30/31

It's the last day of January and you know what that means! 31 in 31 is officially over! Unfortunately for me, it ended up being 30 in 31. I had excellent intentions to go to two classes today to make up for being out of town last weekend. However, when I got to the yoga studio this morning, it was so crowded that they wouldn't let my friend Liz and I go in! So we decided to pass the next five hours eating buttery blueberry scones from Whole Foods (so delicious!!)and a spinach, feta and red pepper frittata that I whipped up (with no recipe, thank you very much :) )

Later, we went to the 4:30 class (which coincidentally was taught by my old roommate Michelle) and for the last yoga class of the month, I ended up feeling pretty great. I managed to stay up in the crow for a whopping 5 seconds, which is about 4 seconds longer than the last time I got up into the pose. AND! When I was laying in Shavasana, my thoughts seemed fuzzy. I took this to be an excellent thing as I figured it meant that my mind was almost entirely quiet. Not an easy feat for this girl! Looking back, I think Shavasana was often difficult for me because the point of it was to get out of my own head. The reality was though, that I didn't actually want to. Lying there with a quiet mind meant that I had to be in touch with what was underneath. The to-do lists and dinner plans and client worries were all distractions from the emotions I have been trying to suppress for so long. Being present meant having to face the fact that I can't just turn myself off when I start to feel sad or lonely or angry, it meant I had to lie there and actually feel--NOT something that I am good at or particularly okay with (says the therapist with a sense of irony.) It's so much easier and less painful to live in denial, really, but where has that gotten me over the years? Not in a particularly great place, that's for sure.

If I am being honest, I am a little bit disappointed I didn't get to do all 31 classes, but I am trying to let my positive side take over; The side that says I am actually pretty proud that I was able to dedicate myself to going to yoga every single day for a whole month. Sure, I didn't wake up one day a completely new person, but like I've said in past postings, I think in some ways I was looking for instant gratification. What I learned is that yoga is a practice and a lifestyle. It is not so much about exercising or sweating or even being able to hold crow pose for more than 5 seconds (although that would be nice!!) it is about incorporating certain beliefs into your life. For me, it has been about giving myself permission--to rest and fall and to just be-- all things that have been and will probably continue to be incredibly difficult for me.

Now I can't say that I have bought into all of it, and I can't say that I am always able to "breathe in and breathe out." However, I think at this point in my life, what I have found is that I am looking for some sort of spirituality, something that makes life feel as though it makes a little more sense than it has in the last few months. And maybe yoga is it, because suddenly I feel like it was about more than going every day and making a commitment to complete 31 classes in the 31 days of January. It ended up giving me insight into how I would like to live my life. Things aren't going to change in 31 days, but maybe they will change in 31 months. Only time will tell...

Marking off the days (Yay for behavior charts!):

The orange indicates days of yoga completed (I doubled up on a few days)
The green indicates Kate's gym days

All That's Left

Despite this blog being scattered with some bitter words and sadness around my relationship with Tony, I really don't have anything left to say. However, when I came across this song on my somewhat depressing Pandora station, I felt I had to share. It's more succinct & eloquent than I could ever be:


"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Battle Wounds

Curses... The evil crow has foiled me again! Except now I have the bruises to show for it:




Ow! Only 4 days left and I still haven't been able to accomplish my one goal for this month, much less master it. I am seriously getting so frustrated in class that I just want to cry. It's sort of pathetic. But the breathing helps and before you know it I forget about it until the next time-- or... until I decide to blog about it.

One day...

The Beginning of the End...

It's the last week of yoga and I'm sort of sad. I feel like I don't know what I am going to do without scheduling my life around yoga. Not that I can't ever do it again or anything, but it feels like it was a part of me, and now it won't be (hmmm... that seems like a familiar feeling.) Anyway, if I am being honest, I don't think that it has really changed my life like people claimed it would. I suppose that may be part of the problem-- that I was unrealistically hoping for it to change my life-- like one day towards the end of this month, I would wake up and be like 'wow! all of my issues have magically disappeared because of yoga!!' But I was under the guise that doing yoga every day would lead to other changes in my life-- my eating habits, my stress levels, etc. It really hasn't though. In fact, I have gained weight! At least 3-4 pounds. I don't really understand how that happened, but it did. In this article I read in O Magazine, this woman did yoga for 60 days and lost 10 pounds in the first 30.

