So you know by now that things ended with NH #2 because we decided...well, he decided that would not be able to handle residency and a relationship at the same time. I decided that it wasn't worth it to get more invested in something that was not going to go anywhere anyway. Whether or not that was a good decision is still up for debate, but at this point, I'm leaning towards no. Why would I not just make the most of the time we have left? I don't know, but now I'm feeling like maybe it's too late to change my mind.... Anyway, I promise this is relevant.

"The Law of Least Effort" is based on the fact that nature's intelligence functions with effortless ease and abandoned carefreeness. This is the principle of least action, of no resistance...Least effort is expended when your actions are motivated by love...When you seek power and control over others you waste energy.

According to Chopra, there are three components to "The Law of Least Effort." The first component is acceptance. Acceptance means that you make a commitment: "Today I will accept people, situations, circumstance and events as they occur." This means I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. When you struggle against this moment, you're actually struggling against the whole universe. When you choose not to struggle, this means that your acceptance of this moment is total and complete.

Okay, so here's where my initial blurb is relevant, and also where I am a bit confused. According to Chopra, if I had accepted the situation as it was-- the fact that NH#2 was going to New Hampshire and just kept going with it, then would things be better right now? By ending things was I struggling against the whole universe, in an effort to protect myself? And now, if I go back and attempt to fix things... well is that struggling against how things are now? Chopra goes on to say, "You accept things as they are, not as you wish they were in this moment...you can wish for things to be different in the future but in this moment you have to accept things as they are." So does that mean I just have to accept that I made this choice? What if I had never made the choice in the first place...so if everyone just accepts things as they are in the moment, then does anything change? Should everyone just wait for other people to do things then?

Chopra also says that when you feel frustrated or upset by a person, remember you are not reacting to that person or situation, but to your feelings about that person or situation. When you recognize and understand this completely, you are ready to take responsibility for how you feel and to change it. Responsibility is also the second component of "The Law of Least Effort." Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself. Having accepted this circumstance, responsibility means the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now. All problems have seeds of opportunity and this awareness allows you to take this moment and transform it into a better situation or thing.

Okay I understand this second concept, learn and create opportunities from every situation, but I have to say, I think it will be very difficult not to blame myself for stuff, since, well, that's sort of my M.O. It does feel like it could be helpful to separate myself from my feelings though, and not be one in the same. I do have sort of a hard time buying into the idea that "this moment is as it should be" and whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones that you need in your life at this moment. I mean what about people who are in really negative or abusive relationships? I understand that maybe they could learn from these relationships, just as any other relationship, but who needs an a person in their lives who makes them miserable? Is Chopra saying that you are choosing to react to someone beating the crap out of you in a negative way? Is there a positive way to look at something like that? Maybe I am missing the point, I do know that I am going on a bit of a tangent that is somewhat irrelevant to the rest of the post, but I guess I just feel like there may be certain situations where this doesn't apply???

The third component of the Law of Least Effort is the defenselessness, which means that your awareness is established in defenselessness and you have relinquished the need to convince or persuade others of your point of view. When you become defensive, blame others and do not accept and surrender to the moment you life meets resistance.

I've got nothing to say to this, as I feel like this is not a problem for me. In fact I feel like I need to be doing a better job of convincing others of my points of view...

And so it comes to this: I will put the "Law of Least Effort into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:

1. I will practice acceptance. Today I will accept people, situations, circumstance, and events as they occur. I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. i will not struggle against the whole universe by struggling against this moment. my acceptance is total and complete. I accept things as they are this moment, not as I wish they were.

2. Having accepted things as they are, I will take responsibility for my situation and for all those events i see as problems. I know that taking responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for my situation (and this includes myself!) I also know that every problem is an opportunity in disguise, and this alertness to opportunities allows me to take this moment and transform it into a greater benefit.

3. Today my awareness will remain established in defensivelessness. I will relinquish the need to defend my point of view. i will feel no need to convince or persuade others to accept my point of view. I will remain open to all points of view and not be rigidly attached to any one of them.

Marathon Monday!!

2010-04-19T05:17:00.000-07:00

With all of the craziness of the Boston Marathon swirling around the city this weekend, I thought this would be a good time to discuss my attempt to start running again. I started a few weeks ago. I hadn't really wanted to tell anyone for fear that I could fail in some way (although I don't even really know what that would look like...getting hurt again I guess) But it's true. I'm getting back out there, pounding the pavement if you will, and trying not to injure myself in the process. It sounds sort of silly but I think a lot of my anxiety around running was totally mental (KNOCK ON WOOD!!) Every time I would even think about running my physical therapist's face would pop into my head and my knee would start hurting. Completely psychosomatic. But the look he had when he pushed down on my quad and my knee popped right out with virtually no effort at all, well that was enough to keep me away from running forever.

It wasn't enough to keep me from thinking about running though. 2007 was probably one of the best years I've ever had: I completed my Masters in Social Work, I got my first job out of school that I loved, I got my LCSW, things were going well with Tony, and I had trained and completed a half marathon while raising over $2100 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I felt accomplished and I was happy. Sure, the half marathon was only part of it, but getting up at 5:45 almost every morning to train with my friend Leslie for four months, well that was a pretty large chunk of my year. I felt like one of those "good" people. You know, those people who remember to bring their reusable bags to the grocery store, and raise money for charities and run with their dogs...okay, well I don't know that I will ever consistently remember to bring my reusable bags, but the point is, I felt like I was becoming the person I wanted to be.

I am so far from that now, and I'm not really sure how I lost my way.

So maybe running through the pain and anxiety of getting hurt will get me back to where I want to be (hmmm... this seems to be sounding like a metaphor for relationships somehow...) Yes, sometimes my knee feels like it's just floating around in my leg, as though it is not attached to anything at all. And yes, sometimes it hurts, a lot. And yes, a lot of the time, I think to myself, "I hate running, why am I doing this??" But the truth is, I don't hate running, I actually sort of like it when the music is so loud that it drowns out everything else in my head and I'm moving forward at a snails pace (I am painfully slow. No, seriously.) When I run a race, even though I am often one of the very last people on the course, I feel accomplished, like I am doing something worthwhile with my time, with my life. I once had someone tell me that "pain is not an indication that something is wrong." I thought he was crazy at the time, but maybe it's true, maybe it's just another thing to run through.

Funky Town

2010-04-16T13:11:00.001-07:00

Well it's been a long couple of weeks friends.... what I have been doing, well I'm not exactly sure. Most likely a combination of wallowing and working and wasting time on Facebook and Tastespotting (the best website ever!!) and the like. I wish I could say that I was doing something more useful, but researching random events around Boston (that my friends will actually join me on) takes up an awful lot of time...and going to them, well I'm not complaining about that. This weekend I went to the Wine Riot, a wine tasting event which basically guarantees you will be drunk within the first hour of attendance. Pretty awesome.

Anyway, I have to say that I have been in a bit of a funk lately, which has probably contributed to the lack of blog posts as of late. I guess it just feels like no matter what I try, things have not turned around for me. No amount of blogging or yoga-ing or meditating or jewelry-making has made things feel like they are getting better. If anything, I feel like Angry Joy is coming out more often (I would just like to take this time to apologize to the dishwasher, the garbage can, and any other inanimate objects that have been hurt in this process...) As you may have guessed, things with the boy didn't exactly pan out in the way I would have liked, and work...well, lets just say that things could be better in that realm of things too. The worst part is, on top of it all, I feel guilty for bitching about it. I don't want to subject the [two of you] who read this to my idiocy especially when I know that I have friends out there who are going through much worse and seem to be staying on the bright side of things. However, for someone who often falls victim to the vicious downward spiraling of thoughts though, it feels very easy to go from feeling pretty good to feeling like complete shit in a matter of minutes...and always at the strangest times. For instance, today would have been mine and Tony's seven year anniversary, and I am actually feeling okay about it, but I drop my freshly baked broccoli and cheese calzone on the floor and I am freaking irate. It's totally insane, really.

So, I guess analyzing the crap out of my funk has been taking up some time as well. That, and attempting a little Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on myself. Well, I wish I could say it was enough to catapult me out of this deep, dark hole that I have found myself in. Unfortunately, it's not so I'll continue plugging away, wishing for summer to come a little faster, trying to find more random things to do around the city (boxing anyone??? yoga is NOT working. Maybe beating the crap out of something will help me to feel better.) And somewhere in there, I'll start to stop hoping that New Hampshire #2 will change his mind...

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T06:44:00.000-07:00

I never celebrated Easter growing up. To me, Easter was always about going over to my friend Lianne's and raiding her

dining room table which was usually piled full of peanut butter eggs and chocolate bunnies and jelly beans, none of which was ever seen in my house. This year though I am having dinner with my friend Leslie and her husband Chuck. They are contributing ham. I am contributing leeks.

A few weeks ago I went to Haymarket here in Boston. It was an interesting experience that I had never been subject to before. People yelling, pushing and bargaining, the air somehow managing to smell both fishy and fresh at the same time. Between that and the fact that everything was dirt cheap...well it was all a little overwhelming. However, in my excitement at the fact that a carton of blackberries was only a dollar (I basically live off of yogurt, berries and granola) I managed to buy an extravagant amount of fruits and vegetables. How do you turn down a bunch of asparagus for a buck?!? Well, I can tell you right now, you don't. So there I was unloading three plastic bags and a backpack full of stuff I didn't even know I bought and I came across two bunches of leeks, my all time favorite aromatic (I would say vegetable, but then I wouldn't be able to include all the other stuff I love...and also found upon coming home.) I looooooooooove leeks. They are so very delicious and sweet and oniony--especially when you put them in a bread pudding. Did I mention, I also love bread pudding? So the combination, well I can't really think of anything better right now...

I have to admit, I have never made this recipe before, but I found it on Epicurious and it was originally from Ad Hoc at Home by Thomas Keller, a fantastic book, so I figured I couldn't go wrong. Anyway, here it is:

Leek Bread Pudding

Ingredients:

2 cups 1/2 inch thick slices leeks (white and light green parts only)

Kosher Salt

4 tablespoons unsalted butter

Freshly ground pepper

12 cups 1-inch cubed crustless Brioche

1 tablespoon finely chopped chives

1 teaspoon thyme leaves

3 large eggs

3 cups whole milk

3 cups heavy cream

Freshly grated nutmeg

1 cup shredded Comte or Emmentaler

Preparation:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F

Put the leek rounds in a large bowl of tepid water and swish around, let the dirt fall to the bottom of the bowl.

Set a medium saute pan over medium high heat, lift the leeks from the water, drain and add them to the pan. Season with salt and cook, stirring often for about 5 minutes. As the leeks begin to soften, lower the heat to medium-low. The leeks will release liquid. Stir in the butter to emulsify, and season with pepper and taste. Cover the pan with a parchment lid and cook stirring every 10 minutes, until the leeks are very soft 30 to 35 minutes. If at any point the butter breaks or looks oily, stir in about a tablespoon of water to re-emulsify the sauce. Remove and discard parchment lid.

Meanwhile, spread the bread cubes on a baking sheet and toast in the over for about 20 mins, rotating the pan about halfway through until dry and pale gold. Transfer to a large bowl. Leave the oven on.

Add the leeks to the bread and toss well, then add the chives and the thyme. Lightly whisk the eggs in another large bowl. Whisk the milk, cream, a generous pinch of salt, pepper to taste and a pinch of nutmeg.

Sprinkle 1/4 cup of cheese in the bottom of a 9x13 inch baking pan. Spread half the leeks and the croutons in the pan and sprinkle with another 1/4 cup of cheese. Scatter the remaining leeks and croutons over and top with another 1/4 cup of cheese. Pour in enough of the custard mixture to cover the bread and press gently on the bread so that it soaks in the milk. Let soak for about 15 minutes. Add the remaining custard, allowing some of the soaked cubes of bread to protrude. Sprinkle the remaining 1/4 cup cheese on top and sprinkle with salt.

Bake for 1 1/2 hours or until the pudding feels set and the top is brown and bubbling. Yum!

Dangerous Territory

2010-04-03T16:30:00.000-07:00

"You're walking through a landmine and you're about to have your leg blown off."

