Lots of money and time and energy had been invested already, but somehow it still didn't feel right. In fact, I don't know that it had ever felt right. There were plenty of huge issues that we had never been able to see eye to eye on, the biggest things being money and kids...really, we were walking cliches. Mostly though I just never felt as though he understood me. I mean I think he knew me very well, about as well as anyone could know another person, but he never got me. That and I think getting married wasn't about me, it was about the fact that it was time, he wanted to be married and it was the next step in our relationship. We had done all the other stuff: moved in together, had puppies that were essentially our children... But I wanted it to be about me. That sounds terrible, but I think when you marry someone you want to feel like they can't live without you, not just for the sake of getting married. So in April, shortly after our six year anniversary, I began to seriously consider breaking up with him. Breaking up was a very scary thought, I mean this was someone that I had been with throughout almost the entirety of my twenties. We had a life together. We were a family. We had traditions and bills and couple-friends and stuff(!) But this was also my life. Did I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who essentially didn't know why he wanted to marry me? I decided I needed to think about it. By myself. So we went on a "break" for a few weeks, he moved out and in the meantime we went to a couples counselor, but it was too late. I had already made my decision. So sometime towards the beginning of June we broke up. It was beyond devastating, but I was going off the adrenaline of making a decision that would so dramatically change my life.
The logistics of the situation were difficult. Figuring out what to do with the dogs, finding a roommate that would tolerate them, it was more drama and stress than I knew what to do with. If this was what my life was going to be like then I didn't want it. Things died down though and I settled into my new life with my new roommate Kate. Tony and I had managed to remain friends throughout it all. We had even discussed going on a date or two to maybe re-think our decisions. Then at the end of September I found out Tony was in a relationship. It was a hard to take at first, but I knew that these things were going to happen and it was going to be part of the process. In mid October, Tony actually told me about the relationship and said that it wasn't serious but that he had gotten into it in an effort to try to figure out whether or not he missed me or he missed being in a relationship in general. Two weeks later I found out he was engaged. Two weeks after that I found out she was pregnant. Two weeks after that I found out that they were getting married... in two weeks! Many of you out there are probably thinking that I dug my own hole in making this decision, and in some ways I think that is probably true, but it still felt like shit. Suddenly I was drowning. It seemed like I had been replaced, like nothing we had meant anything to him at all. He had cut my face out of our family portrait and stuck someone else's in.
That is the "short" version... I'm still processing the whole thing-- probably why I rushed through the end of that story... But I think it was mostly cause the whole situation sucked.... and still sucks! The point of this blog is not to dwell in the past though, it is about how I can look forward to the future. So 2010 is going to be better. I am going to stop feeling shitty every day and I'm going to stop being sad. Yes, that is not the most realistic thing I've ever said, but it's what I need to get through today, and the next.
2010 is going to rock.
Tuffy and Biggie: The Earlier Years
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