"Do this yoga for 60 days and it will change your body, your mind, and your life," says Choudhury, a former Indian yoga champion who lives in Los Angeles and who is, depending on your viewpoint, either a beloved lifesaving guru or just a really flexible guy who got lucky, and rich, with an idea and a persona. His students believe, and I hope they're right, that Choudhury's heat-centric, copyrighted sequence of ancient hatha yoga postures is a transformative agent like no other; testimonials the world over suggest this yoga eases the symptoms of a range of maladies—depression, diabetes, carpal tunnel syndrome, fibromyalgia, migraines, arthritis, back pain, and heart disease, for instance—while relaxing the mind and slimming the body.

I mean come on!! I know I am only doing it for 31 days, but still! Where are my amazing transformations? I can tell you right now that I am not happier or less stressed or thinner. Granted, my arms and my abs feel stronger and I now know that I have the ability to work out every day and stay truly committed to something. But other than that.... Okay, I'm kidding, I know those things are pretty awesome. I can be positive. I can be positive, I can be positive....

Yoga was my life for the last month- it was my number one priority. I guess if I think about it, that means that I made myself my number one priority. Well, that's something new! Maybe I got more out of yoga than I thought I did. I mean that is one thing that I am striving for during this year- to make myself a priority and figure things out in the process, perhaps this is step one...I'm thinking now that I should do another 29 days of yoga!! Thoughts?

Hobbying

I went to my second jewelry making/metalsmithing class today and I actually made something. Check it out. The design sort of reminds me of the Olympics (not my intention, I assure you.)






I styled them like wedding photographers do. You know, on random things, like oranges and butternut squash. Ha. Except that it is not a wedding band. I'm guessing you guys will not see one of those things hanging around on this blog for a while. Sorry for the crappy pics by the way, I think I need to get started on my 34th thing which is "learn how to effectively use my camera."

I'm Back...

I missed yoga two Thursdays ago and didn't make up for it. Then I didn't go yesterday cause I was hanging in Brooklyn. I planned on coming back to Boston early today so that I wouldn't miss a whole weekend of yoga. Unfortunately I drank a lot of coffee this morning and that didn't really mix with with the slight hangover from the night before. Sooo... no yoga for me. Instead, Kate and I made the wonderfully delicious decision to get Indian food, and... ice cream, which ended up being a bit of over kill. Anyway, now I have three days of yoga to make up by the 31st. It's gonna be a loooooong week!

An Empire State of Mind

Hey all, I'm heading to NYC this weekend to celebrate my friend Stephanie's 30th birthday, so no new posts for a few days.
Today marks three weeks down of yoga though! This month has gone by surprisingly fast and I think I'll definitely miss yoga when it's done. I know you're all excited to find out what's up for next month's challenge, but you'll just have to wait... oh, the suspense...

Happy 30th Steph!

I inhale, I exhale...

So it's my 20th day of yoga and I'm in the zone. Well, at least I have been for the last couple of days. I'm matching my breath to my movements and my movements to my breath and I've been mildly successful at tuning out my to-do lists and my dinner plans and the whole slew of other things that creep into my brain that I don't want to think about-- in yoga or ever. I even thought to myself the other day-- what am I going to do without yoga when I am not doing it every day!?!?! Maybe it's having an affect on me after all!

Unfortunately, today was different. Today, there was a man next to me who was also breathing with his movements, not really a shocker since that is the point of yoga, but he was loud. Very loud. Think of someone breathing loudly and up it by about 10. It was ridiculous, and... sort of sexual. It totally creeped. me. out. No matter what I did I could not push him out of my head. Sure, he was practically on top of me since the class was so full, but aside from that, come on... do you not know that you are breathing 5 times louder than anyone in the class? I couldn't even hear my own breath. Anyway, needless to say, yoga was not relaxing today. I actually found myself getting really irritated, which obviously defeats the point of yoga in the first place. Not to mention, I tried the crow pose that I've talked about in a previous post and I totally wiped out, hard. It was sort of embarrassing and my knee is not very happy with me right now on account of the towel burn it suffered.

So at the end of class, I asked my teacher if she had any tips-- not for the crow pose but for tuning people out, and she said, just go back to your breath. Not a bad mantra for life. Maybe I should use it on a regular basis-- actually, I can think of a few clients that I should be doing it with right now (so as to diminish the desire to want to rip their heads off.)

I inhale, I exhale....