This what Kate said to me the other day.

It was a valiant attempt to steer me away from making the not so healthy decision to go away Friday night (to New Hampshire, where else?!) with the NH#2 who has been around for the last couple of months and is most likely going to being a whole lotta nothing (and inevitably put me in a pretty sucky place in a few months when I already have some sucky things to look forward to i.e Tony's love child...oh wait, it's not a love child if you decide to have a quickie wedding in a matter of three weeks, right?) I have no doubt that she is frustrated with me and my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad (and somewhat irresponsible) decision making as of late (this is most likely due to the fact that I have not taken an ounce of her advice along the way, despite the fact that she is going to end up being the one who listens to me whine and cry when it's over.) However, in my stupid desire to make something into more than what it is, I decided to go.

Now I realize this is a very bad path to be tumbling down, mostly because he has already seemed to make it pretty clear that it's going to be over at some point prior to him leaving for residency (when, I don't know, so don't ask!) Unfortunately, it is also a very difficult path to crawl back up, especially when you don't want to. To make matters worse, it was a fantastic 28 hrs--relaxing and fun and pretty much just all around great. Crap. Trust me, I wish it was disasterous. It would make life so much easier, especially since I know I should really end things (I can't even say break up cause I'm pretty sure we're not really together) now in an effort to protect myself.

Anyway, so here I am, (completely toppled over by the feeling of deja vu--only with the shoe on the other foot--and convinced that it's karma) just trying my best not to get my leg blown off.

Undoing

2010-03-31T06:12:00.001-07:00

As I continue to try to keep all of these laws in the forefront of my brain, I can't help but think about all the things I have done in the past. I have not always been known for making good decisions, especially when it comes to relationships. I over think things, analyze stuff to death and then somehow end up in the same place I started. Stuck (or drunk and ridiculous, whichever comes first.) I end up hurting myself, hurting others and just feeling generally shitty about things all around. So I guess as I go through one failed "relationship" after another post Tony I can't help but wonder if it is karma coming back to bite me in the ass.

I have been thinking about this ever since I went to a Shaman last year who said something about my karma--- he didn't say it was bad, but I think he definitely implied that I needed to fix it up a bit (although this is also the guy who brought up Dave the Lawyer about 50 times and said that could work out... um... wrong on that one Shaman Lloyd!!) Anyway, so how do you undo what you've done in the past? Don't get me wrong, it's not like I've killed anyone or anything, but I definitely don't think that I've always been honest or always thought about the other person first. In fact, if I'm really being truthful, I think I am somewhat of an emotion based person, so that I don't always think about my actions or the consequences that may arise from these decisions beforehand... call me a girl, but that's just what I do. I guess the point is though, that that's not exactly how I would like to be going forward. So, the question remains, how do I get back to having a clean slate?

Maybe it's not possible, maybe I just have to try to make good choices from now on. I would like to think I try to be a nice person. Sure, when I am in a good mood, I tend to be a little more altruistic, but I mean in general as well. I mean I am a social worker for God's sake. It is my job to help people! Shouldn't that give me fantastic karma in itself? Apparently not. Or maybe the relationship karma is different from life karma. Who knows... All I know is that it's either me or karma that's screwing up my love life (or lack thereof.) I should do something about that.

**Now all of that being said, it's not like I am out hunting for a husband or anything....that would just be pathetic (not judging those of you who are...well, maybe a little...) But despite all of my feelings around Tony, what I have realized from what has been going on with New Hampshire Guy #2 is that I am finally ready to be in another relationship. Sure, it's super scary and I have definitely been seriously scarred by Tony, but I guess if you find someone you like enough then it's worth it right? (unless of course he doesn't feel like it's worth it, which seems to be in the process of happening with NH#2, and then it sucks and you are me. ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH) Grrr, Karma....**

The Third Law

2010-03-27T07:46:00.000-07:00

The Third Law of Success is "The Law of Karma." Most of us know what Karma means... I think about a lot as I am driving actually-- sometimes when I am raging about idiots on the road and the fact that someone won't let me in, even though I just let someone into my lane a few minutes ago. WTF? (Although I am guilty of it myself from time to time...ah, Karma...) I also think about relationship Karma...like what did I do to deserve the fact that everyone I like moves to New Hampshire??? But I digress....

"The Law of Karma" as Chopra sees it is in the action of conscious choice making. “The best way to understand and maximize the use of karmic law is to become consciously aware of the choices we are making in every moment.” In my opinion, this is more easily said than done. Coming from someone who barely tastes the second bowl of cereal being shoved in my mouth... well, lets just say mindfulness is obviously not my forte. This is not about food though, this is about everything. Literally. Chopra makes a good point; Think about this: “If I were to insult you, you would most likely make the choice of being offended. If I were to pay you a compliment, you would most likely make the choice of being pleased or flattered. But it’s still a choice.” It’s an interesting way to look at it, because in reality he’s right. We don’t have to get mad about an insult, it’s our choice to let it affect us.

It feels like an extremely blurry line to me though. I am a person who has a lot of difficulty identifying my emotions/shift in mood and attributing it to a trigger. I have gotten better about it (who knew that seeing a frozen waffle could make me think of Tony and get depressed?! Ridiculous.) Sure, it’s a choice I am making to be upset by the Costco size bag of Kashi cardboard-like waffles that have been sitting in my freezer for a year and a half, but it’s not like I want to be sad about it. So I guess that is my question. Can you make a choice to not experience a feeling anymore, and is that what Chopra is saying? I mean I can tell myself to snap out of it and go do something to distract me, but it’s not like I can just stop myself from feeling that way... right?

Anyway, I will attempt to put "The Law of Karma" into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:

1. Today I will witness the choices I make in each moment. And in the mere witnessing of these choices I will bring them to my conscious awareness. I will know the best way to prepare for any moment is to be fully conscious in the present. (This will be hard for me since I think I deal with things by not thinking about them...NOT effective BTW)

2. Whenever I make a choice I will ask myself two questions: "What are the consequences of this choice that I am making?" and "Will it bring fulfillment and happiness to me and also to those who are affected by this choice?"

3. I will ask my heart for guidance and be guided by it's message of comfort or discomfort. If the choice feels comfortable, then I will plunge ahead with abandon. If the choice feels uncomfortable, I will pause and see the consequences of my action with my inner vision. This guidance will enable me to make spontaneously correct choices for myself and all those around me.

Random Thought

2010-03-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

It's interesting, I go through my days focusing on the bad stuff that happens, but when I actually take the time to think about the happiest parts of my day, well they are there, so why don't I ascribe more worth to them? In many ways they balance out the parts of my day that suck. Hmmm... something to think about.

Happiest part of my day: knowing that I have friends who think about me and care about me despite all of my insanities. That and getting a pedicure!

Mantras

2010-03-23T07:41:00.000-07:00

I have been continuing to struggle through the meditation. I don't know that it is doing much for me yet, but it's hard to stay consistent with it, which I am sure is contributing to the lack of effect. My friend Leslie gave me some advice though and said that I should come up with a mantra by taking something I don't believe about myself, making it positive, and saying it while I meditate. She suggested that I start with the basic mantra, "I love and approve of myself" and adding on to it. So my mantra is "I love and approve of myself, I am smart and I am confident." It feels silly saying it to yourself, and to be honest, kind of lame. But I am doing it in hopes that the more I say it the more I will believe it. What is your mantra?

Did You Know...

2010-03-21T05:38:00.000-07:00

That there are multiple months known as Friendship Month? Apparently International Friendship Month is in February. But if you are not in the business of being worldly, then you can wait until November and celebrate National Friendship Month instead. If you choose to be strictly ethnocentric and you are German American, you could even celebrate German American Friendship Month in October...but you also have to be from Michigan. Wow, that is very specific. National Women's Friendship Month is in September. If you don't have enough time to devote an entire month to celebrating your friends, then you could just say "you're awesome!" on August 1st (3 days before my birthday and just a fabulous month in general) which is National Friendship Day.

Unfortunately for me, It is not February (guess I missed the boat on that one...) Clearly it is not November or September (Yay Spring!!!!!!!!) And happily, I don't live in Michigan so that's out too. So today I have decided is "Joy's Friendship Day." With all of these 'official this' and 'national thats,' it doesn't seem hard to make a day into a special one, so "Joy's Friendship Day" it is! (Side Note: Can you tell I have no idea what the difference is between " and this ' is yet? If anyone would like to enlighten me, please do so. Oh super-smart-English-person-extraordinaire Kendra, I know you're reading this!)

Inspired by my continuous reading of the Seven Spiritual Laws of Success (you totally thought I had abandoned this month and forgotten about that book didn't you??) I realized that I am not nearly as grateful for the things in my life as I should be. However, there is one thing that I am always eternally grateful for and those are my friends. Many of them (especially my college friends :( ) I don't talk to nearly enough as I should but I always know there are there and I can just pick up where we left off at any given moment. Some, who live close by, I don't see nearly enough. And as for everyone else...well, I apologize for my incessant over-analyzation and paranoia of everything relationships and boy(s). Seriously, I am like a 15 year old girl. It's pathetic. Anyway, each of you have your own wonderful qualities and I am sure I don't tell you all enough how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate all of your support--especially throughout this last year. So here it is: Thank you. I am so very grateful for all of your late-night talks, impromptu drinks, reassuring words, much needed distractions, general hilarities and of course, all attempts to keep me from having a meltdown at any given moment. I do hope that I am able to show you how much you all mean to me from time to time (you know, by baking a pie or forcing you to come over for brunch or something,) but if not, thanks again, I love you all!

New Hampshire and I are NOT Friends...and Other Stuff.

2010-03-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't written all week. I am aware of this and I apologize. It has not been a good one....my week that is. I am trying very hard to look at the positive and there do seem to be a few bright spots which I will start with before I go into my diatribe about New Hampshire.

--This past weekend my mom came to visit. My mom visiting was not so much the bright spot. The sushi we ate was. Yum.

--Monday: I completed a pair of earrings in my jewelry making class that I actually really like and think I will wear.

--Tuesday: The sun made me happy even though I didn't get to enjoy it. Leslie came over to drink some much needed wine, that was a good way to end my otherwise crappy day.

--Wednesday: I had a great date/dinner (lobster mac & cheese!!) and lots of (even more needed) drinks.

--Thursday: bbbbbbbblllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. New Hampshire sucks. Running/ walking with Kate and Biggie, getting my first blackberry, sugar/carbo-loading (see: emotional eating,) and bookclub made my otherwise grey day slightly better.

See, I can be positive. And I'll try to keep the negativity to a minimum. The short version is that basically all the boys in my life eventually get sucked into the black hole known as New Hampshire and never come back, (well, at least not for three to five years.) And it's not, oh, 45 mins away Nashua or something, no, it's like 2 hours, 3 hours away New Hampshire. I mean what did I do to New Hampshire? Is there some sort of karmic something or other at work here? WTF. I just don't get it. This BLOWS. A lot.

Work has also been hard and is sucking the life out of me this week. I don't want to talk about it. It has sucked almost as much as the New Hampshire thing and that was terrible news. Plus I have fallen off the meditation wagon, although I am working (not that hard) to get back on it. Maybe this weekend.... okay I'm off to try to get myself out of this funk I'm in.

Hahaha can you believe there is actually a mousepad out there like this?!?! Awesome.

We Are All Getting Old

2010-03-14T05:29:00.000-07:00

It's my friend Lauren's 30th birthday today. Lauren is my most favorite friend. She is super thoughtful, fun, loyal and throws the best parties ever! I was supposed to go to Vegas to celebrate with her but I didn't end up making it :( I'm guessing it would have been a far superior time to avoiding the rain all weekend. Love you Galletta!!!

Food Glorious Food!

2010-03-11T12:54:00.000-08:00

My short ribs turned out to be quite yummy and I think the new (unofficial) boy enjoyed them as well :) I wish I had been organized enough to take pics and show the progression of creating delicious-ness, but unfortunately I was not. If you are interested in creating your own short ribs (for a boy, a girl, or just for yourself) here is the recipe I used.

