Being Joy

So tonight I went to that reading I was talking about yesterday. Unfortunately, I got there later than I would have liked and spent at least a quarter of the reading trying to shimmy down the stairs to get to my friend Danielle, who like a responsible person, showed up at the time that we had agreed upon. When I finally got to within hearing (but not seeing) distance, it was worth it. Gretchen Rubin, the author of the blog/ book "The Happiness Project" talked at length about her research on happiness and how one is able to find it--some interesting stuff for someone who is on the lookout. One of the things that resonated with me the most was one of the author's Twelve Commandments: "Be Gretchen." Obviously, my name is not Gretchen, but clearly the point was to be honest with yourself about who you are.

Now, if anyone asked me what I thought my one good trait was, I would say it's that I am genuine. I dislike people who are fake and I would really like to think that I do not fit in that category. However, that being said, I don't think that I am always honest with myself. I am great at recognizing my shortcomings-- my being late to everything is only one amongst a slew of others--but I think that is different than being honest and accepting my true likes and dislikes. I say this because in the last 29 1/2 years that I have been on this earth I have been trying to be someone else. Whether that person is someone who listens to indie music or reads classics or has an accessory for every outfit, it doesn't matter, because those things aren't me. I am mainstream Top 40's, terrible TV, and I never allow myself enough time in the morning to properly accessorize-- I value my sleep too much! But is that okay? Gretchen Rubin seems to think it is.

Again, if any of you were confused out there, I am not Gretchen Rubin. I am me. As much as I want to "Be Joy" and accept myself for who I am, I don't know that I can. Even sitting here and thinking about it makes me feel.... I don't know....uncomfortable? I'm guessing it's because I feel like I could be better. I spend so much time judging and comparing myself to other people that I don't know how to stop, nor do I think I would know how to if I tried. More likely though, I think it's just that I don't know who I am anymore. I mean for so long I felt like I was able to fit myself into these categories: I am a social worker, a puppy parent, and I am in this relationship with Tony. I hate to think that the latter was such a large part of my identity that I have lost my sense of self, but on occasion it does feel that way. I mean there are certainly many other aspects to my personality that make up me, but it often feels like there is a large gaping hole where he used to be--one that I am trying fiercely to plug up with this project.

So to "Be Joy" is to be a work in progress. That's what I've figured out. That, and the fact that I just need to give myself permission to be me. All the other stuff will hopefully will come in time.