Adventures in Bread Making

Today I had no plans but to go to yoga and take my car to the shop-- exciting day I know. I had actually been looking forward to it until I realized that playing around on the computer, doing crossword puzzles and busting through a few more pages of my current read ("The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao") didn't actually take up that much of my day. I was going to take the dogs for a walk, but on account of the crappy snowy/ slushy mixture we've got going on out there that's not happening either. Anyway, so I found myself sitting here running out of things to do. I am trying to cut down on my TV, already did some work, and didn't have a whole lot to blog about until... I decided to make some bread! Yay! What better activity to engage in on a yucky day like today?

Now, if you read my "101 Things" entry you would know that I am on a mission to perfect my bread making skills, what little I have that is. My only other attempts at bread have been the following:
1. a sad little cinnamon raisin bread courtesy of the Martha Stewart Baking Handbook that never ended up rising
2. a boule, which is otherwise known as a French round bread that rose and was quite tasty on the inside, but exceedingly crusty on the outside-- so much so that it took some serious biceps to cut through that sucker.
3. cinnamon rolls, which were hot and gooey and yummy right out of the oven, but got hard quickly and also did not rise as much as I think they were supposed to.

My fourth and current (but not final) attempt is going to be me taking another shot at the same cinnamon raisin bread recipe from Martha.

The Recipe-- doesn't it look delicious?? Let's hope it comes out looking like that!


Waiting patiently for the yeast to rise:


Putting the Kitchenaid to work!


Hoping my dough rises!


Okay... so it's been 40 minutes (the allotted time for this recipe) and it has only risen minimally. Granted it's better than the last time, when it was basically a giant heavy lump. I think I'm going to wait a little bit longer....

About to go in the oven


It's been in the oven for 20 mins and it looks beautiful!!! Yay! I am seriously so excited right now. I may be on my way to perfecting my bread making skillz! Wahooo!! More pics to come!

Beautious!


AND Delicious!


And that concludes the story of "Joy Makes Bread"

Belated Birthday Shoutouts

I am a horrible puppy parent. I forgot Tuffy's birthday on Wednesday :( He turned 6. So today I took him and Biggie to the doggy park. They had fun, but I didn't take any pictures of them tussling with the other pups (plus Tuffy was super dirty from rolling around in the snow) so here are some pics from Christmas:

How could you not love these faces?





On a note of non-belated birthday shoutouts, today happens to be my friend Jackie's 30th birthday, so Happy Birthday Jackie!!

Two Weeks Down!

And only 16 days to go! I have not yet reached any of the goals I am striving for in yoga: quiet mind, crow pose etc... and I definitely haven't lost any weight (ugh!!), but I am committed to going every day, I am breathing with the poses a little bit better and I still have two weeks to go. Still pushing forward. Still waiting for my life to change.

A Day of Rest

It's been a super busy week. I have packed my days with work and yoga and drinks with friends and book readings and now I am exhausted, so I am giving myself permission not to go to yoga today. The only class I could have possibly had time for was the 6 am class, and that was really not happening this morning. But I am managing to have drinks tonight with Sara and my new friend Molly-- priorities, priorities....

Being Joy

So tonight I went to that reading I was talking about yesterday. Unfortunately, I got there later than I would have liked and spent at least a quarter of the reading trying to shimmy down the stairs to get to my friend Danielle, who like a responsible person, showed up at the time that we had agreed upon. When I finally got to within hearing (but not seeing) distance, it was worth it. Gretchen Rubin, the author of the blog/ book "The Happiness Project" talked at length about her research on happiness and how one is able to find it--some interesting stuff for someone who is on the lookout. One of the things that resonated with me the most was one of the author's Twelve Commandments: "Be Gretchen." Obviously, my name is not Gretchen, but clearly the point was to be honest with yourself about who you are.

Now, if anyone asked me what I thought my one good trait was, I would say it's that I am genuine. I dislike people who are fake and I would really like to think that I do not fit in that category. However, that being said, I don't think that I am always honest with myself. I am great at recognizing my shortcomings-- my being late to everything is only one amongst a slew of others--but I think that is different than being honest and accepting my true likes and dislikes. I say this because in the last 29 1/2 years that I have been on this earth I have been trying to be someone else. Whether that person is someone who listens to indie music or reads classics or has an accessory for every outfit, it doesn't matter, because those things aren't me. I am mainstream Top 40's, terrible TV, and I never allow myself enough time in the morning to properly accessorize-- I value my sleep too much! But is that okay? Gretchen Rubin seems to think it is.