Also, I really want to make this, anyone want to come over for brunch this weekend????

Totally stole this pic from Smitten Kitchen. Doesn't it look delicious? I promise I'll post my own pics if I find any takers this weekend!

The happiest part of my day remains to be seen, although chatting with my friend Sara at work today was pretty great so that may count (it's only 4pm.) It is nice to know that there are other people out there who are as neurotic and crazy as me. Thanks Sara!!

Realizations

2010-03-10T08:27:00.001-08:00

So this morning I was at Whole Foods buying short ribs for the dinner I am super excited about making tonight and all of a sudden I felt strange... this unfamiliar feeling of... happiness. Weird, right? I mean especially with yesterday's feelings o' crap. But it just sort of hit me. For a second I thought to myself 'well this is bizarre, I guess I should take advantage of it while it lasts.' But then I thought, wait, that's an awfully negative way of thinking about it. I can just be happy. Maybe it's the potential new boy, or the meditation, or the weather... who knows but for today that's what happening. Yay!

The happiest part of my day: realizing that today was the first day I've felt genuinely happy in about...well, I have no idea... it's been a looooooooong time.

...

2010-03-09T12:49:00.000-08:00

Today is Tony's 30th birthday. I have tried very hard to distract myself. Working for 12 hours helped, but I'll be honest, the driving in between was not fun. Too many hours of ignoring the radio and getting stuck in my own thoughts. Sucked. That's all I've got.

No happy parts to my day today :(

Life Throbbing

2010-03-07T18:04:00.000-08:00

I enjoyed the life throb today. Hahahaha. Oh man, I crack myself up. Okay, maybe I should take this a little more seriously... For real now: Today was another beautiful day and I took advantage of it by walking throughout the entirety of Boston. In these shoes:

Believe it or not, I did not want to die. Well, at least not in the first 2 hours... What?! I was on a date and wanted to look cute! I had no idea we were going to walk all over Hell and creation. I am not complaining though. It was amazing out and I love walking, in these shoes or not.

Anyway, happiest part of my day: The weather. I don't think that the winter brings me down, but warm(er) weather surely brings me up!

Tomorrow I am going to an all day training at a super scary hospital. It is so creepy and totally looks like a real old school psych hospital. Eek!

A Very Good Day(s)

2010-03-06T13:13:00.000-08:00

The happiest part of my (Fri)day: There were lots of excellent parts to this day-- I went to yoga, I cleaned the apartment, I met up with friends at Peet's(whose coffee far surpasses Starbucks,) got a little bit of paperwork done, My roommate drove me downtown for my date (so I wouldn't have to take the T,) for which the company, not to mention dinner, drinks and the Improv were fantastic. Yay for good days (and dates!)

Saturday is shaping up to look pretty good as well... SO happy it's sunny and wonderful out!!

P.S Happy Birthday Jaclyn! See you tonight!

Law Numero Dos

2010-03-05T18:33:00.000-08:00

The second law is the "Law of Giving." This law discusses the importance of giving and receiving and why it is necessary to keep wellness and affluence circulating in life. According to Chopra, it is the intention behind the giving and receiving that is the most important thing.

"The intention should always be to create happiness for the giver and receiver, because happiness is life supporting and life sustaining and generates increase. The return is directly proportional when it is given from the heart...Practicing the Law of Giving is actually very simple: if you want joy, give joy to others; if you want love, learn to give love; if you want attention and appreciation, learn to give attention and appreciation; if you want material affluence, help others to become materially affluent."

So in following the Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, I will put the "Law of Giving" into effect by making the following commitment to take the following steps:

1. Wherever I go, and whoever I encounter I will bring them a gift. This gift may be a compliment, a flower or a prayer. Today I will give something to everyone I come into contact with and so I will begin the process of circulating joy, wealth and affluence in my life and the life of others.

2. Today I will gratefully receive all the gifts that life has to offer me. I will receive the gifts of nature: sunlight and the sound of birds singing (good thing Spring is almost here!) or the Spring showers or the first snow of Winter. I will also be open to receiving from others, whether that be in the form of a material gift, money, a compliment or a prayer.

3. I will make a commitment to keep wealth circulating in my life bye giving a receiving life's most precious gifts: the gifts of caring, affection appreciation and love. Each time I meet someone, I will silently wish them happiness, joy & laughter.

Morning Cuddles

2010-03-04T07:13:00.000-08:00

Today was a bit uneventful. However, by default, the happiest part of my day is usually being woken up by the pups in the morning (okay, not the initial 6am we-really-have-to-pee wake up, the second one at a more reasonable time.) They somehow always manage to seem so cuddly and happy to see me even when they have been taking over the bed and basically sleeping on my head all night. Oh puppies... :)

My Triumphant Return to Anna's!

2010-03-03T13:02:00.000-08:00

The happiest part of my day: eating Anna's Tacqueria for the first time in 8 months. Yum!!! It was a good food day :)

I would love to pawn this pic off as my own, but unfortunately I stole it from

someone.

Are you drooling yet?

Blaaaaaaahhh...

2010-03-02T18:02:00.001-08:00

Okay, can I just say, meditating is not easy, but it is especially not easy when you are sick. I know I said I was sick yesterday but I realized in my 15 minutes this evening that I probably shouldn't have gone to work this morning since I am far sicker today. Yesterday I could breathe through one nostril at least. Today, I had neither to work with. Not being able to breathe made it harder to focus on...well, my breathing. So my mind went off on a little tangent today, mostly about what I was going to say in my blog posting about how hard it was to meditate when I was sick. Of course, I don't remember that little internal conversation now that I am actually blogging about it... something about being congested literally and figuratively. I don't know. It sounded good at the time. I just remember that my attempt at meditating was so rudely interrupted by a combination of my dogs barking at nothing and my wonderfully runny nose, which forced me to move from my meditative position to wipe it away. Anyway, tonight was not successful and I opened my eyes one minute before my alarm went off. Don't even talk to me about law number two right now since I didn't do it today. Okay, I'm off to bed at 9:30. I feel like crap.

The happiest part of my day: Taking a two hour nap!!

Update

2010-03-01T17:04:00.000-08:00

So I meditated for 15 minutes tonight and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. The first few minutes I thought about how long 15 minutes was going to be but I was able to push that out of my head pretty quickly. The rest of the time, I just focused on my breathing until at some point Tuffy started licking his paw. I was pretty distracted from then on out, but I tried to make my breathing louder so I wouldn't hear it as much. Overall the time went by pretty fast which I was really surprised about. I guess I am not exactly sure what it is going to do for me, but maybe as the days go on, we will find out.

I did not convene with nature today, but I took the dogs on a walk to CVS. Most of this experience was pretty foggy however as my head is still pretty stuffed up so I don't think that really counted.

I do need to be more mindful of the judgement thing though. I am pretty sure that pops up way more than it should.

Did I forget to mention that I am also planning on documenting the happiest part of my day every day this month? I think I did. Anyway, here it is:

The happiest part of my day: reading "The Happiness Project" in my bed, snuggling with Tuffy as Biggie lay his little head on my foot.

MARCHing Towards Meditation

2010-03-01T07:31:00.000-08:00

As I said in my last post, for the month of March, I plan on following the principles of the book The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra. Even though I am not a particularly spiritual person, and certainly not religious, I do think that I have started to feel as though I am seeking something--something to make sense of the way things have turned out in my life. I recognize that my experiences could definitely have been far more traumatic and I am not trying to undermine the incredibly difficult situations that other people have gone through by whining about my own (in fact, I often feel quite guilty about that.) However, happiness is something that I feel that I have never truly had a good grasp of, something that I have been seeking all my life.

Granted, in The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Chopra does not speak of happiness specifically. However, he does discuss his perspective on the attainment of success: "Once we understand our true nature and learn to live in harmony with natural law, a sense of well-being, good health, fulfilling relationships, energy and enthusiasm for life and material abundance will spring forth easily and effortlessly." Now it is clear that Chopra's goal with this book is to help others find material abundance. While I am not turning that down(!), my main goal here is not to attain material abundance, it is to attain success.

Success is a pretty subjective term though. To me, success is about finding contentment in my life and learning to be happy with what I have, while still wanting to improve myself. Success is about liking my job and living comfortably without having to worry about money too much (ideally in a place where I don't have to take all of my cookware out of the oven before I want to bake something!) Success is having people in my life who care enough to view our relationships as a priority; People who are willing to work with me on communicating and improving our relationship, instead of letting it slip away. So in an attempt to find some semblance of success and happiness in my life (large kitchen or not) here goes March!

So here's the plan: Given that there are seven laws and coincidentally also seven days in a week, I am going to apply one new law every day, compounding them as the days go on until I am following all seven laws by the end of the week. UPDATE: This is impossible....although I'm guessing it seems more so since I'm sick, but I am going to apply a new law every four days. We'll see how it goes from there.

Law #1: The Law of Pure Potentiality

"This law is based on the fact that in our essential state, we are pure consciousness." According to Chopra, "when you discover your essential nature and know who you really are, in that knowing yourself is the ability to fulfill any dream you have because you are the eternal possibility, the immeasurable potential of all that was, is, and will be." This sounds to me awfully similar to "Be Joy" (or Gretchen as it may be.) In fact (and not to go off on a tangent here) I think a lot of these books are virtually expressing the same things in different ways. But I digress, Chopra discusses the struggle between the Self and the Object, between your internal spirit and external need to control things out of fear (umm... I can definitely relate with the latter, relationship issues, anyone?) So in order to quiet this struggle and put "The Law of Pure Potentiality" into effect, I will make a commitment to take the following steps:

1. I will get in touch with the field of pure potentiality by taking time each day to be silent, to just be. I will also sit alone in silent meditation at least twice a day for approximately 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening. (This is significantly cut down from what Chopra suggests--two hours(!!!!) a day. That is a looooong freaking time, and as far as I'm concerned 15 mins will be a long time too, but we all gotta start somewhere.)

2. I will take time to commune with nature and to silently witness the intelligence of every living thing. I will sit silently and watch a sunset or listen to the sound of the ocean or stream, or simply smell the scent of a flower. In the ecstasy of my own silence and by communing with nature, I will enjoy the life throb (life throb?!?) of the ages, the field of pure potentiality and unbounded creativity. (Okay, that one was a little much for me...maybe I could just cuddle with my pups? Does that count?)

3. I will practice non-judgement. I will begin my day with the statement, "Today I shall judge nothing that occurs" and throughout the day I will remind myself not to judge. (This one I believe will be the most difficult for me, not in terms of judging other people... I am pretty much paid not to judge other people. In terms of judging myself though, honestly I think judging myself is so deeply ingrained I don't even know when I am doing it half the time. Apparently, "by constantly evaluating, classifying, labeling, and analyzing I am creating a lot of turbulence in my internal dialogue" I will also totally believe that. I go back and forth so often, I have no idea what I'm thinking at all. It's terrible.)

Off to meditate-- wish me luck!

Progress?

2010-02-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

If I look back over the last two months and think about what I have accomplished, I could probably say "nothing" more easily than I would like to admit. However, being that 2010 is the year in which I am going to be more positive, lets take a look at the things I have figured out:

1. I will never be a jewelry maker. Why, you ask? Well, that brings us to revelation #2

2. I lack a little thing called "frustration tolerance." Okay, this is not a revelation. I have known this for a long time. It makes me way more angry than necessary, but luckily for the people around me (not so much for the dishwasher or garbage can) it is usually directed at inanimate objects or myself, neither of which is particularly healthy. Sometimes I need to just take some deep breaths and walk away.

3. I love yoga. HATE the gym. Miss running :(

4. I have no discipline when it comes to losing weight. This is not an issue of being hungry, this is about managing my emotions. Getting drunk and eating an entire box of macaroni and cheese and two cupcakes is not going to make me feel better about life.

