30/31

It's the last day of January and you know what that means! 31 in 31 is officially over! Unfortunately for me, it ended up being 30 in 31. I had excellent intentions to go to two classes today to make up for being out of town last weekend. However, when I got to the yoga studio this morning, it was so crowded that they wouldn't let my friend Liz and I go in! So we decided to pass the next five hours eating buttery blueberry scones from Whole Foods (so delicious!!)and a spinach, feta and red pepper frittata that I whipped up (with no recipe, thank you very much :) )

Later, we went to the 4:30 class (which coincidentally was taught by my old roommate Michelle) and for the last yoga class of the month, I ended up feeling pretty great. I managed to stay up in the crow for a whopping 5 seconds, which is about 4 seconds longer than the last time I got up into the pose. AND! When I was laying in Shavasana, my thoughts seemed fuzzy. I took this to be an excellent thing as I figured it meant that my mind was almost entirely quiet. Not an easy feat for this girl! Looking back, I think Shavasana was often difficult for me because the point of it was to get out of my own head. The reality was though, that I didn't actually want to. Lying there with a quiet mind meant that I had to be in touch with what was underneath. The to-do lists and dinner plans and client worries were all distractions from the emotions I have been trying to suppress for so long. Being present meant having to face the fact that I can't just turn myself off when I start to feel sad or lonely or angry, it meant I had to lie there and actually feel--NOT something that I am good at or particularly okay with (says the therapist with a sense of irony.) It's so much easier and less painful to live in denial, really, but where has that gotten me over the years? Not in a particularly great place, that's for sure.

If I am being honest, I am a little bit disappointed I didn't get to do all 31 classes, but I am trying to let my positive side take over; The side that says I am actually pretty proud that I was able to dedicate myself to going to yoga every single day for a whole month. Sure, I didn't wake up one day a completely new person, but like I've said in past postings, I think in some ways I was looking for instant gratification. What I learned is that yoga is a practice and a lifestyle. It is not so much about exercising or sweating or even being able to hold crow pose for more than 5 seconds (although that would be nice!!) it is about incorporating certain beliefs into your life. For me, it has been about giving myself permission--to rest and fall and to just be-- all things that have been and will probably continue to be incredibly difficult for me.

Now I can't say that I have bought into all of it, and I can't say that I am always able to "breathe in and breathe out." However, I think at this point in my life, what I have found is that I am looking for some sort of spirituality, something that makes life feel as though it makes a little more sense than it has in the last few months. And maybe yoga is it, because suddenly I feel like it was about more than going every day and making a commitment to complete 31 classes in the 31 days of January. It ended up giving me insight into how I would like to live my life. Things aren't going to change in 31 days, but maybe they will change in 31 months. Only time will tell...

Marking off the days (Yay for behavior charts!):

The orange indicates days of yoga completed (I doubled up on a few days)
The green indicates Kate's gym days