Again, if any of you were confused out there, I am not Gretchen Rubin. I am me. As much as I want to "Be Joy" and accept myself for who I am, I don't know that I can. Even sitting here and thinking about it makes me feel.... I don't know....uncomfortable? I'm guessing it's because I feel like I could be better. I spend so much time judging and comparing myself to other people that I don't know how to stop, nor do I think I would know how to if I tried. More likely though, I think it's just that I don't know who I am anymore. I mean for so long I felt like I was able to fit myself into these categories: I am a social worker, a puppy parent, and I am in this relationship with Tony. I hate to think that the latter was such a large part of my identity that I have lost my sense of self, but on occasion it does feel that way. I mean there are certainly many other aspects to my personality that make up me, but it often feels like there is a large gaping hole where he used to be--one that I am trying fiercely to plug up with this project.

So to "Be Joy" is to be a work in progress. That's what I've figured out. That, and the fact that I just need to give myself permission to be me. All the other stuff will hopefully will come in time.

Grievances

Okay, I have to apologize in advance. Looking back at the last few posts it seems that I have been awfully whiny this week. But this is the last thing I am going to bitch about (for the time being.) So today was day 13 of yoga and I'm starting to wonder exactly why I am doing this, because I am feeling a bit pissy about all of it. First of all, I have not lost any weight. I know that is not my main goal to doing yoga (it is to know that I can get through the 31 days, and to reach some sort of enlightenment around being mindful, yadda, yadda, yadda.... more about that in a bit) but it would certainly be nice. In fact, I'm pretty sure the number on the scale has gone up. WTF??? I mean I feel like I am working my ass off (apparently not literally,) devoting multiple hours a day to yoga-ing and showering and for what? I am not noticing any changes physically and I am definitely not noticing any changes mentally. I feel like I am getting angrier, not calmer. What is wrong with me?? ....Someone? Anyone know the answer to that? Because I don't. I am pretty sure I am the only person out there who can work out every day and gain weight. I mean, come on! I feel like I am even trying to be conscious of what I eat. This is ridiculous. I am pissed. Obviously. Also, I would just like to say that I am not even close to reaching any sort of enlightenment or whatever. I am sort of getting better about breathing, but that's about it, plus I think I f'd up my shoulder today. Awesome.

My Roommate is Mocking Me...

And my list of stuff. I don't like her anymore.

A Moment of Whininess

I don't waaaaaaannnnnnt to go to yogaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Blah.

I think this is what my friend meant when she said you hit a wall during 31 in 31.

12 days down, 19 to go.

Overload?

Yoga at 6am today! It was a pretty good class. I wasn't quite as tired as the last six am class and the teacher didn't completely anger me like the one from Friday (which I know i haven't talked about yet, but the gist of it is that she talked throughout the entire practice and it totally felt like she was placing her beliefs on us. Very annoying...) I went to work, and then went to another yoga class at 12--two yoga classes before 1! I was very proud of myself. Then I had more clients to see, made some phone calls and somewhere between all of that I managed to take a couple of showers, eat and take the dogs on a short walk. After my third client of the day I went to a jewelry making class for 3 hours, came home and drove around looking for parking for 25mins. It may not sound that way, but it was a loooooooong day to say the least. I felt like I had been very productive. However, somewhere between driving home at 9:30pm and now- when I am pretty much on the verge of passing out, I wondered if I had taken it a little overboard. I mean I know I want to keep myself busy and meet new people and all, and I am happy that I had accomplished so much, but at what expense? Because if in fact I am going to be in bad mood when I get home, (both on account of the parking and of being really tired,) then what is the point? Am I not seeking happiness in trying new stuff, not exhaustion? I don't know, but I think I may have to take things down a couple of notches if I am going to manage all these things I am putting on myself to accomplish this year (mental note: may be defeating the point of all of this....)

As a side note, I just discovered this book called The Happiness Project-- I haven't read it yet, but maybe I will suggest it for my next bookclub meeting! Anyway, on her website there is a section called the Happiness Project Toolbox. I haven't looked at it closely enough quite yet, but I will give you guys an update-- maybe that can be my challenge for month two, or three, or four....


I am going to see the author of this book, Gretchen Rubin, read on Wednesday January 13 at 7pm at Brookline Booksmith if anyone out there wants to join me.