5. I do have discipline if I have a clear cut goal that I am working towards (i.e 31 in 31.)

6. Facebook is not the problem. The Internet is.

7. There is a part of me that is absolutely terrified to get into another relationship. This is not a good thing.

8. On the other hand, I have discovered that I am one resilient cookie. (Seriously, I feel like if I was able to make it through the last few months without having a complete breakdown, I can pretty much make it through anything)

9. I have not yet kicked the negativity habit since most of these are negative despite my attempt at being positive. Ha.

10.I'm pretty sure most of my issues occur because I am not living in the present. I am constantly dwelling over the past or thinking about ways to sabotage my future (not consciously of course.) I am pretty sure that 70% of my life is spent in a distracted, mindless state.

Which brings me to next month's challenge. My friend Leslie, who is currently in teacher training at Prana was assigned a bunch of books for her class, one of which was The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra. She so generously bought me a copy in an attempt to help me on my quest to make this the "Year of Joy." So I will be following the laws of the book for the month of March while also incorporating yoga back into my life more consistently.... grains were a lost cause. More tomorrow on what this all means. I am feeling like crappy and stuffy and sick. Off to bed!

Writer's Block

2010-02-26T07:52:00.001-08:00

If you can't tell, I have been struggling to write on my blog lately. I think this is partially due to the fact that my challenge(s) for February have not been that exciting. The whole not eating grains thing was just a disaster and not going on Facebook...well, what is there to say about that? I haven't even made anything particularly delicious lately (unless you count the chocolate chip cookies I made... crap! I could have written about that!)

If I'm being honest though, there is a small part of me that sort of wonders why I am posting these entries at all. I mean I suppose I am doing it for me-- telling myself that these postings are to help document the challenges that I am doing. But the challenges are not turning out to be super successful and like I said, half the time they are not that exciting anyway. I'm not going on Facebook. Yay. See, not that exciting.

Okay, that was not totally honest, just partially.... warning: I am about to say something kind of dumb and borderline pathetic, so just bear with me for just a second.... *whine* It feels like no one out there is reading this (which I know is not true, I force my roommate to read it every time I post something! Ha.)

If that is the case though, then is it worth it to only write for myself? I mean isn't that a bit self-indulgent? I mean who cares if I don't eat grains or go to yoga every day? On the other hand, if I was really concerned about people reading this, wouldn't I put it on Facebook or make it more public etc. etc.? So part of me also feels like I don't know if I want to people to read it. And the other part says I do, I definitely do. Sometimes it all feels sort of funny too though, especially since I feel like I write about stuff (namely my feelings around Tony) that feels very raw to me and not easy to share otherwise. Anyway, who knows...I think I am just in a funk and feeling sort of angry and blah for no apparent reason. Plus I felt bad I hadn't posted anything all week, so this is what I've got. At least we're heading into the weekend... Blind date tonight, cross your fingers!

Things to Consider

2010-02-22T05:07:00.000-08:00

Last night Kate and I went to a show called "A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant & A Prayer: Writings to Stop Violence against Women & Girls." Despite the fact that I'm pretty sure they didn't have the heat on at The Armory and I was so cold I was practically in the fetal position, it was really great. The show was made up of a collection of monologues, songs, and poems written by widely acclaimed authors and playwrights and it discussed the impact of violence against women in the world. It was edited by Eve Ensler of "The Vagina Monologues" and Mollie Doyle who did what, I don't know.

The thing about topics like this is that it seems to me that many people are not aware of what is going on, whether they choose not to be, or they are just oblivious I don't know. More often than I would like to admit, I can include myself in this category. I listen to NPR but usually for the interviews, book reviews or human interest pieces. I read the Boston Globe or The New York Times but usually skip to the to Lifestyle or Food section. I watch the news but it's usually just on in the background when I am doing something else. The point is, that as much as I would like to consider myself to be a fairly intelligent and aware individual, I don't really know that I am. The question is, why? Why are there so many people out there who have no idea what is going on around them? Is it because they feel like they can't do anything, because they don't want to know, because they don't care? Now I wouldn't say that I don't care, but unfortunately I can certainly understand why people feel so overwhelmed or sad or scared that they would rather just ignore it all.

I don't talk about my job very often on this blog, mostly because I feel like I shouldn't air my clients' crap on the Internet. For those of you who don't know, I am a clinical social worker and I do a mix of outpatient and intensive home based therapy with adults, adolescents and families. Anyway, most of the people that I work with are pretty unhealthy, mentally, that is. In a lot of ways it is very sad, but it can also be very frustrating and overwhelming. Oftentimes it feels like I am talking to a wall, or just repeating myself over and over and over again. I think to myself, I got into this field to help others and it feels like I am doing absolutely nothing. Throughout the six months (or so) that I work with my clients, I rarely see any big changes. Coming from someone who so often only sees the negative, it is incredibly difficult not to blame it on myself, not to think that I am the one who sucks and not doing my job correctly. I am sure it is not just me who feels like a broken record though, my supervisors tell me constantly to focus on the small changes-- that many of my clients don't have the capacity to make a complete turn-around, that they have been struggling with these issues for so many years and have had so many therapists in their lives that I can't put all of the pressure on myself. They often use the pickle jar analogy: one person tries to open the pickle jar, but it doesn't work, so you hand it to the next person and the next, each person loosening the jar a little bit each time until it finally opens and hopefully a change has been made.

My long-winded point (which is related to the original topic at hand, I promise) is that despite my frustrations, despite the fact that working with my clients can feel like its going nowhere, it doesn't mean that it is going nowhere. At the end of the show, I have to admit, there was a part of me that thought to myself, what is the point of talking and getting the issue out there when in reality, the only people who are listening are the people who care about this topic to begin with. It's not like the rapists or the abusive spouses or the Dafurian government are out there hearing people talk about these injustices and thinking to themselves, "gee I should probably stop." Now before you chastise me on this, I know that thought is a bit ridiculous, because then why would anyone bother trying to change anything? Why would I bother with my clients? Why wouldn't I just give up on them and say that they are a lost cause. Because all this time, my supervisors were right (shocking, I know) it is about the small changes. For every additional person who thinks or talk about the topic of violence against women (or any other topic of importance for that matter,) that is one more person who may feel inspired to get help for themselves, to protest, to reach out to a friend, to volunteer, to donate or just to start a conversation.

Like I said, I am not always the most informed person out there. Unfortunately I often make the choice not to be because it sometimes feels like too much, like there is so much out there that needs to change, what can one person do? But my point is that one person can lead to two and two people can lead to four and so on... I can't say that I am going to go out there and jump right in and change the world (to be honest, I feel like I am already trying my best to help the people that I can help) but I can certainly work harder to be gather knowledge and to start conversations and to get people thinking. If you want to get informed check out these links:

Getting heard can make a difference

Violence against women fact sheet

Women's Rights

**V-Day is a global movement to end violence against women and girls that raises funds and awareness through benefit productions of playwright/ founder, Eve Ensler's award winning play "The Vagina Monologues" and other artistic works. For more information go to vday.org**

On another related note, Kate and I are participating in the Walk For Change. Join us (and Tuffy & Biggie-- you can bring your dogs!! Yay!) or support us in our efforts to help the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center take a step towards ending sexual violence.

So Far I'm Good.

2010-02-20T19:15:00.000-08:00

With Facebook that is. Only one more week left. So far the only time I went on it was to write a friend back about plans because I didn't have her phone number. On that one occasion did I nothing else. I didn't even waste my time reading my news feed! However, I don't know that I have done anything else productive with my time, which was the whole point of me giving up Facebook in the first place. I did a crossword puzzle today, does that count? I haven't felt like I have really needed to check it though and after getting over the hump of my first day struggle, I haven't been feeling like I am missing out on anything. So I'm happy about that. I guess I just need to be more proactive about doing stuff other than being on the computer in the first place-- that it is less about Facebook, more about the Internet in general, but obviously I can't cut that out of my life. Anyway, my chronic dry eye is kicking in and I can't freaking see anything but blurs on the page, so I'm going to bed. Good night all!

As a side note, I think I have met my soulmate in negativity. Maybe two negatives can somehow make a positive? Here's hoping!

Checking Things Off the List... and Rants

2010-02-19T08:07:00.000-08:00

I did it! I did the crow! I mean I have done it before, but I have never felt like I was in control of it. I have always felt like at any minute I was going to go crashing into the floor, which as we all know has happened multiple times before. Today though I was able to maintain my balance and stay up. I think it's going to take me a while to stay up for as long as most people are in the pose for, (which I think probably ends up being about 30 seconds--this seems short, but trust me it's not) but it's a start! Anyway I was so excited, I seriously almost jumped up in class. I managed to keep myself under control though. So that is my exciting news for the day. Yay!

Here is the proof in the form of a picture of my lovely ass for all the Internet to see-- in my Tuffy pants no less. I decided to spare you all from the mismatching color selection of my outfit by editing this pic to b&w.

Crow: you have been defeated. Yesssssssssssssssssssssssss! :)

In other news, I have a bit of a gripe to speak of. Last night my friend Liz and I went to Third Thursdays at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum (this is an event where people go, check out the museum and enjoy tasty cocktails and snacks while wandering around listening to the DJ in the courtyard.) As we are sitting there, chatting about boys and work and life, who do I see, but Dave! Now many of you may not know who this is because I dated him (and I use that term very loosely) briefly a few months ago, but for those of you who need a memory jog, he was the lawyer dude who went to Harvard and had been on Jeopardy(!) We had seen each other for about a month and a half, but unfortunately things ended up losing momentum and falling apart. At the time I was definitely disappointed because I did like him, but there was so much other crap going on, that the end of this "relationship" was completely overshadowed by the other stuff. Anyway, so there he is coming down the corridor with this girl. I see him, and I am positive that he sees me, and what does he do? He avoids eye contact!!!! Okay, I am not a completely irrational person. I get that he is with a girl. I am not looking to cramp his style, but first of all, he was walking behind her, if he said hi or made eye contact, she never would have seen. Second of all, I wasn't even really looking for a "hi" I was looking for maybe a head nod or some sort of acknowledgement, but nothing! WTF. I was so annoyed...clearly. I mean it's not like we ended things on a bad note, it was pretty mutual. Believe it or not, am not totally crazy, I would not have tried to rekindle things or start a conversation with him right there, but to not even act like he knew who I was, that I have a problem with. I don't understand, what is so hard about just being a decent person?! I really just thought it was sort of obnoxious, but I suppose boys are sort of dumb in that way. At least that's what I try to tell myself. UGH! Rant ends.

Inspiration

2010-02-18T06:09:00.000-08:00

I think I am lacking it this week...this month actually. After the grain challenge fell to the wayside, I've had little motivation to start something else, or I have just put little thought into it. I mean challenging myself on an alternative issue for the remainder of the month has passed into my brain somewhat sporadically, but not enough for me to sit down and come up with the terms of the challenge. Instead, I have settled back into my usual lifestyle which consists of looking up random stuff on-line, wasting time on Facebook doing what, I don't know.... hmm... which gives me an idea. Maybe I'll give up Facebook for the last two weeks of February! Okay, last week and a half -- that would be a pretty big challenge. I wonder if I would feel like I was totally out of touch with the outside world. I wonder how much more I can get done when I'm not f'in around on it. Loads, I'm guessing-- all that time that would be better spent reading or taking the dogs for a walk or writing in my blog (which apologetically I admit I have been slacking on.) I'm acting like this is a big revelation. It's not like I haven't thought about it before, but I guess it would be good to put into action. Maybe then I can talk about all the awesome things I am doing when I am not on Facebook (one can only hope.) Okay, so that's what I'm doing. Starting now. Oh man, I am already starting to freak a bit.... sad.

Puppy Love is Always Enough

2010-02-14T08:12:00.001-08:00

Valentine's Day is a day for celebrating love and there is nothing I love more than my pups.

Not only are they always excited to see me, but I get to wake up to this every morning:

They keep my feet warm too!

So today I decided to return the favor and make them home made treats--try them out for your own pups!

Peanut Butter Biscuits
2 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup wheat germ
1 cup peanut butter
1 egg
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup water
1/2 teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Combine flour wheat germ and salt in large bowl then mix in peanut butter, egg oil and water.
Roll dough out onto a lightly floured surface till about 1/2 inch thick, then cut out the biscuits using a cookie cutter -- (or make squares).
Put the biscuits onto an ungreased baking sheet. Bake 15 mins for the smaller sized cookies and up to 35 mins for larger ones
Place on baking rack to cool
Enjoy!

