1. It is something completely ridiculous that I am upset about
2. It occurs in my head for the aforementioned reason... (I typically try not to subject others to my craziness unless some poor person (usually my roommate Kate--Sorry!!) catches me at a bad time when I feel the need to go on a tirade about this ridiculousness.)
3. It inevitably spirals down into some terrible mindset where I manage to convince myself I am a horrible person or something along those lines.
So, this past Saturday I was supposed to go out with Kate and some of her friends. Despite being a little tired, I had really been looking forward to it. The rest of my weekend was going to be sort of uneventful so I was excited to have something to do. Plus I was feeling the internal pressure to go out and meet some people (see: boys) -- I don't really know why, I guess because something inside me is telling me I should be putting myself out there or whatever. My roommate however, was very tired, she had been to a training all day for this new volunteer thing that she is doing for the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center (go Kate!) and didn't feel like going anymore. Now there have been many times in my life when I have felt this way, so it wasn't for a lack of empathy. Had I been a reasonable roommate I would have left her alone about it, found other plans or just sucked it up, but I chose to whine and sulk a bit instead. That apparently was not the most effective tactic because we didn't end up going anywhere. Instead, we ended up sitting on the couch in our pajamas playing around on our respective computers, watching Match.com commercials (about people finding love over meatballs) and HGTV where everyone was 30 and buying beautiful apartments/ houses with their successful jobs and lives and marriages and babies, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm guessing you all can see the path I was quickly heading down...
Anyway, so there I am basically feeling sorry for myself that I am not at this place where I feel like I am supposed to be wondering how I ended up being 29, living with a roommate, in an entry level position having two dogs and no real money or possessions to speak of. If I am not on my way to getting married and having kids, shouldn't I at least have a great job and a great place that I own? Shouldn't I?? I don't know. I mean other people managed to find their way pretty damn quickly (and I suppose by other people I mean Tony) He found a whole new life in less than six months! Now, I don't want to compare, but really how much has my life changed since the break up? I am still living in the same apartment that Tony and I shared, I have virtually the same furniture, I have both the dogs and the same job. Again, let me reiterate, we broke up six months ago and HE has a whole new life-- complete with marriage and house and baby on the way. But let's not dwell on that... because if I stop myself from falling down this rabbit hole that I have found myself in, and bring myself back to the world of the sane, I would realize that I don't know if that's what I want anyway. In fact, that is exactly the point. I don't know what I want! All of that stuff I was so upset about before is essentially what society tells us we should be doing or where we should be at this point in our lives (Am I just telling myself this to make me feel better? Maybe...) but if I really take a look at things, I love my dogs 99.9% of the time and I feel so lucky to have found such an awesome roommate who listens to my crap. Yes there are things I want-- I would love to be able to buy my own apartment, have a job that I was happier with and not worry about money so much but right now my life doesn't suck too much given the situation. Don't get me wrong, it is hard to see everyone around you moving on to marriage and babies etc. especially when I thought I was on that path not so long ago. It is really hard to start over and find new friends who are also single and willing to go out and meet people. And it is extra super hard to take a look at yourself and figure out how you ended up where you are now. But I am where I am and I'll get to where I want to be when I get there. That is my (not very profound) insight for the day.
Me and Kate in the Snow:
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