I'm Throwing a Pity Party and You're Invited.

This weekend I threw myself a pity party. Not for any legitimate reasons in particular, just because I felt like it. Now when I throw myself a party like this, it usually meets the following criteria:
1. It is something completely ridiculous that I am upset about
2. It occurs in my head for the aforementioned reason... (I typically try not to subject others to my craziness unless some poor person (usually my roommate Kate--Sorry!!) catches me at a bad time when I feel the need to go on a tirade about this ridiculousness.)
3. It inevitably spirals down into some terrible mindset where I manage to convince myself I am a horrible person or something along those lines.

So, this past Saturday I was supposed to go out with Kate and some of her friends. Despite being a little tired, I had really been looking forward to it. The rest of my weekend was going to be sort of uneventful so I was excited to have something to do. Plus I was feeling the internal pressure to go out and meet some people (see: boys) -- I don't really know why, I guess because something inside me is telling me I should be putting myself out there or whatever. My roommate however, was very tired, she had been to a training all day for this new volunteer thing that she is doing for the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center (go Kate!) and didn't feel like going anymore. Now there have been many times in my life when I have felt this way, so it wasn't for a lack of empathy. Had I been a reasonable roommate I would have left her alone about it, found other plans or just sucked it up, but I chose to whine and sulk a bit instead. That apparently was not the most effective tactic because we didn't end up going anywhere. Instead, we ended up sitting on the couch in our pajamas playing around on our respective computers, watching Match.com commercials (about people finding love over meatballs) and HGTV where everyone was 30 and buying beautiful apartments/ houses with their successful jobs and lives and marriages and babies, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm guessing you all can see the path I was quickly heading down...

Anyway, so there I am basically feeling sorry for myself that I am not at this place where I feel like I am supposed to be wondering how I ended up being 29, living with a roommate, in an entry level position having two dogs and no real money or possessions to speak of. If I am not on my way to getting married and having kids, shouldn't I at least have a great job and a great place that I own? Shouldn't I?? I don't know. I mean other people managed to find their way pretty damn quickly (and I suppose by other people I mean Tony) He found a whole new life in less than six months! Now, I don't want to compare, but really how much has my life changed since the break up? I am still living in the same apartment that Tony and I shared, I have virtually the same furniture, I have both the dogs and the same job. Again, let me reiterate, we broke up six months ago and HE has a whole new life-- complete with marriage and house and baby on the way. But let's not dwell on that... because if I stop myself from falling down this rabbit hole that I have found myself in, and bring myself back to the world of the sane, I would realize that I don't know if that's what I want anyway. In fact, that is exactly the point. I don't know what I want! All of that stuff I was so upset about before is essentially what society tells us we should be doing or where we should be at this point in our lives (Am I just telling myself this to make me feel better? Maybe...) but if I really take a look at things, I love my dogs 99.9% of the time and I feel so lucky to have found such an awesome roommate who listens to my crap. Yes there are things I want-- I would love to be able to buy my own apartment, have a job that I was happier with and not worry about money so much but right now my life doesn't suck too much given the situation. Don't get me wrong, it is hard to see everyone around you moving on to marriage and babies etc. especially when I thought I was on that path not so long ago. It is really hard to start over and find new friends who are also single and willing to go out and meet people. And it is extra super hard to take a look at yourself and figure out how you ended up where you are now. But I am where I am and I'll get to where I want to be when I get there. That is my (not very profound) insight for the day.

Me and Kate in the Snow:

101 Things

I found this great website the other day where you can together a list of 101 things to accomplish in 1001 days. I've decided that one of my big problems is that I don't have any goals to strive for. Anyway, this is my official (but running) list. Clearly it it was more difficult than I thought to come up with a list of 101 things. If anyone out there has any additional suggestions, please let me know!

Also, I would just like to give a little shout out to Laura from the blog "A Little Coffee with my Cream and Sugar" formerly known as "From Sparkly to Single" who has shown me that everyone can manage to come of out a crappy situation on top-- and who I stole this idea from.

Project guidelines can be found here if you are interested in creating your own list.