Also, Happy Chinese New Year everyone!!

Remember Love

2010-02-14T06:23:00.000-08:00

Tony came over to pick up the rest of his stuff yesterday. It was terrible, miserable at best. I haven't seen him since August, which was way before he dropped the bomb of a lifetime on me. Throughout the morning I told myself I wasn't going to cry... but unfortunately, that was just a ridiculous expectation. As a not so shocking result, I ended up feeling shitty for the rest of the day. Even when I went to see the movie Valentine's Day with my friend Molly (note to self: romantic comedies are not a great pick when feeling like a complete disaster) I couldn't seem to shake it. However, by then I had already committed to spending the rest of the evening at home feeling sorry for myself, so I did and continued with my current read, "The Happiness Project."

In this book, the author, like me, divided her resolutions into months and tried to tackle them over the course of a year (just for the record, I did not hear about this book until after I started "The Year of Joy" so my project is not an attempt to copy hers.) I was on the month of February where her resolution was to "remember love" and to try to improve things in her marriage. Great. Regardless, I decided to push on through the pages to see what she had to say. While I was reading the chapter though, I couldn't help but to underline the pieces of information that I felt were important to remember. It was as if I was working towards something that Tony and I could fix together. For a moment, I thought to myself, 'oh maybe that's what I should do, I should be nicer, I should show more affection, I should let some things go!' But then I came back to reality and remembered that he is married with a kid on the way. It's as if I still can't believe it. As if I am still thinking to myself, well if I only tried this then it would work, things would be different. But there is no one left to experiment on, no one left to work with, just myself.

Perhaps that was part of the problem the whole time...I know that it is pointless to try to change other people, that the only person you can really change is yourself. However, I think I was working to change myself in the wrong way. I was too self-absorbed, too focused on what was wrong with me as the individual, not me as part of the relationship. Theoretically, I suppose they should be one in the same, but I was so terrified of losing myself as an independent person, that maybe I didn't end up giving him enough of me. Regardless of whether or not Tony and I made the right choices, we will never know. However, for the rest of you out there, I hope that this posting has helped you to remember that even though sometimes it can be hard to put up with your significant other, it is important not to take them for granted and it's never a bad time to "remember love."

***On a positive note, I hear the unfamiliar sound of birds outside my window-- does that mean spring is coming soon??? I hope so!***

It's Official!

2010-02-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

I've stopped falling off the wagon and just taken myself off of it. I am eating carbs again. I know, it didn't last that long, but to me 10 days was a freaking eternity. Eh, who am I kidding, if I was really following my "grain-free" diet then I lasted 3 days. Pathetic. I still haven't eaten a piece of bread though, or pasta or any cereal, which I guess is good. Oh wait... again, not true, I went on a date last night and had a Proscuitto, Mozzerella & Fig sandwich. Yum!

Anyway, my point is that I know why I failed: I was not clear enough about my goals. I mean they seemed very clear when I wrote them down in my blog entry, but in my head, I hadn't committed to them in full. I was thinking that my challenge would be to stop eating bread and pasta and cereal etc., not that I would stop drinking beer or look to see if things had cornflour in it. So, therein lies the problem. After all, it's essentially a fact-- "people are more likely to make progress on goals that are broken into concrete measurable actions, with some sort of structured accountability and positive reinforcement." I of all people should know that. I mean I pretty much do it for a living. Apparently though, it is much easier to preach than to practice because clearly I did none of these things. Well, I tried to keep myself accountable by blogging about it but if you look back, I wasn't even doing that. I was only blogging about when I was failing at my challenge, not trying to motivate myself to push forward. I was able to succeed so easily with the yoga because I knew that was my goal: to complete 31 classes in the 31 days of January. This month I was so vague that I, in turn, managed to set myself up to fail. Not only that, I never really allowed myself any slack. Even when I did yoga there was a way in which I felt like I would be able to make up for it if I missed a day.

So, going forward with this year, I am going to set clearer goals to follow, I am going to allow some room for missteps and I am going to reward myself with every goal that I am able to accomplish. FInally, I am going to try to compound my goals from month to month. I mean if you think about it, that's sort of the point-- to create a new, happier, healthier me, whether that be through better eating, or exercise or some soul searching, or all of the above.

In the meantime though, as of tomorrow, the wonderful day of the Valentine (which I think is the first Valentine's Day that I have been single in like 16 years or something) marks half the month over. So what should I work towards for the rest of the month? Here are the ideas I have heard so far: no sugar, no alcohol, no meat... If you have one I should try, let me know! In the meantime I'm going to eat some cereal :)

Snowy Day

2010-02-10T05:57:00.000-08:00

We waited all day for the snow and it never came... Now I feel silly that I canceled my appointments, but happy that I got to spend the day cuddling with my pups and getting a ton of paperwork done! I also made some potato soup, which was yummy, but not very pretty so instead, here is a pic of Tuffy hanging out in the December snow:

I Feel Sick

2010-02-09T20:20:00.000-08:00

I should have never eaten a boatload of Indian food..... and ice cream. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Sigh... when will I learn...

On a positive note, self-imposed snow day tomorrow!! WhooHoooooooo!

The Joys of Dating...

2010-02-09T14:24:00.001-08:00

No Pun Intended.

Since 2010 has begun I have been on a number of dates. Clearly none of them have been very successful since there have been no posts about how overjoyed and desperately in love I am (although, if any of you have learned anything about me in the last month and a half, you would know that not only have I managed to become completely jaded, but I would never purposely subject anyone to that sort of mushiness...) However they usually do have the occasional redeeming quality: they make for some pretty good stories.

Now my method of choice for finding dates as of late has been the Internet. Honestly, I don't know how else people meet these days! I mean fear of rejection aside, how do you start a conversation without sounding totally lame? I certainly haven't figured it out yet. I am completely incompetent when it comes to these things, which is why my conversations with cute boys usually end after I say something totally awkward like "hi, nice weather we're having today." It's sad, really. The bar is also often less than successful for me. I mean I feel like I am a relatively nice, friendly, fairly normal looking person, but for some reason dudes treat me like a leper. Seriously, I think I repel men. I could be sitting there all by lonesome and not a single person will come up to me. I like to think it's cause I am super intimidating with all of my awesomeness, but... I'm pretty sure it's not that. Finally, and this is the proverbial nail in the coffin, I am a social worker. This means that my entire field is virtually devoid of men and aside from an exception or two, there is pretty much no chance in hell that I will meet a viable, interesting, decent looking, straight man. So, the Internet it is. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I am on the hunt right now, but if I happen to meet someone cool via bar or email, I'm not turning them down. The problem with the internet is that you have to do some big-time, heavy weeding out of men. I really can't even begin to discuss some of the emails I have gotten. Let me put it this way... people are not shy about asking for sexual favors (NOT an effective way of getting a response guys!!!) For the few that have had redeeming qualities, they either end up being terribly awkward, super sensitive, completely self-absorbed or just your average stalker. Occasionally, when you get lucky, it is a combination of two or more of these lovely attributes.

I mean I am not saying that I am always a walk in the park. Clearly I have some issues going on for me (nobody gets out of a six year relationship without one, or two... or three-- I'm trying to resist the urge to say "even you Tony," but... I can't. See, issues! ) Overall though, I'd like to think that I try to keep my stuff in check during the first few months, you know at least until they get to know me :) My question is, what does it say about the people who can't do that? The people who freak out when you don't get back to them within a few hours, or who tell you that they think all of their friends in relationships are "whipped" (why may I ask are you even looking then!?!) Or for the people who I haven't even met yet, who email me every other day asking to hang out, or if I'm free, or if I want to do something. What exactly did you not understand from the last 10 emails I didn't respond to? I don't know...

I have to say though, as much as dating has sucked from time to time, I don't know that I would give it up right now. It has given me some great stories, interesting conversations and even the occasional free meal (score!) Don't get me wrong, I have definitely learned that I prefer to be in a relationship (and that's okay, for all of you Judgey McJudgertons out there- myself included.) But as the saying goes "you have to kiss a lot of frogs..."

***My last totally random and unrelated comment for the evening: I am eating carbs tonight. On purpose. I just don't care. I'm not saying that I'm done for the rest of the month, just for tonight. The last couple of days at work have been really stressful and I don't want to use carbs as my method of self-care, but at this point, I just want to eat some rice or something. So I'm doing it. Don't try to stop me. It's happening. Right. Now. ***

A Very Slippery Slope

2010-02-07T06:53:00.001-08:00

Hello to whoever's out there, sorry it's been so long since I've written last. It's been a long week of resisting carbs and every bit of extra energy was used to exert some self-control against the passing the soft, chewy bagels at work, the warm, slightly sweet brown bread at the Cheesecake Factory and the crusty, buttery toast that came with brunch yesterday. Honestly looking back I'm not quite sure how I did it. So many temptations and yet I managed to somehow fall victim to the Oreo cookie....

Actually, that's not true, it really all started on Wednesday night....*cue swirly screen and bloopity music sound* I came home after what had already been feeling like a long week and I was starving. The endless salads that I had been eating just did not seem to be filling me up. So I decided to make a tofu and vegetable red curry stir-fry. It was delicious (until I decided to eat all four servings of it in one sitting, then it was not so delicious... but mostly because I was cursing myself.) Unfortunately, I made the mistake of looking at the label on the red curry sauce after I finished my meal. Cornflour!!! That is on my list of things I can't eat! Crap.

This is the moment where the justification began.
It went something like this:
"Well, really the issue is that I am trying to avoid breads, pastas, rice etc. It's not like my downfall is cornflour. A little cornflour never hurt anyone and it's not going to totally set me off and cause me to eat an entire box of cereal. Plus it's in the sauce so it's not even like I am eating a carb...."

Except that then Thursday came around and I had a date at the The Field in Central Square which is totally dive bar-esque. I mean it would have felt really weird to drink a glass of wine there when it is so clearly a beer place...

Friday I was good. Yay me!

And then it was Saturday... sigh... Saturday was not a good day. I went to brunch in the morning and managed to pawn the toast off on my lovely dining companion :). But then I had dinner plans with Michelle my former roomie and super yogi. We went to Ole for Mexican. Not a good plan for my anti grain eating diet. As soon as I sat down I knew that I would not be able to avoid the tableside guacamole. This wouldn't have been a problem in terms of the grains except that aside from eating it with a spoon or shoving my face in the bowl, my only vessel for consumption was the still warm (!) salty corn tortilla chip. And since I had a million tortilla chips, shouldn't I just have the fish tacos? I mean it seemed only logical... When I came home, I was still feeling okay about it all-- not too guilty at least. I even said to Kate, "It was one slip up, I'm not letting it ruin the rest of my night." Famous Last Words.

Later that evening I went to a Valentine's Day Charity Auction (which was totally weird and hilarious and should really be a posting in itself.) We walked in and the first thing I saw (aside from the 10 slightly awkward girls having even more awkward conversations) was a chocolate fondue fountain, surrounded by strawberries, pretzels, lady fingers and.... the Oreo cookie. Now I can't even tell you how long it has been since I have eaten an Oreo, but I would be lying if I said I hadn't been thinking about it since I saw a commercial for it the other day (ah the joys of marketing...) Anyway, I was doing a great job resisting it at first, but three sangrias later there I was twisting open my Oreo and enjoying it's deliciousness. That and these little pieces of calzone, and a pretzel and mini cheesy spinach tarts....

Today is a new day though, and aside from the superbowl, which I sadly have no plans for, I don't think there is really anything to tempt me.

Stay tuned...

Oreo, I curse you and your deliciously chocolately crispy cookie ways!!

All I Can Smell is Pizza...