Official Start Date: January 1, 2010
Official End Date: September 29, 2013

Physical Well-Being
1. 135
2. Do 10 full push-ups in a row DONE
3. Go to yoga every day for a month DONE 1/31/10
4. Take a boxing class DONE 5/10/10
5. Go surfing
6. Be able to do the "crow" pose in yoga DONE! 2/19/10
7. Floss every night for a month DONE 2/28/10
8. Go vegetarian for one month
9. Drink eight glasses of water per day for two weeks
10. Complete the 30 Day Shred DVD program.
11. Improve my posture
12. FInd out my blood type
13.

Psychological Well-Being
14. Be more mindful of the negative thoughts in my head and think of alternative (more positive) thoughts
15. Make a list of 100 things that make me happy
16. Don't go on facebook for a week (this is relevant to my psychological well-being, trust me.) DONE 2/28/10
17. Make a list of 50 things I like about myself
18. Take a compliment. Believe it.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.

Relationships
26. Communicate with the person [I am upset with] about how I feel- not everyone else
27. For every negative thing I think about a potential guy, think of two positive things
28. Try not to sabotage/ overthink things before it even gets off the ground
29. Think about my needs and communicate them before I get mad at him for not doing what I need
30. Remember that the other person has feelings and insecurities too-- it's not all about you
31. Give him a chance, don't automatically assume that he's going to be a jerk or choose something else over you
32.

Creativity
33. Try making at least one new recipe per week
34. Learn how to use my camera effectively
35. Learn how to make jewelry (taking a jewelry making class right now!) DONE 3/26/10
36. Knit a pair of booties
37. Write every day for a month
38. Create a scrapbook
39. Perfect my bread making skills
40. Have at least five go-to meals in my repertoire (without referring to a recipe)
41. Create my own meal once a week without looking at a recipe
42. Take a food photography class
43. Make pasta from scratch
44.
45.
46.
47.
48.
49.

Career
50. Start a private practice
51. Work at a college counseling center full time
52. Speak up at least once in every meeting I attend
53. Improve my Chinese so I can legitimately add it to my resume
54.
55.

Giving Back/Doing Something Good
56. Donate blood
57. Bring my own reusable bags to the grocery store every single time
58. Recycle more often
59. Participate in another fundraiser
60. Donate to Locks of Love

Puppy Parenting
61.Take the dogs for at least a 30 min walk every day for 3 months
62. Train Biggie to live outside of his crate DONE!!!!! Wahooooo! 8/10/10
63.Train Biggie & Tuffy not to sit at peoples' feet while they eat
64. Get Biggie anxiety meds DONE 9/15/10

Adventure and New Experiences
65. Learn how to salsa
66. Travel to a continent I’ve never visited before DONE
67. Go on vacation alone DONE
68. Live by myself for at least six months DONE
69. Go to the movies alone
70. Use my passport at least three times to travel
71.
72.
73.
74.
75.

Intellectual Well Being
76. Read all the books currently on my shelf
77. Expand my vocabulary by 100 words
78.
79.
80.
81.
82.
83.
84.

Financial
85. Create an annual budget and stick to it
86. Create a substantial emergency fund DONE 5/5/2010
87. Invest in something
88. Pay off my undergrad loans
89. Save up enough for a down payment
90. Buy an apartment
91.

Miscellaneous
92. Come up with a go-to alcoholic beverage order: Vodka and Soda it is! DONE
93. Clean my car and keep it clean
94. Listen to a new song every day for a month
95. Keep a plant alive for a least a year
96. Get in touch with my half sister.
97. Get renter's insurance
98. Buy external hard drive and back up computer DONE 12/25/2010
99. transfer music from my ipod to my computer DONE 12/31/2010
100.
101.

Introducing My Love...

of FOOD! I love to cook although given my tendency towards procrastination/ poor planning (see: laziness) I usually end up eating Cheerios for dinner. However, I figure that since I am yoga-ing it up, I might as well try to eat a little healthier. It never hurts to try lose some weight if you are working out anyway! Unfortunately, last week was not a successful start to that as some yummy pizza and post-holiday chocolate somehow mysteriously found their respective ways into my belly. The other day though I watched an episode of Giada that happened to be called "Light and Delicious" and she made a caramelized onion and grapefruit salad which did look, in fact, delicious. So I made it for lunch today. And it was, although the original recipe called for fennel and romaine which I'm guessing would have made it better. I thought the arugula ended up being a bit too bitter for the salad. So much for healthy eating... Try it out for yourself!

Caramelized Onion and Grapefruit Salad
Adapted from a recipe by Giada DeLaurentis

Ingredients
3 tablespoons olive oil
2 onions, very thinly sliced
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Dressing:
2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 teaspoon honey
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

Salad:
2 pink grapefruits
1 bag of arugula
1 small cucumber, peeled, seeded and thinly sliced
3 scallions, finely sliced
1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme leaves

For the caramelized onions: In a large skillet, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the onions, balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the onions are deep golden brown, about 20 minutes. Set aside to cool, about 10 minutes.

For the dressing: In a small bowl, whisk together the red wine vinegar, lemon juice and honey. Slowly whisk in the olive oil until blended. Season with salt and pepper, to taste.

For the salad: Peel and trim the ends from each grapefruit. Using a paring knife, cut along the membrane on both sides of each segment. Free the segments and add them to a large salad bowl. Add the arugula, cucumber, scallions, and thyme.

Pour the dressing over the salad and toss until all the ingredients are coated. Arrange the caramelized onions on top and serve.


Caramelizing the onions with balsamic vinegar- yum!


Segmenting the grapefruit


The end product!


For another incredibly delicious, beyond amazing (albeit less healthy) salad check out this one

One Week Down!

Well, almost. I haven't actually gone to yoga yet today and I already blew off the 7:45am class and the 12pm class I told myself I was going to go to. I am definitely in for the 3:30 though. Anyone remember that I was supposed to go to two classes today to make up for last Sunday's debacle? Yeah...that didn't happen. Just as long as I don't make a habit of it right?

Trudging Along

Yoga: Day five.

I'm still at it! Aside from that one pass I gave myself last weekend, things have been going well. With some work craziness going on, I haven't been able to find time to go in the afternoon, so today I gave the 6am class a shot! There were some positives and negatives to this decision.

On the positive side, because it was so unbelievably early in the morning, I didn't have to be frantically looking around for quarters to put in the meters, which for me is two-fold because:
a) I am cheap and hate paying for stupid things like parking
b) I am also easily stressed and makes for bad energy going into yoga (actually I don't know if that's true, it's probably just the opposite, I think I just thought it sounded yogi-esque)

However, on the negative side (isn't everyone excited that I went for the positive side first?! Yay me!) despite going to sleep early the night before, I was super tired and probably could have fallen asleep at some point during class. In fact, somewhere during the shavasana I think I may have because I forgot to sit up at the end of class and say namaste. Ha. Oops!

Speaking of shavasana, (which for those of you who don't know* is a yoga pose done at the end of practice where you lay in silence with a clear mind) I have a very hard time with it. I am one of those people whose brains are going at all times, whether it's thinking about the past or what I need to do in the future-- either five minutes or five years from now. I can never stay in the present. Funny since I think that is pretty much what yoga is all about. Anyway, so that is my goal for yoga this month, to try to stay in the present and lay with quiet mind in the last few minutes of class. It is much harder than you may think! If anyone has any tips on how I could do that though, it would be much appreciated. I've tried picturing colors or focusing on a bit of light when I close my eyes, but my thoughts always end up jumbled somewhere between what I should eat for dinner (probably cereal) and texts/ phone calls I've been avoiding (a whole other topic!)


*From my understanding only, I don't claim to be an expert here people!

I was going to post a picture of the Shavasana pose, but they all look dead. Sort of creepy. Is that what we all look like in class?? Here is a pic of another pose I am striving for instead, "Crow":



Every time I do it, I manage to slam my face into the ground. Ow. I think I'm doing something wrong...

The Back Story

So I'm sure you are dying to know why 2009 was not such a great year. Not surprisingly, that goes hand in hand with the whole relationship thing I mentioned in the last post. The short version is that Tony and I broke up in June. We had been together for six years, lived together for four, and spent much of that time raising our two puppies, Tuffy and Biggie. We had gotten engaged in August 2008 and found a beautiful place to have the wedding in August 2010 (a long engagement I know, but at the time, it seemed that we had good reasons for it, now I wonder if it was more in an effort for me to put off the wedding) We picked a photographer that we were excited about and I bought a dress Not as scary as it looks ladies!!! Sitting in my closet waiting to be loved by someone other than me!! You know you want to buy it!!