2010-02-02T15:31:00.000-08:00

It's day two and I can already tell this challenge is going to kick my ass. I made it through day one without any issues. I wasn't even cranky! However tonight, I bought dinner for one of my clients and brought it over for our family meeting. Usually we have pizza and breadsticks from Papa Gino's (which is actually not that bad in comparison to some of the other crappy chains my families love,) and it was delicious.... Just kidding!! I got a chicken caesar salad. Let me tell you, sitting in the car, letting the deliciously carby smell of the warm, cheesy pizza penetrate my nostrils-- NOT easy. Really, I was doing everything I could to keep from slipping one hand into the breadstick box as I drove with the other. When I got to the house though I managed to maintain my quickly dwindling will power and made it through the hour nibbling on lettuce.

On a positive note my completely f'd up scale told me I lost 8 pounds... in a day. I'm pretty positive that is more than totally inaccurate, but it's amazing what a number can do for your self-esteem.

Sigh... I'm hungry. And sleepy. Good night all.

Challenge #2: Cold Turkey

2010-02-01T08:40:00.000-08:00

February is upon us and you know what that means! It's finally time to find out what the challenge is for month two! I know, you guys are so excited that you can't even contain yourselves....

I am going grain-free and cutting red meat out!

Now I am not looking at this as a "diet," nor am I going "low carb" or Atkins; This is more like a challenge, something difficult that I feel like I would otherwise have a virtually impossible time doing (I have a bit of a competitive streak, so I feel like if I look at it that way, it won't seem as though I am depriving myself.) Anyway, I have gotten some backlash on this from the people I have spoken to about it, so here are my reasons:

1. I am a carb-addict. I think I have spoken a little bit about how much cereal I could eat in one sitting and it is a seriously disturbing amount. This would be a HUGE challenge for me-- I'm guessing potentially the most difficult of the whole year. I also love bagels and pasta and bread and cookies... well, you see where the problem is.

2. I went to the dr. the other day, and as a result of my decision to delve head first into emotional eating over the last few months, I have gained a lot of weight (let's just say double digits.) Obviously this doesn't make me happy as I spent the last month bitching about how the yoga didn't do much for me in that realm of things.

3. Most of my diet currently consists of carbs, and I definitely need to incorporate some more fruits, vegetables and proteins into my life, so what better way than going all or nothing?! I feel like it's really the only way to do it, since I apparently have difficulty moderating things in my life.
4. As for the red meat, I don't eat much of it anyway, so i don't think it would be that much of a challenge for me, but I just feel like there are other benefits to doing that both environmentally and health-wise. It is really more of an afterthought...

So, here are the things I am cutting out for the next 28 days:
- Wheat
- Rye
- Barley
- Bran
- Bulgur
- Couscous
- Farina
- Kamut
- Orzo
- Semolina
- Spelt
- Corn
- Cornflour
- Cornmeal
- Rice
- Oats
- Millet
- Beer (yes, beer!)
- Glucose made from wheat

Luckily starches such as potatoes are not considered a grain (obviously) and neither is Quinoa, so I'm hoping those two things will be my saving grace this month as I embark on this challenge and potentially a whole new world of crankiness.

My apologies to everyone in advance.

My last sad little bagel until March eaten at 11:55pm on January 31st... so delicious... :(
(I felt I needed to carbo-load before my marathon of non-grain eating.) SIgh...

30/31

2010-01-31T17:27:00.000-08:00

It's the last day of January and you know what that means! 31 in 31 is officially over! Unfortunately for me, it ended up being 30 in 31. I had excellent intentions to go to two classes today to make up for being out of town last weekend. However, when I got to the yoga studio this morning, it was so crowded that they wouldn't let my friend Liz and I go in! So we decided to pass the next five hours eating buttery blueberry scones from Whole Foods (so delicious!!)and a spinach, feta and red pepper frittata that I whipped up (with no recipe, thank you very much :) )

Later, we went to the 4:30 class (which coincidentally was taught by my old roommate Michelle) and for the last yoga class of the month, I ended up feeling pretty great. I managed to stay up in the crow for a whopping 5 seconds, which is about 4 seconds longer than the last time I got up into the pose. AND! When I was laying in Shavasana, my thoughts seemed fuzzy. I took this to be an excellent thing as I figured it meant that my mind was almost entirely quiet. Not an easy feat for this girl! Looking back, I think Shavasana was often difficult for me because the point of it was to get out of my own head. The reality was though, that I didn't actually want to. Lying there with a quiet mind meant that I had to be in touch with what was underneath. The to-do lists and dinner plans and client worries were all distractions from the emotions I have been trying to suppress for so long. Being present meant having to face the fact that I can't just turn myself off when I start to feel sad or lonely or angry, it meant I had to lie there and actually feel--NOT something that I am good at or particularly okay with (says the therapist with a sense of irony.) It's so much easier and less painful to live in denial, really, but where has that gotten me over the years? Not in a particularly great place, that's for sure.

If I am being honest, I am a little bit disappointed I didn't get to do all 31 classes, but I am trying to let my positive side take over; The side that says I am actually pretty proud that I was able to dedicate myself to going to yoga every single day for a whole month. Sure, I didn't wake up one day a completely new person, but like I've said in past postings, I think in some ways I was looking for instant gratification. What I learned is that yoga is a practice and a lifestyle. It is not so much about exercising or sweating or even being able to hold crow pose for more than 5 seconds (although that would be nice!!) it is about incorporating certain beliefs into your life. For me, it has been about giving myself permission--to rest and fall and to just be-- all things that have been and will probably continue to be incredibly difficult for me.

Now I can't say that I have bought into all of it, and I can't say that I am always able to "breathe in and breathe out." However, I think at this point in my life, what I have found is that I am looking for some sort of spirituality, something that makes life feel as though it makes a little more sense than it has in the last few months. And maybe yoga is it, because suddenly I feel like it was about more than going every day and making a commitment to complete 31 classes in the 31 days of January. It ended up giving me insight into how I would like to live my life. Things aren't going to change in 31 days, but maybe they will change in 31 months. Only time will tell...

Marking off the days (Yay for behavior charts!):

The orange indicates days of yoga completed (I doubled up on a few days)
The green indicates Kate's gym days

All That's Left

2010-01-30T20:03:00.000-08:00

Despite this blog being scattered with some bitter words and sadness around my relationship with Tony, I really don't have anything left to say. However, when I came across this song on my somewhat depressing Pandora station, I felt I had to share. It's more succinct & eloquent than I could ever be:

"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Battle Wounds

2010-01-27T14:47:00.000-08:00

Curses... The evil crow has foiled me again! Except now I have the bruises to show for it:

Ow! Only 4 days left and I still haven't been able to accomplish my one goal for this month, much less master it. I am seriously getting so frustrated in class that I just want to cry. It's sort of pathetic. But the breathing helps and before you know it I forget about it until the next time-- or... until I decide to blog about it.

One day...

The Beginning of the End...

2010-01-26T15:40:00.000-08:00

It's the last week of yoga and I'm sort of sad. I feel like I don't know what I am going to do without scheduling my life around yoga. Not that I can't ever do it again or anything, but it feels like it was a part of me, and now it won't be (hmmm... that seems like a familiar feeling.) Anyway, if I am being honest, I don't think that it has really changed my life like people claimed it would. I suppose that may be part of the problem-- that I was unrealistically hoping for it to change my life-- like one day towards the end of this month, I would wake up and be like 'wow! all of my issues have magically disappeared because of yoga!!' But I was under the guise that doing yoga every day would lead to other changes in my life-- my eating habits, my stress levels, etc. It really hasn't though. In fact, I have gained weight! At least 3-4 pounds. I don't really understand how that happened, but it did. In this article I read in O Magazine, this woman did yoga for 60 days and lost 10 pounds in the first 30.

"Do this yoga for 60 days and it will change your body, your mind, and your life," says Choudhury, a former Indian yoga champion who lives in Los Angeles and who is, depending on your viewpoint, either a beloved lifesaving guru or just a really flexible guy who got lucky, and rich, with an idea and a persona. His students believe, and I hope they're right, that Choudhury's heat-centric, copyrighted sequence of ancient hatha yoga postures is a transformative agent like no other; testimonials the world over suggest this yoga eases the symptoms of a range of maladies—depression, diabetes, carpal tunnel syndrome, fibromyalgia, migraines, arthritis, back pain, and heart disease, for instance—while relaxing the mind and slimming the body.

I mean come on!! I know I am only doing it for 31 days, but still! Where are my amazing transformations? I can tell you right now that I am not happier or less stressed or thinner. Granted, my arms and my abs feel stronger and I now know that I have the ability to work out every day and stay truly committed to something. But other than that.... Okay, I'm kidding, I know those things are pretty awesome. I can be positive. I can be positive, I can be positive....

Yoga was my life for the last month- it was my number one priority. I guess if I think about it, that means that I made myself my number one priority. Well, that's something new! Maybe I got more out of yoga than I thought I did. I mean that is one thing that I am striving for during this year- to make myself a priority and figure things out in the process, perhaps this is step one...I'm thinking now that I should do another 29 days of yoga!! Thoughts?

Hobbying

2010-01-25T19:39:00.000-08:00

I went to my second jewelry making/metalsmithing class today and I actually made something. Check it out. The design sort of reminds me of the Olympics (not my intention, I assure you.)

I styled them like wedding photographers do. You know, on random things, like oranges and butternut squash. Ha. Except that it is not a wedding band. I'm guessing you guys will not see one of those things hanging around on this blog for a while. Sorry for the crappy pics by the way, I think I need to get started on my 34th thing which is "learn how to effectively use my camera."

I'm Back...

2010-01-24T18:07:00.000-08:00

I missed yoga two Thursdays ago and didn't make up for it. Then I didn't go yesterday cause I was hanging in Brooklyn. I planned on coming back to Boston early today so that I wouldn't miss a whole weekend of yoga. Unfortunately I drank a lot of coffee this morning and that didn't really mix with with the slight hangover from the night before. Sooo... no yoga for me. Instead, Kate and I made the wonderfully delicious decision to get Indian food, and... ice cream, which ended up being a bit of over kill. Anyway, now I have three days of yoga to make up by the 31st. It's gonna be a loooooong week!

An Empire State of Mind

2010-01-22T15:07:00.000-08:00

Hey all, I'm heading to NYC this weekend to celebrate my friend Stephanie's 30th birthday, so no new posts for a few days.
Today marks three weeks down of yoga though! This month has gone by surprisingly fast and I think I'll definitely miss yoga when it's done. I know you're all excited to find out what's up for next month's challenge, but you'll just have to wait... oh, the suspense...

Happy 30th Steph!

I inhale, I exhale...

2010-01-20T15:02:00.000-08:00

So it's my 20th day of yoga and I'm in the zone. Well, at least I have been for the last couple of days. I'm matching my breath to my movements and my movements to my breath and I've been mildly successful at tuning out my to-do lists and my dinner plans and the whole slew of other things that creep into my brain that I don't want to think about-- in yoga or ever. I even thought to myself the other day-- what am I going to do without yoga when I am not doing it every day!?!?! Maybe it's having an affect on me after all!

Unfortunately, today was different. Today, there was a man next to me who was also breathing with his movements, not really a shocker since that is the point of yoga, but he was loud. Very loud. Think of someone breathing loudly and up it by about 10. It was ridiculous, and... sort of sexual. It totally creeped. me. out. No matter what I did I could not push him out of my head. Sure, he was practically on top of me since the class was so full, but aside from that, come on... do you not know that you are breathing 5 times louder than anyone in the class? I couldn't even hear my own breath. Anyway, needless to say, yoga was not relaxing today. I actually found myself getting really irritated, which obviously defeats the point of yoga in the first place. Not to mention, I tried the crow pose that I've talked about in a previous post and I totally wiped out, hard. It was sort of embarrassing and my knee is not very happy with me right now on account of the towel burn it suffered.

So at the end of class, I asked my teacher if she had any tips-- not for the crow pose but for tuning people out, and she said, just go back to your breath. Not a bad mantra for life. Maybe I should use it on a regular basis-- actually, I can think of a few clients that I should be doing it with right now (so as to diminish the desire to want to rip their heads off.)

I inhale, I exhale....