Lots of money and time and energy had been invested already, but somehow it still didn't feel right. In fact, I don't know that it had ever felt right. There were plenty of huge issues that we had never been able to see eye to eye on, the biggest things being money and kids...really, we were walking cliches. Mostly though I just never felt as though he understood me. I mean I think he knew me very well, about as well as anyone could know another person, but he never got me. That and I think getting married wasn't about me, it was about the fact that it was time, he wanted to be married and it was the next step in our relationship. We had done all the other stuff: moved in together, had puppies that were essentially our children... But I wanted it to be about me. That sounds terrible, but I think when you marry someone you want to feel like they can't live without you, not just for the sake of getting married. So in April, shortly after our six year anniversary, I began to seriously consider breaking up with him. Breaking up was a very scary thought, I mean this was someone that I had been with throughout almost the entirety of my twenties. We had a life together. We were a family. We had traditions and bills and couple-friends and stuff(!) But this was also my life. Did I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who essentially didn't know why he wanted to marry me? I decided I needed to think about it. By myself. So we went on a "break" for a few weeks, he moved out and in the meantime we went to a couples counselor, but it was too late. I had already made my decision. So sometime towards the beginning of June we broke up. It was beyond devastating, but I was going off the adrenaline of making a decision that would so dramatically change my life.

The logistics of the situation were difficult. Figuring out what to do with the dogs, finding a roommate that would tolerate them, it was more drama and stress than I knew what to do with. If this was what my life was going to be like then I didn't want it. Things died down though and I settled into my new life with my new roommate Kate. Tony and I had managed to remain friends throughout it all. We had even discussed going on a date or two to maybe re-think our decisions. Then at the end of September I found out Tony was in a relationship. It was a hard to take at first, but I knew that these things were going to happen and it was going to be part of the process. In mid October, Tony actually told me about the relationship and said that it wasn't serious but that he had gotten into it in an effort to try to figure out whether or not he missed me or he missed being in a relationship in general. Two weeks later I found out he was engaged. Two weeks after that I found out she was pregnant. Two weeks after that I found out that they were getting married... in two weeks! Many of you out there are probably thinking that I dug my own hole in making this decision, and in some ways I think that is probably true, but it still felt like shit. Suddenly I was drowning. It seemed like I had been replaced, like nothing we had meant anything to him at all. He had cut my face out of our family portrait and stuck someone else's in.

That is the "short" version... I'm still processing the whole thing-- probably why I rushed through the end of that story... But I think it was mostly cause the whole situation sucked.... and still sucks! The point of this blog is not to dwell in the past though, it is about how I can look forward to the future. So 2010 is going to be better. I am going to stop feeling shitty every day and I'm going to stop being sad. Yes, that is not the most realistic thing I've ever said, but it's what I need to get through today, and the next.

2010 is going to rock.


Tuffy and Biggie: The Earlier Years

Starting Over

2009 was not a good year, so in an effort to make 2010 a bit better, I have declared it the "Year of Joy." Slightly self-absorbed? Perhaps... However, like I said, 2009 sucked, so I think I have earned myself a bit of selfishness for the year. What the "Year of Joy" means exactly, I'm not quite sure. I guess I am trying to figure out how to define myself these days and figure out who I am outside of a relationship (more about that later.) Anyway, the plan is that I am going to try to challenge myself in a different way every month. For the month of January it's yoga. Conveniently, my yoga studio is having a promotion called 31 in 31, where the challenge is to go to yoga every day for a month. Day one and day two went pretty well, although I don't think that going out drinking the two days prior to going to class helped me at all, since I was so dehydrated that I almost passed out somewhere around tree pose... mental note: New Years resolution to drink more water. Day three (that being today) is not happening. Also on account of drinking I must admit (I don't have a problem-- seriously,) last night led to a rough and very hungover morning. It's 5:34pm and I'm pretty sure I still haven't quite regained my balance since I just about ran into a wall a little bit ago. No standing leg splits for me today! Ordinarily I would probably beat myself up about it, but that's New Year's resolution number two: I'm going to cut myself a bit of slack. I sort of envy those people who are totally unapologetic for who they are-- they don't think twice about what others think of them. I'd like to be a little more like that. But I digress... back to yoga. So, the plan is to do yoga twice in one day this week. You know, to make up for my lack of ability to go today. We'll see how that goes... wait, I'm also trying to be more positive (apparently I have a lot of New Year's resolutions): I will make my best effort to go to yoga twice in one day this week.

I am blocking 2009 out of my head as of...now. I have no idea what the next year will bring, but I welcome all comments and suggestions on challenges I should pursue over the coming 11 months. Let the "Year of Joy" begin!