Adventures in Bread Making

2010-01-18T12:03:00.001-08:00

Today I had no plans but to go to yoga and take my car to the shop-- exciting day I know. I had actually been looking forward to it until I realized that playing around on the computer, doing crossword puzzles and busting through a few more pages of my current read ("The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao") didn't actually take up that much of my day. I was going to take the dogs for a walk, but on account of the crappy snowy/ slushy mixture we've got going on out there that's not happening either. Anyway, so I found myself sitting here running out of things to do. I am trying to cut down on my TV, already did some work, and didn't have a whole lot to blog about until... I decided to make some bread! Yay! What better activity to engage in on a yucky day like today?

Now, if you read my "101 Things" entry you would know that I am on a mission to perfect my bread making skills, what little I have that is. My only other attempts at bread have been the following:
1. a sad little cinnamon raisin bread courtesy of the Martha Stewart Baking Handbook that never ended up rising
2. a boule, which is otherwise known as a French round bread that rose and was quite tasty on the inside, but exceedingly crusty on the outside-- so much so that it took some serious biceps to cut through that sucker.
3. cinnamon rolls, which were hot and gooey and yummy right out of the oven, but got hard quickly and also did not rise as much as I think they were supposed to.

My fourth and current (but not final) attempt is going to be me taking another shot at the same cinnamon raisin bread recipe from Martha.

The Recipe-- doesn't it look delicious?? Let's hope it comes out looking like that!

Waiting patiently for the yeast to rise:

Putting the Kitchenaid to work!

Hoping my dough rises!

Okay... so it's been 40 minutes (the allotted time for this recipe) and it has only risen minimally. Granted it's better than the last time, when it was basically a giant heavy lump. I think I'm going to wait a little bit longer....

About to go in the oven

It's been in the oven for 20 mins and it looks beautiful!!! Yay! I am seriously so excited right now. I may be on my way to perfecting my bread making skillz! Wahooo!! More pics to come!

Beautious!

AND Delicious!

And that concludes the story of "Joy Makes Bread"

Belated Birthday Shoutouts

2010-01-16T08:13:00.000-08:00

I am a horrible puppy parent. I forgot Tuffy's birthday on Wednesday :( He turned 6. So today I took him and Biggie to the doggy park. They had fun, but I didn't take any pictures of them tussling with the other pups (plus Tuffy was super dirty from rolling around in the snow) so here are some pics from Christmas:

How could you not love these faces?

On a note of non-belated birthday shoutouts, today happens to be my friend Jackie's 30th birthday, so Happy Birthday Jackie!!

Two Weeks Down!

2010-01-15T07:56:00.000-08:00

And only 16 days to go! I have not yet reached any of the goals I am striving for in yoga: quiet mind, crow pose etc... and I definitely haven't lost any weight (ugh!!), but I am committed to going every day, I am breathing with the poses a little bit better and I still have two weeks to go. Still pushing forward. Still waiting for my life to change.

A Day of Rest

2010-01-14T07:39:00.000-08:00

It's been a super busy week. I have packed my days with work and yoga and drinks with friends and book readings and now I am exhausted, so I am giving myself permission not to go to yoga today. The only class I could have possibly had time for was the 6 am class, and that was really not happening this morning. But I am managing to have drinks tonight with Sara and my new friend Molly-- priorities, priorities....

Being Joy

2010-01-13T12:05:00.000-08:00

So tonight I went to that reading I was talking about yesterday. Unfortunately, I got there later than I would have liked and spent at least a quarter of the reading trying to shimmy down the stairs to get to my friend Danielle, who like a responsible person, showed up at the time that we had agreed upon. When I finally got to within hearing (but not seeing) distance, it was worth it. Gretchen Rubin, the author of the blog/ book "The Happiness Project" talked at length about her research on happiness and how one is able to find it--some interesting stuff for someone who is on the lookout. One of the things that resonated with me the most was one of the author's Twelve Commandments: "Be Gretchen." Obviously, my name is not Gretchen, but clearly the point was to be honest with yourself about who you are.

Now, if anyone asked me what I thought my one good trait was, I would say it's that I am genuine. I dislike people who are fake and I would really like to think that I do not fit in that category. However, that being said, I don't think that I am always honest with myself. I am great at recognizing my shortcomings-- my being late to everything is only one amongst a slew of others--but I think that is different than being honest and accepting my true likes and dislikes. I say this because in the last 29 1/2 years that I have been on this earth I have been trying to be someone else. Whether that person is someone who listens to indie music or reads classics or has an accessory for every outfit, it doesn't matter, because those things aren't me. I am mainstream Top 40's, terrible TV, and I never allow myself enough time in the morning to properly accessorize-- I value my sleep too much! But is that okay? Gretchen Rubin seems to think it is.

Again, if any of you were confused out there, I am not Gretchen Rubin. I am me. As much as I want to "Be Joy" and accept myself for who I am, I don't know that I can. Even sitting here and thinking about it makes me feel.... I don't know....uncomfortable? I'm guessing it's because I feel like I could be better. I spend so much time judging and comparing myself to other people that I don't know how to stop, nor do I think I would know how to if I tried. More likely though, I think it's just that I don't know who I am anymore. I mean for so long I felt like I was able to fit myself into these categories: I am a social worker, a puppy parent, and I am in this relationship with Tony. I hate to think that the latter was such a large part of my identity that I have lost my sense of self, but on occasion it does feel that way. I mean there are certainly many other aspects to my personality that make up me, but it often feels like there is a large gaping hole where he used to be--one that I am trying fiercely to plug up with this project.

So to "Be Joy" is to be a work in progress. That's what I've figured out. That, and the fact that I just need to give myself permission to be me. All the other stuff will hopefully will come in time.

Grievances

2010-01-13T05:16:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have to apologize in advance. Looking back at the last few posts it seems that I have been awfully whiny this week. But this is the last thing I am going to bitch about (for the time being.) So today was day 13 of yoga and I'm starting to wonder exactly why I am doing this, because I am feeling a bit pissy about all of it. First of all, I have not lost any weight. I know that is not my main goal to doing yoga (it is to know that I can get through the 31 days, and to reach some sort of enlightenment around being mindful, yadda, yadda, yadda.... more about that in a bit) but it would certainly be nice. In fact, I'm pretty sure the number on the scale has gone up. WTF??? I mean I feel like I am working my ass off (apparently not literally,) devoting multiple hours a day to yoga-ing and showering and for what? I am not noticing any changes physically and I am definitely not noticing any changes mentally. I feel like I am getting angrier, not calmer. What is wrong with me?? ....Someone? Anyone know the answer to that? Because I don't. I am pretty sure I am the only person out there who can work out every day and gain weight. I mean, come on! I feel like I am even trying to be conscious of what I eat. This is ridiculous. I am pissed. Obviously. Also, I would just like to say that I am not even close to reaching any sort of enlightenment or whatever. I am sort of getting better about breathing, but that's about it, plus I think I f'd up my shoulder today. Awesome.

My Roommate is Mocking Me...

2010-01-12T18:28:00.000-08:00

And my list of stuff. I don't like her anymore.

A Moment of Whininess

2010-01-12T07:10:00.000-08:00

I don't waaaaaaannnnnnt to go to yogaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Blah.

I think this is what my friend meant when she said you hit a wall during 31 in 31.

12 days down, 19 to go.

Overload?

2010-01-11T05:42:00.000-08:00

Yoga at 6am today! It was a pretty good class. I wasn't quite as tired as the last six am class and the teacher didn't completely anger me like the one from Friday (which I know i haven't talked about yet, but the gist of it is that she talked throughout the entire practice and it totally felt like she was placing her beliefs on us. Very annoying...) I went to work, and then went to another yoga class at 12--two yoga classes before 1! I was very proud of myself. Then I had more clients to see, made some phone calls and somewhere between all of that I managed to take a couple of showers, eat and take the dogs on a short walk. After my third client of the day I went to a jewelry making class for 3 hours, came home and drove around looking for parking for 25mins. It may not sound that way, but it was a loooooooong day to say the least. I felt like I had been very productive. However, somewhere between driving home at 9:30pm and now- when I am pretty much on the verge of passing out, I wondered if I had taken it a little overboard. I mean I know I want to keep myself busy and meet new people and all, and I am happy that I had accomplished so much, but at what expense? Because if in fact I am going to be in bad mood when I get home, (both on account of the parking and of being really tired,) then what is the point? Am I not seeking happiness in trying new stuff, not exhaustion? I don't know, but I think I may have to take things down a couple of notches if I am going to manage all these things I am putting on myself to accomplish this year (mental note: may be defeating the point of all of this....)

As a side note, I just discovered this book called The Happiness Project-- I haven't read it yet, but maybe I will suggest it for my next bookclub meeting! Anyway, on her website there is a section called the Happiness Project Toolbox. I haven't looked at it closely enough quite yet, but I will give you guys an update-- maybe that can be my challenge for month two, or three, or four....

I am going to see the author of this book, Gretchen Rubin, read on Wednesday January 13 at 7pm at Brookline Booksmith if anyone out there wants to join me.

I'm Throwing a Pity Party and You're Invited.

2010-01-10T14:42:00.000-08:00

This weekend I threw myself a pity party. Not for any legitimate reasons in particular, just because I felt like it. Now when I throw myself a party like this, it usually meets the following criteria:
1. It is something completely ridiculous that I am upset about
2. It occurs in my head for the aforementioned reason... (I typically try not to subject others to my craziness unless some poor person (usually my roommate Kate--Sorry!!) catches me at a bad time when I feel the need to go on a tirade about this ridiculousness.)
3. It inevitably spirals down into some terrible mindset where I manage to convince myself I am a horrible person or something along those lines.

So, this past Saturday I was supposed to go out with Kate and some of her friends. Despite being a little tired, I had really been looking forward to it. The rest of my weekend was going to be sort of uneventful so I was excited to have something to do. Plus I was feeling the internal pressure to go out and meet some people (see: boys) -- I don't really know why, I guess because something inside me is telling me I should be putting myself out there or whatever. My roommate however, was very tired, she had been to a training all day for this new volunteer thing that she is doing for the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center (go Kate!) and didn't feel like going anymore. Now there have been many times in my life when I have felt this way, so it wasn't for a lack of empathy. Had I been a reasonable roommate I would have left her alone about it, found other plans or just sucked it up, but I chose to whine and sulk a bit instead. That apparently was not the most effective tactic because we didn't end up going anywhere. Instead, we ended up sitting on the couch in our pajamas playing around on our respective computers, watching Match.com commercials (about people finding love over meatballs) and HGTV where everyone was 30 and buying beautiful apartments/ houses with their successful jobs and lives and marriages and babies, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm guessing you all can see the path I was quickly heading down...

Anyway, so there I am basically feeling sorry for myself that I am not at this place where I feel like I am supposed to be wondering how I ended up being 29, living with a roommate, in an entry level position having two dogs and no real money or possessions to speak of. If I am not on my way to getting married and having kids, shouldn't I at least have a great job and a great place that I own? Shouldn't I?? I don't know. I mean other people managed to find their way pretty damn quickly (and I suppose by other people I mean Tony) He found a whole new life in less than six months! Now, I don't want to compare, but really how much has my life changed since the break up? I am still living in the same apartment that Tony and I shared, I have virtually the same furniture, I have both the dogs and the same job. Again, let me reiterate, we broke up six months ago and HE has a whole new life-- complete with marriage and house and baby on the way. But let's not dwell on that... because if I stop myself from falling down this rabbit hole that I have found myself in, and bring myself back to the world of the sane, I would realize that I don't know if that's what I want anyway. In fact, that is exactly the point. I don't know what I want! All of that stuff I was so upset about before is essentially what society tells us we should be doing or where we should be at this point in our lives (Am I just telling myself this to make me feel better? Maybe...) but if I really take a look at things, I love my dogs 99.9% of the time and I feel so lucky to have found such an awesome roommate who listens to my crap. Yes there are things I want-- I would love to be able to buy my own apartment, have a job that I was happier with and not worry about money so much but right now my life doesn't suck too much given the situation. Don't get me wrong, it is hard to see everyone around you moving on to marriage and babies etc. especially when I thought I was on that path not so long ago. It is really hard to start over and find new friends who are also single and willing to go out and meet people. And it is extra super hard to take a look at yourself and figure out how you ended up where you are now. But I am where I am and I'll get to where I want to be when I get there. That is my (not very profound) insight for the day.

Me and Kate in the Snow:

101 Things

2010-01-09T11:21:00.000-08:00

I found this great website the other day where you can together a list of 101 things to accomplish in 1001 days. I've decided that one of my big problems is that I don't have any goals to strive for. Anyway, this is my official (but running) list. Clearly it it was more difficult than I thought to come up with a list of 101 things. If anyone out there has any additional suggestions, please let me know!

Also, I would just like to give a little shout out to Laura from the blog "A Little Coffee with my Cream and Sugar" formerly known as "From Sparkly to Single" who has shown me that everyone can manage to come of out a crappy situation on top-- and who I stole this idea from.

Project guidelines can be found here if you are interested in creating your own list.

Official Start Date: January 1, 2010
Official End Date: September 29, 2013

Physical Well-Being
1. Lose 15 pounds
2. Do 10 full push-ups in a row
3. Go to yoga every day for a month DONE 1/31/10
4. Take a boxing class DONE 5/10/10
5. Go surfing
6. Be able to do the "crow" pose in yoga DONE! 2/19/10
7. Floss every night for a month DONE 2/28/10
8. Go vegetarian for one month
9. Drink eight glasses of water per day for two weeks
10. Complete the 30 Day Shred DVD program.
11. Improve my posture
12. FInd out my blood type
13.

Psychological Well-Being
14. Be more mindful of the negative thoughts in my head and think of alternative (more positive) thoughts
15. Make a list of 100 things that make me happy
16. Don't go on facebook for a week (this is relevant to my psychological well-being, trust me.) DONE 2/28/10
17. Make a list of 50 things I like about myself
18. Take a compliment. Believe it.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.

Relationships
26. Communicate with the person [I am upset with] about how I feel- not everyone else
27. For every negative thing I think about a potential guy, think of two positive things
28. Try not to sabotage/ overthink things before it even gets off the ground
29.
30.
31.
32.

Creativity
33. Try making at least one new recipe per week
34. Learn how to use my camera effectively
35. Learn how to make jewelry (taking a jewelry making class right now!) DONE 3/26/10
36. Knit a pair of booties
37. Write every day for a month
38. Create a scrapbook
39. Perfect my bread making skills
40. Have at least five go-to meals in my repertoire (without referring to a recipe)
41. Create my own meal once a week without looking at a recipe
42. Take a food photography class
43. Make pasta from scratch
44.
45.
46.
47.
48.
49.

Career
50. Start a private practice
51. Research and potentially start a catering business
52. Speak up at least once in every meeting I attend
53. Improve my Chinese so I can legitimately add it to my resume
54.
55.

Giving Back/Doing Something Good
56. Donate blood
57. Bring my own reusable bags to the grocery store every single time
58. Recycle more often
59. Participate in another fundraiser
60. Donate to Locks of Love

Puppy Parenting
61.Take the dogs for at least a 30 min walk every day for 3 months
62. Train Biggie to live outside of his crate DONE!!!!! Wahooooo! 8/10/10
63.Train Biggie & Tuffy not to sit at peoples' feet while they eat
64. Get Biggie anxiety meds DONE 9/15/10

Adventure and New Experiences
65. Learn how to salsa
66. Travel to a continent I’ve never visited before
67. Go on vacation alone
68. Live by myself for at least six months
69. Go to the movies alone
70. Use my passport at least three times to travel
71.
72.
73.
74.
75.

Intellectual Well Being
76. Read all the books currently on my shelf
77. Expand my vocabulary by 100 words
78.
79.
80.
81.
82.
83.
84.

Financial
85. Create an annual budget and stick to it
86. Create a substantial emergency fund DONE 5/5/2010
87. Invest in something
88. Pay off my undergrad loans
89. Save up enough for a down payment
90. Buy an apartment
91.

Miscellaneous
92. Come up with a go-to alcoholic beverage order: Vodka and Soda it is! DONE
93. Clean my car and keep it clean
94. Listen to a new song every day for a month
95. Keep a plant alive for a least a year
96. Get in touch with my half sister.
97. Get renter's insurance
98. Buy external hard drive and back up computer DONE 12/25/2010
99. transfer music from my ipod to my computer DONE 12/31/2010
100.
101.

Introducing My Love...

2010-01-08T09:59:00.001-08:00

of FOOD! I love to cook although given my tendency towards procrastination/ poor planning (see: laziness) I usually end up eating Cheerios for dinner. However, I figure that since I am yoga-ing it up, I might as well try to eat a little healthier. It never hurts to try lose some weight if you are working out anyway! Unfortunately, last week was not a successful start to that as some yummy pizza and post-holiday chocolate somehow mysteriously found their respective ways into my belly. The other day though I watched an episode of Giada that happened to be called "Light and Delicious" and she made a caramelized onion and grapefruit salad which did look, in fact, delicious. So I made it for lunch today. And it was, although the original recipe called for fennel and romaine which I'm guessing would have made it better. I thought the arugula ended up being a bit too bitter for the salad. So much for healthy eating... Try it out for yourself!

Caramelized Onion and Grapefruit Salad
Adapted from a recipe by Giada DeLaurentis

Ingredients
3 tablespoons olive oil
2 onions, very thinly sliced
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Dressing:
2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 teaspoon honey
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

Salad:
2 pink grapefruits
1 bag of arugula
1 small cucumber, peeled, seeded and thinly sliced
3 scallions, finely sliced
1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme leaves

For the caramelized onions: In a large skillet, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the onions, balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the onions are deep golden brown, about 20 minutes. Set aside to cool, about 10 minutes.

For the dressing: In a small bowl, whisk together the red wine vinegar, lemon juice and honey. Slowly whisk in the olive oil until blended. Season with salt and pepper, to taste.

For the salad: Peel and trim the ends from each grapefruit. Using a paring knife, cut along the membrane on both sides of each segment. Free the segments and add them to a large salad bowl. Add the arugula, cucumber, scallions, and thyme.

Pour the dressing over the salad and toss until all the ingredients are coated. Arrange the caramelized onions on top and serve.

Caramelizing the onions with balsamic vinegar- yum!

Segmenting the grapefruit

The end product!

For another incredibly delicious, beyond amazing (albeit less healthy) salad check out this one

One Week Down!

2010-01-08T09:37:00.000-08:00

Well, almost. I haven't actually gone to yoga yet today and I already blew off the 7:45am class and the 12pm class I told myself I was going to go to. I am definitely in for the 3:30 though. Anyone remember that I was supposed to go to two classes today to make up for last Sunday's debacle? Yeah...that didn't happen. Just as long as I don't make a habit of it right?

Trudging Along

2010-01-05T08:19:00.000-08:00

Yoga: Day five.

I'm still at it! Aside from that one pass I gave myself last weekend, things have been going well. With some work craziness going on, I haven't been able to find time to go in the afternoon, so today I gave the 6am class a shot! There were some positives and negatives to this decision.

On the positive side, because it was so unbelievably early in the morning, I didn't have to be frantically looking around for quarters to put in the meters, which for me is two-fold because:
a) I am cheap and hate paying for stupid things like parking
b) I am also easily stressed and makes for bad energy going into yoga (actually I don't know if that's true, it's probably just the opposite, I think I just thought it sounded yogi-esque)

However, on the negative side (isn't everyone excited that I went for the positive side first?! Yay me!) despite going to sleep early the night before, I was super tired and probably could have fallen asleep at some point during class. In fact, somewhere during the shavasana I think I may have because I forgot to sit up at the end of class and say namaste. Ha. Oops!

Speaking of shavasana, (which for those of you who don't know* is a yoga pose done at the end of practice where you lay in silence with a clear mind) I have a very hard time with it. I am one of those people whose brains are going at all times, whether it's thinking about the past or what I need to do in the future-- either five minutes or five years from now. I can never stay in the present. Funny since I think that is pretty much what yoga is all about. Anyway, so that is my goal for yoga this month, to try to stay in the present and lay with quiet mind in the last few minutes of class. It is much harder than you may think! If anyone has any tips on how I could do that though, it would be much appreciated. I've tried picturing colors or focusing on a bit of light when I close my eyes, but my thoughts always end up jumbled somewhere between what I should eat for dinner (probably cereal) and texts/ phone calls I've been avoiding (a whole other topic!)

*From my understanding only, I don't claim to be an expert here people!

I was going to post a picture of the Shavasana pose, but they all look dead. Sort of creepy. Is that what we all look like in class?? Here is a pic of another pose I am striving for instead, "Crow":

Every time I do it, I manage to slam my face into the ground. Ow. I think I'm doing something wrong...

The Back Story

2010-01-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

So I'm sure you are dying to know why 2009 was not such a great year. Not surprisingly, that goes hand in hand with the whole relationship thing I mentioned in the last post. The short version is that Tony and I broke up in June. We had been together for six years, lived together for four, and spent much of that time raising our two puppies, Tuffy and Biggie. We had gotten engaged in August 2008 and found a beautiful place to have the wedding in August 2010 (a long engagement I know, but at the time, it seemed that we had good reasons for it, now I wonder if it was more in an effort for me to put off the wedding) We picked a photographer that we were excited about and I bought a dress Not as scary as it looks ladies!!! Sitting in my closet waiting to be loved by someone other than me!! You know you want to buy it!!

Lots of money and time and energy had been invested already, but somehow it still didn't feel right. In fact, I don't know that it had ever felt right. There were plenty of huge issues that we had never been able to see eye to eye on, the biggest things being money and kids...really, we were walking cliches. Mostly though I just never felt as though he understood me. I mean I think he knew me very well, about as well as anyone could know another person, but he never got me. That and I think getting married wasn't about me, it was about the fact that it was time, he wanted to be married and it was the next step in our relationship. We had done all the other stuff: moved in together, had puppies that were essentially our children... But I wanted it to be about me. That sounds terrible, but I think when you marry someone you want to feel like they can't live without you, not just for the sake of getting married. So in April, shortly after our six year anniversary, I began to seriously consider breaking up with him. Breaking up was a very scary thought, I mean this was someone that I had been with throughout almost the entirety of my twenties. We had a life together. We were a family. We had traditions and bills and couple-friends and stuff(!) But this was also my life. Did I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who essentially didn't know why he wanted to marry me? I decided I needed to think about it. By myself. So we went on a "break" for a few weeks, he moved out and in the meantime we went to a couples counselor, but it was too late. I had already made my decision. So sometime towards the beginning of June we broke up. It was beyond devastating, but I was going off the adrenaline of making a decision that would so dramatically change my life.

The logistics of the situation were difficult. Figuring out what to do with the dogs, finding a roommate that would tolerate them, it was more drama and stress than I knew what to do with. If this was what my life was going to be like then I didn't want it. Things died down though and I settled into my new life with my new roommate Kate. Tony and I had managed to remain friends throughout it all. We had even discussed going on a date or two to maybe re-think our decisions. Then at the end of September I found out Tony was in a relationship. It was a hard to take at first, but I knew that these things were going to happen and it was going to be part of the process. In mid October, Tony actually told me about the relationship and said that it wasn't serious but that he had gotten into it in an effort to try to figure out whether or not he missed me or he missed being in a relationship in general. Two weeks later I found out he was engaged. Two weeks after that I found out she was pregnant. Two weeks after that I found out that they were getting married... in two weeks! Many of you out there are probably thinking that I dug my own hole in making this decision, and in some ways I think that is probably true, but it still felt like shit. Suddenly I was drowning. It seemed like I had been replaced, like nothing we had meant anything to him at all. He had cut my face out of our family portrait and stuck someone else's in.

That is the "short" version... I'm still processing the whole thing-- probably why I rushed through the end of that story... But I think it was mostly cause the whole situation sucked.... and still sucks! The point of this blog is not to dwell in the past though, it is about how I can look forward to the future. So 2010 is going to be better. I am going to stop feeling shitty every day and I'm going to stop being sad. Yes, that is not the most realistic thing I've ever said, but it's what I need to get through today, and the next.

2010 is going to rock.

Tuffy and Biggie: The Earlier Years